Dear hangdo:

You mean you think he doesn’t want you to meet other guys through the dating site because he used the word “even” if “Even if you still talk to guys..”?

The word “even” may suggest he doesn’t like it or… that he wants you to think he doesn’t like it, but it is just one word. It cannot possibly cancel the rest of what he wrote, the rest of my analysis.

I think he experienced real feelings for you and when he thinks of you, he still has some feelings for you. He wrote it himself that he has genuine feelings for you. So the word “even” can fit with this fact as well as some other things he wrote. But these genuine feelings are not enough to negate his clear message that he is not interested in a relationship with you.

He is social enough and has a girlfriend… If he was very shy, lonely and had no contact with girls, then his experience with you could seem to him like his only chance for love. But this is not the case. He is likely already experiencing feelings for other girls or will soon.

anita

Dear hangdo:

I think that if you are okay with having him as an online friend only, not on Facebook though (because that hurts you)- then be an online friend with him only.

If you are not interested in an online contact only because every time you will read an email from him, you will feel hurt or angry, then end the contact.

So which of the two is it…?

If you want to send me an email you are considering sending him, please do.

anita

Dear hangdo:

Before reading your last post it occurred to me, about this dating site where you met this guy (and the Irish guy as well?)

It doesn’t make sense for you (and other girls in Vietnam/ other countries in Asia) to start “dating” men from the West who come to Vietnam for a short vacation or a business trip. Not dating in the sense of starting a relationship, because the men will go back to their country. The ‘dating” this is about then, for men coming for a short vacation or a business trip is about having fun WHILE THERE.

So, please be clear about what dating means for you. If you want a long term relationship, beyond the short vacation/ business trip, then this site is not for you.

There are websites, so I understand (?) where men from the West are looking for women from other countries for marriage. This is risky of course, but at least here is a chance for a fit between what you are expecting (a long term relationship) and what is advertised (marriage).

If you meet another man on vacation/ business trip through this “dating” site or in any other way, please do not become physically intimate with him.

There is always the chance for a man to fall in love with the woman in the exotic country, the stuff movies are made of. But in reality, you can go through years of being with man after man, waiting for the Happily-ever-after ending and … you end up old and humiliated.

In regard to this man, the fact that he referred to his girlfriend (who lives with him) as an “ex’- that is deceiving. In this case he is not the decent man I was hoping he is. Also, any references he made in his profile and in communications with you to a long term relationship were probably deceitful.

If this is the case, I would edit your email to him this way:

” I thought if it possible we just give us a chance until you said you have a girlfriend and that you do love her. I would love to tell you that no matter what happen I always wish you to be happy with your choice. But i wonder why did you call her your ex when we met up?

Why did you call her your ex when we met up?”

This is it. I would ask him this question. If he told you other misleading things before and while he was in Vietnam, suggesting there could be a relationship between the two of you, ask him why he said those things while he had a girlfriend AND while he held the position that a long distance relationship is not a possibility for him. Ask him. Will be back at the computer in a couple of hours or so.

anita

Dear hangdo:

First thing: when he called her his ex, he lied.

He told you the reason he lied: “did not want to complicate things at the moment.” It means he wanted to make it easy for himself, simple. He wanted to get together with another woman, or women, this is why he joined a dating site. He intended to get involved with another woman or women while being in a relationship. He didn’t tell you because he wanted to be with you without having to explain himself and without risking you not wanting to be with him (because he has a girlfriend).

So he lied and that was unfair to you. He misrepresented important information to you, information you had the right to know.

And in the email to you that you quoted above, he did not apologize. He did not admit he did something wrong. This indicates to me further, that indeed, he is not a decent person.

Second thing: when he wrote,: ” I love her, but am not, “in love” with her”- what did he mean, this is what you are asking me. I heard this term- love but not in love- many times. What does it mean… I am thinking what it means is that he feels something for her, a caring, wanting her to be okay, but he is not excited by her. I believe what it means (from other information you provided about the guy) is that sexually, she is not enough for him, not excited by her.

And this is why he looked for other women in the dating site (and otherwise..?), so to experience the sexual excitement that is missing from his relationship with his girlfriend.

anita

Dear hangdo:

Thank you for your appreciation, your kindness and you are welcome. I agree that there is nothing here to pursue with this guy. Please be wary of this dating site where you meet men coming to Vn for a short visit. And do post anytime. I would like to read from you again and again and respond.

anita