Dear hangdo:

You wrote that it is “hard to accept the truth”- and I agree. But it is good for us to accept the truth. It is always right for our mental health long term to accept the truth.

If we don’t accept the truth, we will repeat the same behaviors that bring us misery. So, it is not a good idea for you to date other men until you accept the truth of what happens with this guy, Josh, you called him.

Are you able to write here what that truth is that is hard for you to accept? The whole truth involving you and Josh, from the beginning of meeting him online to the last emails you shared here?

What is the truth? Waiting for your reply.

anita

Dear hangdo:

Yes, I think these were just momentary thoughts on his part.

Here is the reality of it all: Josh is a man who has a girlfriend in the U.S. He lives with her. He is also interested in having sexual experiences with other women. This is why he is a member of a dating site. He planned on visiting Vietnam and wanted to have a sexual affair with a Vietnamese woman. It is like visiting a different country and wanting to experience the local food. When a U.S. person visits an exotic country, the person often doesn’t want to eat at McDonald in the exotic country, but to eat the exotic food that is served there. In a similar way, Josh wanted to experience a local, exotic woman.

So he communicated with you on the dating site, knowing you are Vietnamese. Then he visited Vietnam and, as planned, got together with you- for fun- so to experience a local woman.

And he did. Then he left Vietnam back to the U.S. End of story.

He ate the local food- good. Food doesn’t have feelings. Unfortunately, the local woman- you- has feelings and they are hurt, understandably.

At best, what he told you were truthfully what he felt momentarily. At worst, he told you what would make you fall in love with him and be nice and loving to him. He definitely didn’t want you angry with him. He wanted you to think he is a nice person because he wants to think of himself as a nice person.

I too thought he was decent from reading the first email you shared on this thread. Then I learned more and changed my mind.

This is an opportunity for you to learn, so not to repeat this experience.

Your thoughts/ feelings???

anita

Dear hangdo:

You are welcome. Would you like to write in your own words (now or later, when it is convenient for you), what it is that you learned? You writing it can solidify your learning.

anita

Dear hangdo:

I am learning every day, about myself and about other people. So I encourage you to learn every day as well.

You wrote things you learned as “should not…”

1. “Should not be intimate with them easily”- that is the easy one to learn. I would say: do not be intimate with any man who is in Vietnam for a short visit! I would say do not be physically intimate with anyone at all until you get to know him well.

You have to watch the difference between wishful thinking (he cares about me/ he loves me/ he will take care of me/ he will keep his word…) and reality. To know the difference you have to learn the nature of your wishful thinking and the nature of the man.

2. “Should not believe in the men on dating site”- or in person until you get to know the man.

3& 4. ” Should not be so friendly for the first day…Should not be so nice with them.”
It is okay to be friendly and nice on the first day and even the first moment if being friendly and nice means being wise as well. Being friendly and nice should not mean to not be thinking anymore, to please the man, do what he wants you to do- that is being unwise.

Will you post more about your learnin?

anita

Dear Hang Do:

Glad you found some peace, and it is good enough to have some peace. Return to it as often as you can. Be gentle and patient with yourself and post again, anytime.

anita