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When will the pattern end?

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  • #398659
    G
    Participant

    My track record for relationships isn’t the greatest. My first relationship ended with me heartbroken and with trust issues. He turned out to be engaged the entire time we were together. He had met my family. He knew he was my first real relationship. I was devasted. It took me months to be able to talk about what happened without crying. It took me a year to be able to laugh about what happened. Then comes along the second guy who said he wasn’t going to hurt me. I told him what happen with my first ex and he said he will never hurt me. I meet my second boyfriend when I went back home for winter break. I didn’t anticipate meeting him and liking him. He was the first guy I slept with and he knew that. He knew I had to go back to school but promised we will continue with our relationship. All was good at the beginning of our long-distance relationship. Slowly but surely communication started to get less and less. I asked him if everything was fine and he said yes. But I noticed it wasn’t the same. Surely he decided he couldn’t do it anymore. Yet a week beforehand we had a lengthy discussion about our relationship. He reassured me that he will work on his communication skills. He even made plans to come to visit me and talk about summer plans. I was giving him all the attention I could when I wasn’t busy. Yet it wasn’t enough. I never got real closure on why he couldn’t continue the relationship. A month later I talked to this boy who swept me off my feet without ever meeting him. We developed this emotional connection by talking. We had similar interests. From the moment we started talking I knew he was going to be special. Slowly I started to develop feelings for him. He is in the military. He got stationed far away and we couldn’t meet before he left. But he managed to talk to me every day. He made me feel special and loved. Always told me how pretty, beautiful, and smart I am. Never failed to say good morning or good night. Whenever he had a chance he will talk to me. We made plans for the future. But from my past relationships, I had trust issues. He made it aware to me that I needed to work on them and I tried my hardest. But the thought of it can happen again to me was preventing me from letting go of those issues. I made it aware to I will work on them. This man was sensitive for sure I couldn’t be my joking self around him. Then one day he decided to post something that I took to be offensive. It was something inappropriate to the person you are talking to.  I made it aware to him but I brought him a sore subject he hates.  I was heated at the moment and jumped to conclusions. When he explained himself I simply said okay. I didn’t want to say anything else that I might regret because it wasn’t going to be worth it in the long run. I thought we were going to move on because we both talked about it. Shortly after he told me he didn’t want to do this anymore because I always brought up the sore subject. I had not brought up the sore subject in a while I was trying my hardest. I was taken aback when he said that because how did we go from him posting something inappropriate towards your partner to now telling me you don’t want me. I begged and pleaded for him to talk to me about it and work on this sore subject. I was in tears because I realized I was going to lose a person whom I started to like deeply and who became a part of my routine. I started to regret standing up for myself and asking for a little respect. He kept saying he didn’t want the sore subject to be brought up anymore and I PROMISED I wouldn’t anymore. But it wasn’t enough. He instead wanted to throw the deep connection we developed for a discussion that didn’t need to escalate to the point it did. I was the bigger person and accepted responsibility. He instead told me he couldn’t be with someone who needs constant reassurance. I had told him about my history and how hurt I was. I thought he would be a little more understanding of where I’m coming from. He made me feel like the bad person in this situation as if I did something wrong. I simply voiced how disrespectful that post was and I wanted him to see it from my point of view. Yet he turned it into something that wasn’t the root of the issue. I beg and pleaded to give me another chance and he simply said no. I’ve been devasted for the past days. This heartbreak hurts as much as the first heartbreak I experienced. I didn’t want to throw away what we had over something that wasn’t big of an issue. I was willing to drop what I brought up because I didn’t want to lose him. I told him how I felt about him and it wasn’t enough. It only has been days since this happened but it’s been the longest day of my life. I haven’t been able to be in a happy relationship. It always ends with me getting hurt and them living a happy life afterward. I try my hardest to open up but having my guard up at the same time. When will they realize that it’s going to take a while for me to open up to them because my history always comes back to haunt me? But more importantly when will this pattern end for me of not finding a loving relationship?

     

    #398672
    anita
    Participant

    Dear G:

    You shared that your first boyfriend was engaged to another woman during your relationship with him. You met your second boyfriend during a winter break from school. You told him how the first boyfriend hurt you, and he told you that he will never hurt you. After the winter break, you traveled back to school and the relationship became long-distance. Over time, the communication lessened and then it ended. A month after that, a third man, a military man who got stationed far away, swept you off your feet “without ever meeting him“.

    I had trust issues. He made it aware to me that I needed to work on them, and I tried my hardest… Then one day he decided to post something that I took to be offensive… I was heated at the moment and jumped to conclusions… I thought we were going to move on… Shortly after he told me he didn’t want to do this anymore because I always brought up the sore subject… I begged and pleaded for him to talk to me about it and work on this sore subject… He instead told me he couldn’t be with someone who needs constant reassurance. I had told him about my history and how hurt I was. I thought he would be a little more understanding of where I’m coming from…. I begged and pleaded to give me another chance and he simply said no. I’ve been devasted for the past days…. when will this pattern end for me of not finding a loving relationship?” –

    – Here are my thoughts and suggestions: (1) Seems like on one hand you distrusted the 2nd and 3rd men, but only after trusting them too much and too quickly. You told the 2nd man how the 1st man hurt you, he said that he will never hurt you and you trusted him to… never hurt you. You trusted him too soon after meeting him, you didn’t know him well enough to trust him. It is too easy to say: I will never hurt you. It takes only a few seconds to say it.

    It is not wise for a woman to trust that a man she met only a short time before, will actually practice these five words in real life and for a lifetime. Take the time needed to get to know a man before trusting him.

    (2) “I begged and pleaded for him to talk to me… I begged and pleaded to give me another chance” – no more begging and pleading in the context of a relationship!

    I suppose that in another context, such as a person pointing a weapon at me, I might beg and plead, but not in the context of a relationship where my very life is not in danger. When you beg and plead with a man to talk with you, you present yourself as… a beggar, a lowly person appealing to the pity of a superior. Even if he feels pity for you and resumes communication, it would be based on pity, not on love and respect.

    (3) “I was heated at the moment and jumped to conclusions… I always brought up the sore subject… I had told him about my history and how hurt I was. I thought he would be a little more understanding of where I’m coming from” – if you were offensive to him when you felt heated (yelling at him, or maybe throwing invalid accusations at him), and if you repeatedly brought up a subject that was painful for him to talk about, then all your history and how hurt you were before you met him, makes no difference to his experience.

    When person X causes pain to person Y, person Y feels the same pain regardless of person’s X’s history.

    I hope to read your thoughts regarding my reply, so that I can communicate with you further, and I hope that you will feel better very soon!

    anita

    #398676
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi G

    Nice to meet you! I’m sorry for the difficulties you are going through at the moment.

    Before I respond in more depth I have a quick question about your most recent relationship.

    Have you ever met in person? Is this a long term long distance relationship?

    #399927
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, G?

    anita

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