Breathe Deeply,

Becoming mindful, or developing the quality of concentration seems to be what you’re looking for. It very naturally waxes and wanes as we begin to blossom, and is quite often the spark that precedes a life of practice and study. It may seem mysterious right now, why it comes and goes, but its actually not random at all. Something brings you to alertness, such as the realization of your place in spacetime. A body, making choices, feeling desire… I’d call that being “in tune”. Then, a distraction comes up, and it pulls at your concentration, and you fall “out of tune”. When we’re out of tune, it is like watching a movie. We get distracted away from ourselves and swept up into the fantasy around us. Usually, if you’re living in the west, the distraction is materialism. Sporting events, shiny toys, news, gossip, sexual craving… getting swept into emotional and mental fixation on these types of things pulls us away. Much like when we are sitting at a movie theater watching an engaging movie, we are usually not conscious of our breath, that we are sitting, that we are watching. Instead, our minds are spun into the fantasy of the story, pulling our attention away from what we are actually doing.

The good news is that you’re coming to this so young. It means that your habits don’t necessarily run too deep. If you think you’re getting sucked back into mindlessness powerfully now, imagine how strong the pull would be 30 years into life. Anyway, to strengthen your mindfulness is not difficult, but it does require consistent practice.

If you’re sick enough of the mindlessness, then starting a practice will be easy. The ick of it naturally moves you toward a mindful life. Consider checking out a local Buddhist sangha and taking some meditation classes. They’re usually very low cost or free, and meditation is the exercise that increases mindfulness. If you don’t have a local sangha or conditions otherwise prevent it, consider learning from some guided meditations on YouTube. My suggestion would be to start with metta, then go into breath meditation. Perhaps 15 minutes of metta, the 15 of breath if you can sustain your attention that long. Even starting 5 and 5 would help. This provides a “basic sanity” or “groundedness” that makes the moments of mindfulness the norm, and the mindlessness the exception. Perhaps now it is more random or unknown how to get there… much like a broken clock is right twice a day?

Good luck, friend! Feel free to ask more questions if you have them! Also, teachers at local sanghas are also a great resource to finding a balanced and awake life.

With warmth,
Matt

though i do not have the time to respond with a thoughtful and complex answer, i would just really like to let you know that you are not alone here. reading this passage made me feel so relieved- you were able to put in words what has been bouncing around my mind for so long. to be honest i do not know completely how to connect with the person you want to be. it is easy to say it, but to really do it takes time. Matt had a wonderful answer, i suggest you take his words to consideration. i am only here to say, i feel the same way! good luck on your journey to connect to yourself through mindfulness and i encourage you not to lose confidence along the way.

Breathe Deeply,

I’m glad for the hope you feel, its well deserved. Luckily, we have many ancestors that have explored before us, and they have passed their teachings down through time. The trick is only in application, which becomes simpler with practice.

The main reason I responded though is the notion of strength in numbers. That is well observed! Buddha taught that the sangha was one of the three pillars of mindful development… for precisely the same reasons. As we dance with one another, our energies mingle, and hand in hand we rise and fall. Said differently, you may have to accept that those around you pull at you with their mindlessness, but as their friend and family, reaching out to them with hope and creativity will help them, and you, grow more peaceful and happy. We all have the potiental to wake up to mindfulness… and those of us who have an easier time of it become stronger and happier as we share what we’ve learned. This doesn’t even have to be through words… just being mindful helps… which makes our practice much more than wanting to feel the buoyant energy. Rather, we practice for the benefit of all beings, collectively raising the mindful energy of the planet through our practice.

Taking this lesson deep into our heart helps us avoid the trap of spiritual materialism, or turning our practice into a new shiny thing to experience. Its more than that, friend, its about freedom and peace for all of us… through each one of us adding to the strength of our collective mindfulness. Strength in numbers, huzzah! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

well i am very glad i was able to help you to not feel alone! one question though- do you happen to have ADD or ADHD? because i am amazed at how much i can relate to your story and i myself have very bad ADD; people with ADD are known to usually always have many thoughts going on in their heads and often zone out or lose focus, which could be an explanation for the “autopilot” you mentioned here. however that is only just a thought that occurred to me, and most likely is not the answer… hopefully learning to be mindful, as Matt said, will solve the problem you and i are both experiencing!

“I’m not being nor presenting myself to my true potential, as my true self. When I am at my true potential and completely in the moment I frankly amaze myself with my wonderful social communications, witty mind, intellect, free will decisions, and natural confidence. My problem is I’m scarcely that self… I need to find a way to connect to myself and stay connected because I cannot take this anymore.”

the particular quote above was especially relatable to me! what you described is probably not all that uncommon or unusual- what makes it seem that way is a matter of people not really realizing when it happens or even recognizing that they do it at all. like you said, it was a sudden “epiphany”.