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Joseph

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  • #49538
    Joseph
    Participant

    To reiterate the points made by other posters. i do believe that he is being genuine in what he says his intentions are. There are just some people who have a tendency to avoid intimacy and believe it or not do that by having sex with lots of people or trying to objectify the relationship to avoid that intimacy.

    If you enjoy the liaisons then by all means keep doing what you enjoy. But if you have an idea in your mind that you are hoping for some sort of different future than what you have then do not fool yourself. He is getting exactly what he envisions and you are settling for a vision you may not want and a hope for a future that won’t be realized with him. Not a good deal for you.

    Just like guys who are often mostly after sex have fears of intimacy I think they attract mates who sometimes are on the other end of the spectrum (afraid of not having intimacy). The two seem to attract each other but are rarely that great a fit for each other.

    if you are interested there is a fantastic book that opened my eyes: http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 and it will help anyone interested in why they fall for the wrong people, may find themselves in a pattern of unsatisfying relationships and how to course correct and find the right person that will give them the greatest amount of satisfaction.

    Best of luck to you, please don’t settle for less than you deserve.

    #47405
    Joseph
    Participant

    Dee I think you have everything in you that you need to make a successful business out of photography. But it seems the motivation and passion are absent at the moment.

    Is this something you might be able to do along side of your son? Perhaps that angle might provide the motivation and excitement to energize you while he is away.

    Age will not be a factor for someone who owns their own business. Being 49 is a mature plus for customers, studies show it makes you appear more trustworthy. I say you go for it.

    #47401
    Joseph
    Participant

    Evelyn sorry to hear about your struggles. I certainly hope you continue to pursue that which makes you happy. You definitely do succeed in some things. For example getting into College and Cosmetology schools. I think it’s great you started thinking big picture.

    Maybe talking to your family could help? Are they generally supportive?

    You sound like you have what you need to make it but are just going through some tough times.

    #47282
    Joseph
    Participant

    Hi Emily,

    Holidays can be an extra stressful time, not sure if that plays a factor or not.

    Working through your e-mail backwards I don’t think you are going crazy.

    Mindfulness is a good technique, good advice from your counselor however what was their particular method of instruction for you? Did they give you a worksheet, recommend a book etc… Knowing what to do is nice, but you need the how to go along with it.

    You are very lucky to have a patient boyfriend. But you also seem to have some concerns (i.e. he will eventually leave). My advice, tell him what you are feeling and your fears and hear what he says. Then you won’t need to speculate, you will know that he will stay with you even if you do get nervous sometimes etc…

    Depending on the type of counseling and your individual needs its not uncommon for progress to be made starting within a year. If your individual challenges are less severe you might expect to feel that you are making some progress within a couple of months. How long have you been tackling this with this particular counselor?

    Everything you speak of is super common in terms of what people concern themselves with and I think your counselor, patient boyfriend and helpful individuals (like those on this site) will speed you on your way to quickly feeling better about things.

    #46769
    Joseph
    Participant

    M@ry how do you feel about yourself given the fact that you read all these books, do all these activities, feel lonely and dream about your ex (that you don’t want)?

    I ask because sometimes its not our feelings but our relationship to our feelings that make the difference.

    Do you forgive yourself for being in this situation? Is it ok that you would feel sad and have a tough time for a bit before bouncing back?

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Joseph.
    #46749
    Joseph
    Participant

    This may sound counterintuitive, but I think you should be honest and transparent about your feelings and dilemma with both men. Life will sort itself out and you won’t be hiding anything.

    #46748
    Joseph
    Participant

    Sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. Relationships and breaking up can be hard.

    A couple of hopefully helpful thoughts. It may not be the fake you that she was most comfortable with but one specific aspect of the facade, it kept distance and space between you two. Some people avoid intamacy and are scared by it.This could be the situation you are in. Give her space, choose a new direction in life and you may just see her again.

    As for you, you mentioned being intertwined. This is not necessarily a great thing. There is a really good book called The Four Agreements which I highly recommend. It will help you not judge yourself so much based on others reflections of you and also free you from needing these attachments.

    #46723
    Joseph
    Participant

    Hi Leah,

    Damn, Muay Thai, that’s serious stuff. I practiced martial arts for 6 years on and off and spent some time training in BJJ and can tell you, even in a friendly sparring match where I was not getting beat up, just being stuck under someone can feel suffocating and scary.

    I would never be cool with getting kicking in the shins or elsewhere with mal intent. You definitely managed something I would never be comfortable doing. I tend to think that in a real match you will do great because you tackle real fear in the sparring match. Many people go into sparring matches with no fear and when you have that your real matches may be different. But if you spar with fear and perform ok, then in a regular match I think you will do as good or better.

    Go kick some ass.

    #46722
    Joseph
    Participant

    Anna,

    You are not your past actions, you are not the physical or emotional pains you feel. You are not the thoughts you have in your head (strange as that may sound). You are just a being who has had actions in the past, that feels things physically, that feels emotion, that thinks (probably too often). But none of those things are you.

    I’m sure you have had times where you have observed a feeling as it popped up, or noticed that you are thinking in a particular pattern that is common. That part of you that notices the thinking, that is you. Not the anger, or regret, those are neurons firing in your head. But consciousness (as much as I love science) can’t be explained very well. Whatever that is, that is you, and once you can observe that which you are not (your thoughts, feelings, actions, past) you will in a sense free yourself to feel differently.

    The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is very helpful for understanding this perspective.

    You’re not a terrible person by the way, terrible people have a tendency to not care that they might be terrible, that level of potential empathy and self awareness kind of disqualifies you from membership in the terrible person club.

    #46719
    Joseph
    Participant

    Saskia,

    What would it mean (about you) if she accepted your overture and you guys did go out?

    What would it mean (about you) if she read into your intentions and thought it might be a bad idea (I don’t think this is the case btw)?

    I think your rational conclusions in the last e-mail are probably right on. You sound like a great person and I am pretty certain most anyone would be lucky to have more time to spend with you.

    Have a great weekend.

    #46718
    Joseph
    Participant

    Hi Kristy,

    Sometimes we fall in love with being in love. Its not a bad thing, your feelings are all ok. The only thing to think about, and its easier for someone to say then it is for someone to follow but you are making two decisions in this situation.

    You are making the choice to seek out new attention from this past flame. And its totally ok for you to make that choice for yourself.

    But you are also making a second choice.

    You are making the choice for your husband that he won’t leave you even though you do this because you don’t share the truth with him. You absolutely have the right to feel and take the actions you want, but you shouldn’t make the choice for your husband. You should allow him to know what your actions are so he can then make his choices for himself.

    #46628
    Joseph
    Participant

    Dear Happy J,

    I feel like the right thing to say is something really unorthodox, so I hope that it is helpful.

    Whatever you are feeling and discussing, the thing you are afraid could be diagnosed as anxiety, well no one on here who does not know you could have enough information to make that diagnosis properly. Hopefully there is some comfort in that.

    There is definitely something going on in your personal experience. Lets call it X since we don’t know what it is. Whatever X is you have been living with X for a while. You have been generally happy with life (even with X being around sometimes). I don’t know if you should be so afraid of one particular label for X vs. another. Even if it is the A word you seem to dread, the treatments are benign. I think whatever X is, once it is labeled you will actually be surprised to find that you feel relieved.

    You will make it through this fine.

    #46576
    Joseph
    Participant

    Online dating is pretty main stream these days. I suggest trying it out. You don’t have to give out any of your information unless you are comfortable. And of course if you don’t know someone I’d meet in public or take a friend along.

    For now if you like the meet up idea go with that. Talk to some of your friends about their thoughts on online dating as well, I’m sure some must have some experience.

    #46574
    Joseph
    Participant

    HI Danna,

    I can advise you on two different things to try depending on whichever is more in your comfort zone. If you are comfortable meeting people online you can do the online dating thing and try a site like http://www.pof.com/

    The other way to go would be to register for a site like Meetup.com. You can find people interested in different activities like biking, hiking, meditation etc… whatever your interests might be. And that is a great way to make your circle of people you know bigger and meet more people who you may like to date.

    Give it a try 🙂

    #46568
    Joseph
    Participant

    Breathe Deeply,

    When you are removed from the situation and alone, are you good at creating a plan for how to handle similar situations (or future situations). For example. Say you have an encounter with a co-worker, once you are removed and you have time to think about it, are you good at following through with a strategy or do you end up on autopilot the next time you see them?

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 43 total)