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I have a soulmate; he isn't my husband

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  • #38913
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Is this even possible?
    I have had some life-awareness recently. It’s not that I have been unaware, but more like in denial about the true nature of my 20+ year marriage. Although it has been happy for the most part, I now am feeling I buried the bad, and it is resurfacing in flood-like waves. Why?? It feels divinely inspired (I had a recent spiritual experience as well, to further add to this story)and shortly after this began, I had waves of emotion for a man I loved first in my life. This has been a complete surprise to me. I have him coming in my dreams. Can a soul mate be established early in your life? I have honestly not thought of him in years. Where does this come from?
    I made contact with him recently. We had a truly remarkable encounter. It has not made me want to flee my marriage, and this man is not expecting me to. Quite the contrary. We both acknowledged a deep love for each other that has remained all of these years, and feel we are soul mates. Has anyone ever experienced this before?

    #38916
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Khani,

    While I have never been married, I was given a crucial piece of wisdom that has stuck with me when I thought I lost my soulmate once too. The truth is, there are soulmates, and there are lifemates, and those are not necessarily the same thing. Soulmates are those that reveal layers of ourselves to us and help us grow and learn. Lifemates are those that we love on a deep level that survives hardships and celebrates happiness. It is okay to have both kind of people in your life. Soulmates are exciting and make us feel tingy and alive. Lifemates give us these feelings but once those feelings are gone, a lasting love and commitment remains as well, enough to get through the bad times. When you do find a soulmate, the feelings for that person never do quite go away and you will always share something with them; it’s okay to feel that way. My advice is to accept the different roles of these two people in your life and to understand that they come with different emotions.

    #38918
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks for passing along that wisdom Victoria. My soul mate and I actually discussed some of which you touched on. We feel we will always have a lasting love, one that has been with us all these years. We went different directions, he however married and divorced after 20+ yrs. Interesting how parallel our lives have run. I believe that the children we bore in our marriages are essentially the reason we were with other spouses, and that each child needed this set of parents….makes sense to me anyway. We feel had we not ‘missed’ each other later in life, early 20’s, when we were both single, we would be married now and had a number of kids! But we were interrupted, for whatever reason, that has yet to be fully revealed. I think our children were a part of that reason. I love him differently than my husband, on a much deeper level that is hard to describe. I search each day for a name to call it, because I tend to want to identify my emotions instead of letting them just be felt. I feel warm and smile-y every day we talk, and a little bit sad when we don’t get the opportunity. I do want him in my life forever. My husband has been a wonderful provider, a great dad and has cared for me in ways I try to thank him for everyday. He does not share my spiritual beliefs and I don’t want that to become an issue, but I recognize my need for a love that is soulful and someone who gets the importance of that aspect of my definition of love. My soul mate- I feel a life with him would have been a happy one and hardships would have been survivable as well. I feel THAT connected. He has definitely helped me grow in a way that I could never properly thank him. I learn from him every time we talk. It’s someone I wish I could share out loud with, but I know that is asking much of my husband,adult child and extended family and friends. I appreciate your time today.

    #38923
    David Goettsch
    Participant

    Khani,

    It sounds like you definitely have a genuinely powerful connection with this person, and that is something to cherish, but be very careful where you tread. I know you already mentioned you are faithful and that you have a different love for your husband, but you are on a razor’s edge in this situation. Some people come along in our life and they seem like a miracle, and we connect with them on every level. When these charismatic people come into our lives, its easy to forget that a lot of the magic that is occurring between the two of you is overemphasized because of the excitement. I’m not saying your connection isn’t everything you say it is, but Victoria really made a stellar point that you and your husband have made it this far for a reason, through it all. Relationships aren’t easy and 20 years is a point of pride. Maybe your dreams involve this person because you are seeking something to fill the void that is left from your relationship with you and your husband. It would make sense that this person provides the things you dont get from your marriage, and that could be why its sinking into your subconscious. I would like to offer a different perspective though, some of the things that you aren’t getting out of your husband might be able to be found. I understand that there are some fundamental differences, as you mentioned with beliefs and other things, but don’t count out your relationship with him just because there are ways you are unfulfilled. If you get creative enough, and involve him the process, you might be amazed at the needs your husband might be able to meet for you. So often in long relationships we think, “well this is it, this is all I’m going to get out of it, and I guess I will have to settle with it.” When in reality even in the longest relationships there is room for personal growth and new levels of understanding with your partner. I obviously don’t know much about your situation, but from what you said, I just thought that it was a perspective worth considering. You have been together with him this long, obviously you guys connect on some level, maybe its time to think outside the box and find some new connections to make with your husband before spending too much time in dream land and questioning your decisions in life. Either way I hope it works out well for you. =)

    Dave

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by David Goettsch.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by tinybuddha.
    #38956
    Donna
    Participant

    I agree with David. Marriages are not easy and after a long time together, things can become mundane. You say this other guy is your ‘soulmate’ but to me that just sounds like a fancy spiritual sounding word for ‘guy that seems more interesting than my husband’. Be careful that you are not creating a fantasy to escape things you are denying about yourself or your relationship with your husband. Marriage can provide HUGE opportunities for personal growth but we have to be completely honest with ourselves and what we need and be completely honest with our partners. I would suggest you first dig deep within yourself to discover why you have been feeling dissatisfied with your relationship with your husband. I’m sure he gave you those special feelings when you first met him, right? Have you expressed your desire for a more ‘soulful’ love to your husband? And more importantly, do YOU know what you really mean when you say ‘soulful’ love? What exactly are you yearning for that you feel you are not getting currently? This is what you need to explore and express to your partner.

    #39041
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you Dave for your reply. I do take in to consideration some of the issues you point out. I haven’t written in great detail my entire story, and was mainly inquiring if there were others who may have had a similar connection or if it seemed a possibility. First, I do love my husband. And we have traveled together many years and lots of bumpy roads at that. It’s ok. I didn’t expect to get to the end of this life without some. He is NOT me, nor I him and we have had different viewpoints in many areas. That’s ok too. I respect this man beyond measure. My confusion seemed to surface fast and loud after a particularly moving encounter during prayer, which was quite unexpected. Images and memories flooded in. I am finding ways to process it all, and am giving myself time to do just that. I question why I never allowed the feelings and emotions to be felt at the time they were happening, and I have decided, at that time, I operated out of fear. Now I am stronger and finding that it’s ok to face them head on and as a member of the human race, I get to be human!! I get to have time for ME, and not just shelve everything until I can find some alone time to deal with issues. I have grown and may be growing in a way my husband can’t accept but it’s way to soon to speculate anything. My hope is as you stated… we each have some personal growth (He- “I am who I am”….no need to change?) and develop new levels of understanding. I love your perspective. However dreamland for me usually involves weird animals and lots of flying! I give this moment in time very serious attention in the very present…no dreaming. I think one of my biggest hurdles will be forgiving myself for not speaking up all the times I felt invalidated, hurt, or unloved and letting fear rule the day. I try to base everything I think say and do on love. Did I not love myself enough to speak up? Did I fear my husband at the time and distrust him and fear that I could inflame the situation? Can my husband forgive me for the same? He was as confused as I was as I described, in detail at times, particular incidences that have now arrived at our doorstep. I have lots of work to do. My soul mate is not my focus. I know who he is in my life. I needn’t focus there. As each of us journey, I think it important not necessarily to question our decisions but give an honest look at where we find ourselves in the present. Am I happy? Since my answer was no, I have to look at my past. Why am I where I am? I am comfortable. I am cared for, sheltered, fed. But my heart is not. It’s not broken, just feeling sad. Where is the love…the love I once knew?

    #39043
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you Donna for taking the time respond. Marriage does require time and attention…a slow dance once in a while, a hug and the husband making the dinner once in a while 🙂 I do not wish for an escape.The other guy isn’t a fancy fantasy. He is very real and I needn’t question my nor his intentions. We have none. We choose to be in each others’ lives because of love. I do strive for a deeper connection to myself and how I fit in the world, but also more time for my relationship with my husband to be nurtured. His work is demanding and I try to provide as much support as I can. I explained to another respondent some of the dishonesty I have had come to light (to myself, thus affecting him/our marriage) and will continue to try to improve going forward. In defining a soulful love, my soul is who I am. I just have a body to experience this life in. My husband claims to have no connection to a soul…he says he cannot experience what I describe. So in loving him, in his human-ness, I apparently can’t connect on his level, love him on a soul- level, if that makes sense. When I describe to him what intimacy means to me, IN-TO-ME-HE-SEES, he rolls his eyes :/
    I married him knowing he was open to questions about the universe. He has over time, decided it isn’t worth exploring. We are born, then we die. End of story.

    #39187
    Donna
    Participant

    What I mean by fantasy is that the relationship is new and exciting and doesn’t yet have the depth and realism that your marriage has. That feeling of sharing this unearthly amazing connection when you first start a relationship with someone changes into a more earthly, grounded and sometimes mundane feeling. I think this is the nature of relationships. Also, the closer we get to someone, the more scary it becomes to be really intimate and open with that person since there is a whole lot more at risk.

    Many, if not most, men would react the same way at the mention of ‘intimacy’. Intimacy is a concept that is very different for women and men. Men often fear losing themselves or losing their independence. Rather that saying, ‘I want more intimacy’ (which may terrify him), try explaining exactly what you want. Men respond much better when you tell them a specific action they can do. Also, try disclosing things about yourself without expecting him to reciprocate.

    I am actually going through something similar with my husband after being together for ten years. I have recently awakened and become much more aware. I have this yearning for more….I am changing and growing and fear that we might end up growing apart. My husband, too, is much more grounded which is probably why I was attracted to him in the first place. My priority right now is to remain patient and courageous and most of all, honest to myself and to my husband. I believe real intimacy first starts with yourself. Rather than blaming, confront your own emotions and issues. Sometimes a trait that we dislike in our partners, is a trait that we reject in ourselves. Let your partner be a mirror, a way for you to learn.

    Another insight I just had today is how true it is that the things we love about our partner are usually the things that also drive us crazy! For example, I love my husband’s quiet, thoughtful nature but it drives me bananas when he is uncommunicative. I love that he is easygoing and agreeable but hate that he can be passive and lazy. I recommend you make a list and then take a look at how these traits apply to you. It’s an interesting exploration!

    #39194
    Jeff
    Participant

    Sorry- I have to say this, even if it comes across as harsh. To have an affair- physically OR emotionally- is wrong. And make no mistake- this IS an emotional affair you are describing. Let me ask- does your husband know about this other guy and that you feel this “connection” to him? If not, why not? Using the word “soulmate” does not negate the fact that you are emotionally committing and investing yourself to someone other than your husband. Do you think your husband will buy that your soulmate loves you and you love him, but that’s OK because you’re staying with your husband?

    I apologize for coming across as hard with this, but I’ve been on the other side of an emotional affair and it is every bit as devastating as a physical affair to the person that is being cheated on. Please be very careful, because I will guarantee you that someone- likely your husband- will get very hurt by this when it comes out.

    #39214
    Jeff
    Participant

    I have been thinking about my response earlier today for the entire evening now, and I would like to apologize for coming across as so harsh. While I may disagree with you, I could have said that in a more friendly and supportive manner. Again,my apologies.

    #46711
    Joe a.
    Participant

    I feel like I found my soul mate..she won’t talk to me anymore, with good reason. I kinda acted crazy and chased her away. It was interesting..somehow I knew when she was upset mad angry..there was signs all along that pointed to her being my soul mate. We had the exact same experienced growing up, she is like my mirror image of myself. Sometimes the similarities we so much I pretended to be different from her. The problem is she is a tough girl who doesn’t feel deeply about people or we’ll me I guess. She would come to me for everything and when I told her I loved her she became very cold. I couldn’t deal with the pain of rejection, I was so confused, this was the third girl I loved and I felt this amazing connection to her. When I first met her there was a beam of energy pulling me to her, I couldn’t stop it, and didn’t want to, it was like everything was set up ahead of time, all the words were there already. Her child’s father is a problem but I didn’t care. I loved her. I was doped up on Xanax for a long time and was numb, so I couldn’t express my feeling until it was too late, when I did get off Xanax and told her she didn’t accept it, she didn’t like it, she became cold. I am heart broken now and honestly can’t see myself with anyone else. All I feel is pain and sadness. She won’t talk to me,she thinks I’m a bad person.

    #46718
    Joseph
    Participant

    Hi Kristy,

    Sometimes we fall in love with being in love. Its not a bad thing, your feelings are all ok. The only thing to think about, and its easier for someone to say then it is for someone to follow but you are making two decisions in this situation.

    You are making the choice to seek out new attention from this past flame. And its totally ok for you to make that choice for yourself.

    But you are also making a second choice.

    You are making the choice for your husband that he won’t leave you even though you do this because you don’t share the truth with him. You absolutely have the right to feel and take the actions you want, but you shouldn’t make the choice for your husband. You should allow him to know what your actions are so he can then make his choices for himself.

    #46810
    bodhisatva
    Participant

    Hi Kristy
    I am sorry for the confusion you feel, however, as a man who was on the other side of a similar but worse situation, I d really really wish for you to think through and medicate over this situation before you make any decisions. This is not completely fair towards your husband, who seems to be a loving man. There is no judgement involved, and there is certainly possibility of two people growing apart, however, it should be done amicably, with truth and love. Otherwise there is only hurt down this path, for you, your husband and the man you feel is your soulmate, which may takes months to years to heal.
    Please take the advice above and reach into your heart, which i know is good but misguided at present.
    good luck to you sister,
    love
    B

    #49015
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    bodhisatva and Joseph, thank you. I read your responses and just wanted to acknowledge them. I am touched by your words and know they are heartfelt. I am giving my marriage time.There are issues at his work and some family illness going on and I can’t ask my husband to give more than what he is giving right now. I am a patient woman. I am actually amazed at how calm and understanding I have become. I thank God for this. I have been given grace and for this I am thankful. I have found a therapist who has been wonderful and is helping me become stronger and teaches me to use my voice! So much pain inside that I could not express! My husband has not yet been able to say “I’m sorry”, only “…you’re saying I stabbed you in the heart 1,000 times.” I’m waiting…waiting…and I ask myself, “Will there ever be a time when there will be no crisis and my husband will finally be relaxed and not so angry all the time?” I need more than luck, bodhisatva. I need prayer. Joseph, you make the point about choices, his and mine. This is fair. I agree. I have ended communication with the man I believe to be my soul-mate. We were both aware that what we had begun could not continue. I am ok with that. I cannot have my heart in two different places without it eventually being torn in two. I love my husband and want him to be happy, but he keeps sabotaging himself. It’s sad to watch the destruction. As long as he continues to return to this place it is difficult to imagine a happy future with him. Dilemma.I am choosing to keep my heart protected for now, recognizing that I can’t make him a happy man. I continue to believe for a miracle.

    #49528
    Confusion
    Participant

    I feel like I wrote what you wrote! You are not alone. Every day I struggle with guilt feeling like I’m not happy with my husband and yearning for my “soulmate” friend of 17 yrs. I feel guilt bc I feel my husband deserves better than a confused wife that feels disconnected. My husband is similar sounding to yours. He doesn’t feel any need to grow and change. Lives status quo. I am always learning, growing, etc. I need a challenge in my relationship. But it’s not who my husband is. I feel I don’t love him unconditionally. I feel stuck too. I try to have faith and seek God. But my gut feelings keep pointing me towards the other guy. We stopped chatting ( me and soulmate), but I think of him all the time, still!

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