Hi again, Di! I totally feel you. You have a lot of big questions on your mind and the biggest one of all–Do I stay or do I go? Will we grow together or will we grow apart?–It sounds like you are disconnecting, perhaps to protect yourself or to prepare yourself for a decision ahead. I think at some time, you will reach the crisis point where the fear of losing yourself becomes greater than the fear of losing him. Maybe you are already there. There is really no great advice I can give you other than to stay aware and stay true to yourself.

As for my situation, I have noticed a shift. Recently, my husband has been aware of his anger and his reactions and learning to control them. And I have been learning to handle confrontations better–to stay calm, really listen and try to understand, while at the same time, stand my ground when we have confrontations. Now when we talk, we both open up more and there’s a softening. Both of us are are starting to become more compassionate and both of us are growing up. I think I doubted my husband sometimes when I could have had more faith and patience. We do generally choose partners who are equal in emotional maturity so who was I to think I was so much more self-aware than him? He has surprised me, I must admit. Just something to ponder….

Your husband may grow with you or he may not, only time will tell. Stay open to all of the possibilities and trust that things will work out in harmony with your highest potential.

“When I said do you want to spend the rest of your life waking up to me he said I don’t know”

This must have been tough to hear. Read this again to yourself. Imagine if your girl friend told you that her boyfriend said this. What advice would you give her?

What often happens is we hear what we want to hear. You wanted to believe so badly that he wanted to marry you and settle down that you refused to believe differently. Right now, you have left the ball in his court. You are waiting for him to contact you and make HIS decision. You need to empower yourself and tell him what YOU have decided. Whatever feels right to you. Maybe that means telling him that you are moving on. But also keep this in mind: if he DOES contact you and says he will marry you, would you feel secure then? I imagine your answer would be No. How can you believe a guy really wants you when it seems so hard for him to decide?

As for moving, of course it is possible. I just did it myself! It’s stressful and can be very challenging at times but I knew for sure that this is what I wanted. I had no doubt in my mind that it was time for a change. Moving to another country is a huge decision and you certainly want to make it from a place of peace and clarity, not fear, as Matt said. Right now, your head is still caught up in your ex. give yourself some time to heal and regain your sense of security and self-esteem. Then decide whether or not you want to make the big move.

Good luck!

Zenhen and kaya: I can relate to what you are feeling–that impatience. I think in our society we are so conditioned to always be doing and achieving. Taking time to just sit and look within is not valued. You cannot change if you are constantly trying to advance, get somewhere, get better. If you are thinking–what do I need to do next to be the person I want to be next year, you will be caught in the anxiety of the future rather than the peace and clarity of the present. Change really only comes when you truly accept who you are RIGHT NOW. Then open yourself and allow the transformation to happen.

Actually we are always transforming and changing but we only really notice it when we feel uncomfortable. The key is to get comfortable feeling uncomfortable and love and honor yourself as you are today. Living in this state of awareness, peace and love you will be open to receiving insights and inspiration and you will naturally make the choices that are right for you, spontaneously, moment to moment. Remember that you are a wonderful, unique human being and there is nowhere to go, nothing to do. LOVE YOURSELF, BE AWARE, BE OPEN, TRUST.

Di, I can totally relate to what you are going through–learning to set boundaries, finding balance, making hard choices. I think Matt has given great advice!

I don’t know if you are experiencing this, but my biggest challenge right now is staying on track–I keep flipping back and forth. Some days I feel that everything is fine and it’s just a tough growing part of our relationship. I feel that we are good together and we will get through it together. I mean, obviously I chose him for a reason. Other days, I find myself having so many doubts and wondering if I am just wasting my time. I feel like I am still waiting for him to change. If he would just do A, B, C and D, I would be happier. My husband is really a sweet guy and I wonder if am just fantasizing about a better perfect partner that doesn’t exist.

Maybe this is all just my mid-life crisis and my head will clear in a year or so and I will know exactly what to do. All I know is that I have to keep being aware and keep being true to myself. I do feel that I am on the right path and I now feel much more conscious about my choices.

good luck!

I totally agree with the other posters. As much as you want him to join you in your journey of self-discover and self-awareness, remember that it is YOUR journey. He is on his own path going at his own pace. We cannot force a bud to become a flower overnight. It will come out in its own time. Have patience. As already mentioned, just seeing you and being around you, he is likely to become more self-aware. When you turn on a light in a room, it helps everyone see.

I also agree that you should not engage in his dramas. This will only allow him to continue to project his rejected feelings onto you. He has to confront HIMSELF. Stop trying to change him and create strong boundaries for yourself so you don’t lose yourself. In time, he will begin to see that he cannot deal with you in ways that may have worked in the past. He will NEED to change in order to keep up with the evolving relationship. Right now, focus on yourself and your needs and don’t be afraid to voice your true feelings with conviction and compassion. It may take a long time before the two of you are in sync again and unfortunately it is possible that your boats go in separate directions. Keep calm through these stormy waters. Keep swimming and stay true to yourself. You may find that on the other side, you and your husband become closer than before. You won’t know until you get there.

I am going through something very similar with my husband. Hang in there! Also I highly recommend the book, ‘Passionate Marriage’ by David Schnarch. It really helped me see relationships and intimacy in a new way. Good luck!

I agree with David. Marriages are not easy and after a long time together, things can become mundane. You say this other guy is your ‘soulmate’ but to me that just sounds like a fancy spiritual sounding word for ‘guy that seems more interesting than my husband’. Be careful that you are not creating a fantasy to escape things you are denying about yourself or your relationship with your husband. Marriage can provide HUGE opportunities for personal growth but we have to be completely honest with ourselves and what we need and be completely honest with our partners. I would suggest you first dig deep within yourself to discover why you have been feeling dissatisfied with your relationship with your husband. I’m sure he gave you those special feelings when you first met him, right? Have you expressed your desire for a more ‘soulful’ love to your husband? And more importantly, do YOU know what you really mean when you say ‘soulful’ love? What exactly are you yearning for that you feel you are not getting currently? This is what you need to explore and express to your partner.