Forum Replies Created
September 17, 2013 at 11:06 am #42359
Di, Glad to see that you are still here. I am so inspired by your story and your growth. Thank you!
A few things you mentioned rang true for me. One–that I need to stop focusing so much on my partner and trying to control him and start putting that energy towards working on myself. Two–that I need to continue to love and accept myself and have compassion for others, too Three–that I need to let go of having to know what’s going to happen next.
We are both going through a very stressful time, being in a new environment. Lately, he has been complaining a lot, being negative and hostile and I sometimes feel like I am under attack; like I have to be careful about everything I say and do because he might suddenly get angry. I have tried to talk with him and tell him what my boundaries are but it often seems to be a flop. He quickly gets defensive and says it’s a bad thing to talk about problems because it will make them worse. He has been riding a roller coaster and I feel I am sometimes riding it with him. I know I need to separate my emotions from his and I have been getting better at staying calm but how can I NOT feel stressed when he is so negative and critical.
Another thing I am having trouble with lately is how much he drinks.August 29, 2013 at 7:25 am #41385
Hi again, Di! I totally feel you. You have a lot of big questions on your mind and the biggest one of all–Do I stay or do I go? Will we grow together or will we grow apart?–It sounds like you are disconnecting, perhaps to protect yourself or to prepare yourself for a decision ahead. I think at some time, you will reach the crisis point where the fear of losing yourself becomes greater than the fear of losing him. Maybe you are already there. There is really no great advice I can give you other than to stay aware and stay true to yourself.
As for my situation, I have noticed a shift. Recently, my husband has been aware of his anger and his reactions and learning to control them. And I have been learning to handle confrontations better–to stay calm, really listen and try to understand, while at the same time, stand my ground when we have confrontations. Now when we talk, we both open up more and there’s a softening. Both of us are are starting to become more compassionate and both of us are growing up. I think I doubted my husband sometimes when I could have had more faith and patience. We do generally choose partners who are equal in emotional maturity so who was I to think I was so much more self-aware than him? He has surprised me, I must admit. Just something to ponder….
Your husband may grow with you or he may not, only time will tell. Stay open to all of the possibilities and trust that things will work out in harmony with your highest potential.August 20, 2013 at 9:57 am #40838
As hard as it is sometimes, it’s always best to focus on what you DO have rather than on what you don’t have. Life will never be perfect, and if we spend energy on what our life is missing, we won’t be able to appreciate all the good things in our life. It seems to me you are craving appreciation, affection and compliments which suggests that perhaps you feel if you can get these things from others, you will be happier. I also feel like maybe you have chosen situations where you are less likely to develop close bonds–moving to another country and having a boyfriend who suffers from depression. I would guess there is a lesson for you in all of this; something you need to learn. You said you haven’t really had a family since you were a child so there may be some issues buried that need to be worked through. (I am only guessing here) Take this time to look deep into your soul and see if you have any feelings that are craving YOUR attention.August 19, 2013 at 4:44 pm #40775
“When I said do you want to spend the rest of your life waking up to me he said I don’t know”
This must have been tough to hear. Read this again to yourself. Imagine if your girl friend told you that her boyfriend said this. What advice would you give her?
What often happens is we hear what we want to hear. You wanted to believe so badly that he wanted to marry you and settle down that you refused to believe differently. Right now, you have left the ball in his court. You are waiting for him to contact you and make HIS decision. You need to empower yourself and tell him what YOU have decided. Whatever feels right to you. Maybe that means telling him that you are moving on. But also keep this in mind: if he DOES contact you and says he will marry you, would you feel secure then? I imagine your answer would be No. How can you believe a guy really wants you when it seems so hard for him to decide?
As for moving, of course it is possible. I just did it myself! It’s stressful and can be very challenging at times but I knew for sure that this is what I wanted. I had no doubt in my mind that it was time for a change. Moving to another country is a huge decision and you certainly want to make it from a place of peace and clarity, not fear, as Matt said. Right now, your head is still caught up in your ex. give yourself some time to heal and regain your sense of security and self-esteem. Then decide whether or not you want to make the big move.
Good luck!August 16, 2013 at 6:43 pm #40643
It sounds like you are on the right track–forgiveness and acceptance of yourself and others is a huge step towards loving yourself. Another essential aspect is taking care of yourself and taking responsibility for yourself and your life. Remember that you ARE ENOUGH just as you are…right now! Be easy on yourself and be patient–loving yourself is a life-long process. You are on your path, learning everything just when you need to learn it. Keep taking one step at a time.August 14, 2013 at 4:55 pm #40471
Zenhen and kaya: I can relate to what you are feeling–that impatience. I think in our society we are so conditioned to always be doing and achieving. Taking time to just sit and look within is not valued. You cannot change if you are constantly trying to advance, get somewhere, get better. If you are thinking–what do I need to do next to be the person I want to be next year, you will be caught in the anxiety of the future rather than the peace and clarity of the present. Change really only comes when you truly accept who you are RIGHT NOW. Then open yourself and allow the transformation to happen.
Actually we are always transforming and changing but we only really notice it when we feel uncomfortable. The key is to get comfortable feeling uncomfortable and love and honor yourself as you are today. Living in this state of awareness, peace and love you will be open to receiving insights and inspiration and you will naturally make the choices that are right for you, spontaneously, moment to moment. Remember that you are a wonderful, unique human being and there is nowhere to go, nothing to do. LOVE YOURSELF, BE AWARE, BE OPEN, TRUST.August 8, 2013 at 9:32 am #39966
Di, I feel you. Especially about the monster in my head. What I realized this morning is that I am spending way to much time mind-screwing myself. Rather that judging, worrying, yearning…I need to focus on myself. Open my heart to the present moment. That is where I will find peace, love, joy, contentment, security and connection. I hate the uncertainty, the unknowing but the only way I am going to make good choices is to stay present.
I believe I need to allow this transformation to happen and stop worrying so much about where I will end up. I just need to trust in the universe and most importantly–trust myself. I know that if I believe in myself and stay true to myself, I am going to go in the right direction. I need to trust that I am an intelligent woman who is capable of creating a great future for herself and capable of whatever happens along the way.
Uncertainty of what is going to happen next terrifies me but I think my biggest lesson may be to learn to live with tension and be able to comfort myself. Not to fear the unknown.
I, too, have been reading, meditating, doing yoga, really taking care of myself. Writing has really helped me immensely as well.
I hope we can stay in touch.
Matt, again, you have great insights! thanks!August 6, 2013 at 11:33 am #39847
Di, I can totally relate to what you are going through–learning to set boundaries, finding balance, making hard choices. I think Matt has given great advice!
I don’t know if you are experiencing this, but my biggest challenge right now is staying on track–I keep flipping back and forth. Some days I feel that everything is fine and it’s just a tough growing part of our relationship. I feel that we are good together and we will get through it together. I mean, obviously I chose him for a reason. Other days, I find myself having so many doubts and wondering if I am just wasting my time. I feel like I am still waiting for him to change. If he would just do A, B, C and D, I would be happier. My husband is really a sweet guy and I wonder if am just fantasizing about a better perfect partner that doesn’t exist.
Maybe this is all just my mid-life crisis and my head will clear in a year or so and I will know exactly what to do. All I know is that I have to keep being aware and keep being true to myself. I do feel that I am on the right path and I now feel much more conscious about my choices.
good luck!July 26, 2013 at 12:10 pm #39245
He told you about hanging out with the two ‘friends-with-benefits’ girls so it doesn’t sound like he was trying to hide anything from you. And as for his ex, how much information do you want? Generally it’s best to leave the past in the past. Personally, I don’t think it’s necessary to talk about an ex unless it is somehow relevant to your current relationship.
I’m hearing from you that you feel insecure and that is something that YOU must deal with. Your boyfriend is not responsible for making you feel secure. If he is doing something that bothers you, set clear and firm boundaries for yourself. for example, say–I really don’t feel comfortable when you hang out with other girls (that you’ve slept with) or talk about your ex. I would prefer it if you didn’t do it. –Then if he continues the behavior, you might want to consider ending the relationship since he is not respecting you or your feelings.
Depression and anxiety are not easy to cope with. Please try to heal yourself first before you worry about having serious relationships. You can only be loved and respected as much as you love and respect and feel comfortable with yourself.July 25, 2013 at 9:33 am #39189
I totally agree with the other posters. As much as you want him to join you in your journey of self-discover and self-awareness, remember that it is YOUR journey. He is on his own path going at his own pace. We cannot force a bud to become a flower overnight. It will come out in its own time. Have patience. As already mentioned, just seeing you and being around you, he is likely to become more self-aware. When you turn on a light in a room, it helps everyone see.
I also agree that you should not engage in his dramas. This will only allow him to continue to project his rejected feelings onto you. He has to confront HIMSELF. Stop trying to change him and create strong boundaries for yourself so you don’t lose yourself. In time, he will begin to see that he cannot deal with you in ways that may have worked in the past. He will NEED to change in order to keep up with the evolving relationship. Right now, focus on yourself and your needs and don’t be afraid to voice your true feelings with conviction and compassion. It may take a long time before the two of you are in sync again and unfortunately it is possible that your boats go in separate directions. Keep calm through these stormy waters. Keep swimming and stay true to yourself. You may find that on the other side, you and your husband become closer than before. You won’t know until you get there.
I am going through something very similar with my husband. Hang in there! Also I highly recommend the book, ‘Passionate Marriage’ by David Schnarch. It really helped me see relationships and intimacy in a new way. Good luck!July 25, 2013 at 9:11 am #39187
What I mean by fantasy is that the relationship is new and exciting and doesn’t yet have the depth and realism that your marriage has. That feeling of sharing this unearthly amazing connection when you first start a relationship with someone changes into a more earthly, grounded and sometimes mundane feeling. I think this is the nature of relationships. Also, the closer we get to someone, the more scary it becomes to be really intimate and open with that person since there is a whole lot more at risk.
Many, if not most, men would react the same way at the mention of ‘intimacy’. Intimacy is a concept that is very different for women and men. Men often fear losing themselves or losing their independence. Rather that saying, ‘I want more intimacy’ (which may terrify him), try explaining exactly what you want. Men respond much better when you tell them a specific action they can do. Also, try disclosing things about yourself without expecting him to reciprocate.
I am actually going through something similar with my husband after being together for ten years. I have recently awakened and become much more aware. I have this yearning for more….I am changing and growing and fear that we might end up growing apart. My husband, too, is much more grounded which is probably why I was attracted to him in the first place. My priority right now is to remain patient and courageous and most of all, honest to myself and to my husband. I believe real intimacy first starts with yourself. Rather than blaming, confront your own emotions and issues. Sometimes a trait that we dislike in our partners, is a trait that we reject in ourselves. Let your partner be a mirror, a way for you to learn.
Another insight I just had today is how true it is that the things we love about our partner are usually the things that also drive us crazy! For example, I love my husband’s quiet, thoughtful nature but it drives me bananas when he is uncommunicative. I love that he is easygoing and agreeable but hate that he can be passive and lazy. I recommend you make a list and then take a look at how these traits apply to you. It’s an interesting exploration!July 20, 2013 at 10:48 am #38956
I agree with David. Marriages are not easy and after a long time together, things can become mundane. You say this other guy is your ‘soulmate’ but to me that just sounds like a fancy spiritual sounding word for ‘guy that seems more interesting than my husband’. Be careful that you are not creating a fantasy to escape things you are denying about yourself or your relationship with your husband. Marriage can provide HUGE opportunities for personal growth but we have to be completely honest with ourselves and what we need and be completely honest with our partners. I would suggest you first dig deep within yourself to discover why you have been feeling dissatisfied with your relationship with your husband. I’m sure he gave you those special feelings when you first met him, right? Have you expressed your desire for a more ‘soulful’ love to your husband? And more importantly, do YOU know what you really mean when you say ‘soulful’ love? What exactly are you yearning for that you feel you are not getting currently? This is what you need to explore and express to your partner.