July 25, 2013 at 8:16 am #39180HelenParticipant
Hello everybody! Namaste 🙂
So, I’ve been with my boyfriend for three months. I have to say, we together pretty quickly because we both just felt that this is something good. I have been very open to him about my depression and anxiety problems that I’ve had in the past and that I am still going to therapy every week, and that I am taking medication.
In the past few weeks, too much has happened for my mind and soul to cope and I can feel that I am in a very exhausted state of mind. Which is way my doctor has prescribed me a few days off. My boyfriend and I have already been through a few things that have made our relationship stronger. We had a “honeymoon” phase but mabye for two weeks. He never lied to me, but also didn’t tell me everything about his (pretty recent) ex, which caused a lot of tension.
Also he hung out with girls who he had a sort of “friends with benefits” situation with last year an entire day and didn’t tell me. He just told me in conversation and was shocked that I was a little pissed about that. As you can tell, yes, I am a little insecure. And also, because the stress I’ve been having in my job, I am much more irritable than normally. At least lately, I had been doing good. But it has been going down hill for a month or so now.
And in one way, I know and he knows, that some of the things , or more the way he handled them, were his responsability. But it’s also the way I reacted to things – I just cry so quickly it’s ridiculous – that made him feel a little overwhelmed.
It’s hard to admit, but I’m scared that my state right now is too much for a young relationship to handle. What’s good is that he is going to visit his family for 9 days soon, so he will have time to re-energize as well. And it’s not like I cry to him all days with texts and calls. It’s just when something tiny, tiny irritable happens, I snap. I just cannot take any stress right now.
So my question is: how do tell my man that I need his support and understanding without driving him away or asking too much out of him?
I don’t want him to think that THIS is me, cause right now I don’t feel like me, I feel like a fragment of myself. And I don’t want to scare him away – and of course that thought gives me very, very bad anxiety.
But he says he loves me and that he understands, and I have been there for him as well cause he isn’t doing so well in his work and wants to leave the office…So when he was grumpy I just accepted it.
What do you guys think? Much love, HelenJuly 25, 2013 at 8:43 am #39185MattParticipant
I apologize for the brevity, time is short for me at the moment, but some things came to heart as I read your words that I wish to say before they fade.
Consider trying to catch your feelings directly. When you heard about the time he spent with his friend, there were the words you heard, the visions you had, the feelings that came up, and then the words you spoke. When we are feeling stressed, it is OK to accept that we’re stressed. Its better to say “I am feeling…” than “how could you do that to me.” Consider that if you had caught the feeling of jealousy and fear before it turned to anger and accusations, it would have been less disorienting for both of you.
For instance “wow, as you told me about your friend, I had images of you being intimate with her and that was painful. Now I feel jealous, scared and angry. Can you help me those? Can you assure me that I am the magic in your eyes? That we are still we?” Own the feelings, and then own up to your feelings. That way you do not push him away or scare him away, but rather give him the keys to helping you.
Namaste, distant sister.
MattJuly 25, 2013 at 8:56 am #39186HelenParticipant
Thank you so much, dear Matt. For taking the time and for your wise words!July 26, 2013 at 12:10 pm #39245DonnaParticipant
He told you about hanging out with the two ‘friends-with-benefits’ girls so it doesn’t sound like he was trying to hide anything from you. And as for his ex, how much information do you want? Generally it’s best to leave the past in the past. Personally, I don’t think it’s necessary to talk about an ex unless it is somehow relevant to your current relationship.
I’m hearing from you that you feel insecure and that is something that YOU must deal with. Your boyfriend is not responsible for making you feel secure. If he is doing something that bothers you, set clear and firm boundaries for yourself. for example, say–I really don’t feel comfortable when you hang out with other girls (that you’ve slept with) or talk about your ex. I would prefer it if you didn’t do it. –Then if he continues the behavior, you might want to consider ending the relationship since he is not respecting you or your feelings.
Depression and anxiety are not easy to cope with. Please try to heal yourself first before you worry about having serious relationships. You can only be loved and respected as much as you love and respect and feel comfortable with yourself.