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When do I know?

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  • #40621
    Jamie
    Participant

    Hello Friends,

    I have some questions on ways to loving myself. I have hated myself for many years because of the choices I’ve made, letting the people who hurt me in the past ruin me as a person for many years, and after I turned 18 nothing in my life went the way I had planned. Now several years since then I have just continued to beat myself up and when my ex broke up with me of course the last few months I have been devastated but it was a wake up call that I needed to change. That I needed to believe in myself and love myself. I have a good heart. I know I’m a good person. I keep trying to tell that to myself but I still have doubts. How do I know that I love myself? It feels as though a daily affirmation that I’m a good person that I have a good heart isn’t enough. What are ways that I can go about in loving myself? I have started going back to Church and surrounding myself around positive people. Trying to clear my head and focus my negative thoughts with something else. I also am trying to forgive the past and people who hurt me and righting my wrongs. Yesterday I sent several messages to people I felt that I didn’t act my best in front of and I wanted to apologize and ask them to forgive me. Of course, non of them have replied and I don’t need their affirmation of forgiveness because I’m doing it for myself and knowing in myself I felt bad and wanted to do the right thing. It just feels like a constant daily battle with myself and it is so hard. Then there are times I start to think about my ex and Why wasn’t I good enough? Why will I never be good enough for him? etc Of course those thoughts bring me down. And I know the way he feels is about him and not me. My heart is still bruised and every day feels like it is still bleeding. Right now the sun is shining. I have so many blessings, but there is still this pain in my heart. I feel discouraged. When do I know I love myself? What other techniques are there in loving myself? These daily affirmations and prayers and trying to turn my thoughts around is such a struggle every day. I just want to be happy on my own and love myself without needing somebody else. Thank you for any advice.

    #40624
    William
    Participant

    Nathaniel Branden…..How to raise your self esteem, The art of living consciously……I have been working through sentence completion exercises from his book…Taking responsibility……..it is slowly, but very surely, vet definitely, changing my life. to the life I want. Yes it involves choices, it involves THINKING, it involves taking total responsibility for ME….but I think that is what I want to achieve in this life.

    You can check it out on Amazon…these are books I will probably read for the rest of my life….they might help you?

    All the very best,

    Will

    #40627
    Jamie
    Participant

    Thank you William for giving me some tools I can use to better myself. I just got paid today too so I can look on Amazon and buy them! YAY! I’m literally desperate for any helping tools to keep loving myself on. I hope you are learning A LOT in your journey! Thank you for your help! 🙂

    -Jamie

    #40628
    William
    Participant

    Jamie..in my life, I KNEW I had to act, do something. I am finding that this is not a quick fix, but there is beauty in it, even if it doesn’t come quickly or always show itself. all I can say is that it seems to be working for me……but I realise it is a PROCESS…and I have no idea as to whether it would work for anyone else. Please take it as a suggestion, meant with best intentions. My fog is clearing..I would love yours to, as well. I am happy to share what I am doing etc…if it might help you…but at the end of the day, the only person who will ever know is you..and that is wonderful!!

    #40632
    Matt
    Participant

    Jamie,

    Consider grabbing some headphones and following along to Ajahn Brahm in the following video:

    Nothing compares to a metta practice for cultivating self love, in my experience. Not only are his word melodic, but he gives strong visualizations.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #40634
    Jaydee
    Participant

    Jamie,
    I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with thoughts of self-hatred and especially doubt. Doubt is very difficult because it is more subtle and undermines our own very power to enact change in our lives I think that it is good that you are looking for ways to improve your mental environment and mental diet. It shows that you are committed to your own transformation. What I have found most helpful are metta meditations – that is lovingkindness meditations. They are not quite the same as self-affirmations but they are similar. What they do is cultivate an attitude and stance of acceptance and love toward yourself and toward others. I have found that in my own personal experience, focusing on MY thoughts, and MY behaviors aren’t even half the battle. Although it is my thoughts that bring me the most pain, working on them alone is only going to bring partial results and relief from my suffering. So the solution might not be exactly what you think. Even though you see your thoughts as being the problem – working on changing your thoughts may not be the solution. What I have found is that through the cultivation of metta my thoughts natural change and start to work in my own best interest more. They are more loving, more accepting, more compassionate. And so it was brought about not by changing my thoughts directly, but by putting my focus on my desire for myself and others to be happy, to be healthy, to be safe, and to experience well-being. You can find guided metta meditations on you-tube, or consider picking up Sharon Salzberg’s book, “Loving-Kindness.” Or Thich Nhat Hanh’s books are also very helpful and practical and reading them alone will serve as a balm for your suffering.

    May you be happy and experience the peace of well-being
    -J.D.

    #40640
    Jamie
    Participant

    Thank you both for the introduction to metta meditation. I will be starting the videos tonight and exploring it.Even though I feel defeated, I’m not giving up! I will take what you have suggested and work on it. Thank you you all so much! I can’t wait to write a happy post on here on my progress for you all! haha I’ll get there.

    Take Care! 🙂

    -Jamie

    #40641
    lucia
    Participant

    Hi Jamie,

    Give Christine Arylo a try. She’s got a book “Madly in Love with Me”. It’s got loads of exercises on self-love. Plus you can sign up for her newsletters or check out her videos on youtube. 🙂

    Lucia

    #40643
    Donna
    Participant

    It sounds like you are on the right track–forgiveness and acceptance of yourself and others is a huge step towards loving yourself. Another essential aspect is taking care of yourself and taking responsibility for yourself and your life. Remember that you ARE ENOUGH just as you are…right now! Be easy on yourself and be patient–loving yourself is a life-long process. You are on your path, learning everything just when you need to learn it. Keep taking one step at a time.

    #40662
    Jamie
    Participant

    Lucia and Donna,

    Thank you for your kind words. I will definitely look into her. It means so much to me! It is tough, but I’m excited for this journey. 🙂

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