Freaking out a little….

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    Today I am taking my young 13 year old son back to his father for the week, he’ll be over for the day on Tuesday so that’ll shorten up the week a bit and I get him back next Sunday night, we co-parent, but I feel like someone is choking me every time that dreaded Sunday rolls around. It usually starts Saturday morning, by the time Saturday night rolls around I am fidgety and anxious and this feeling is just awful. I know it’s separation anxiety, I don’t worry about Jeremy otherwise, but I miss him terribly when he’s not with me. Having always had him in my daily life for the past 13 years this has left a serious void in my life during the week he’s not with me.
    Partially it is because I don’t work right now, I wanted to take 6-12 months off just to figure out what I want to do, but for the last 2 months I have accomplished nothing, nothing has inspired me and even my passion for photography has become a very tiny flame. I would like nothing more than turn photography into a business or career, who’d hire a 49 year old life-long homemaker???? Or start a business of my own, but I wouldn’t even know where to start. I think boredom is getting the better of me and I feel terribly non-productive. I mean there’s more to me than just being a mother right?! where and what is it though? how do I find out who the heck I am? I am still as lost as I was when I was in a relationship, only now I am physically living on my own except the week Jeremy is with me, but he shouldn’t be the reason my life has purpose???!!! Boy writing all this down sure opens up a lot more questions which makes me even more anxious because I don’t have the answer and wouldn’t even know how to go about getting said answers, so this 1 year off might not be such a good idea for me….

    On a good note, Jeremy and I talked about taking up kayaking together so next week we are going to go shopping for some gear since we have several outdoor stores in our area.
    Now to just get through the coming week and Christmas and I feel like someone is choking me… 🙁


    Dee I think you have everything in you that you need to make a successful business out of photography. But it seems the motivation and passion are absent at the moment.

    Is this something you might be able to do along side of your son? Perhaps that angle might provide the motivation and excitement to energize you while he is away.

    Age will not be a factor for someone who owns their own business. Being 49 is a mature plus for customers, studies show it makes you appear more trustworthy. I say you go for it.



    I’m sorry for the difficulty you’re experiencing, and know how scary the blank potential can be. Sometimes when we have spent a long time with a constantly evolving task list, when we suddenly find ourselves without one, we don’t know what to do with ourselves. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that perhaps it is a little freaky to be meeting up with the unknown. There is a budding belief that you’re intelligent, artistic, and beautiful… but then you come upon that blank canvas and it inspires anxiety. “What if I paint wrong?” “What if I make a mistake?” “How could I really think I can transform this canvas into an expression?” This is normal, usual and part of growing up. I know it may seem strange, growing up in your 40s, but consider that now that you don’t have specific roles to identify with (mother, wife) it really is about you as a woman. So the son leaves, and the empty nest echoes with the aimlessness you’ve had as a woman outside of the roles.

    There are two approaches to the blank canvas of Dee. The first is to just start painting. Said differently.. you have a camera, and an eye, so pick it up and start clicking away. Then, just look through what you shoot until you find something that sings to your heart. When you see it, perhaps it will feel like a little bolt of visual umami, or a sparkle of emotion. You don’t have to plot or plan, just follow the threads of beauty and capture what you can.

    The other path is one of patience and self nurturing. You’ve been through some large changes, and instead of looking to the future and trying to figure out what it all means and who you are, consider intentionally being patient. The roles you’ve played have been on your shoulders for years and years, and you’re two months into redescovery and feeling impatient with yourself? Sheesh! Did you give a spanking to your kids for not learning the alphabet in one go? Did you become afraid they would never learn to read because they had a hard time with vowel sounds? So why beat yourself up over it taking a little time for your heart to blossom and lead you toward joy?

    So be patient, take the time to get to know what is beautiful in your eyes. What sparkles for you. What causes your emotions to well up, become inspired, become awake. When we know that, when we have a good sense of that, the unknown, blank potential doesn’t scare us anymore, because we carry the light inside us. The canvas is only a medium, and will always reflect, but never perfectly capture, that beauty inside us.

    With warmth,


    As always Matt, you know just what to say to make someone feel better about a situation or themselves! Thank you for that and Happy Holidays to all

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