thoughts on getting back the love of my life

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    hi everyone,

    in reading a bunch of these, i thought you were all so thoughtful, so i thought i might share my own situation to see if i can solicit some guidance.

    about a year ago, i met a wonderful man. well, we had actually worked together and spoken via phone and email, but never really gotten together til about a year ago. he confessed to me he had liked me for all that time, but had moved to NY and i was still in california, so it was tricky. but we ended up somehow seeing each other almost every month, and our love for each other grew. i had a boyfriend for most of that time, which i’m deeply ashamed of, but i felt that our love was undeniable, and it was purely emotional (which can sometimes be worse, i know), and i told myself that nothing could happen with us unless he moved to california. so then, he did.

    i was so torn about what to do – knowing that i was in love with NY guy, but knowing i loved my boyfriend and didn’t want to hurt him. i ended up trying to push the NY guy away because i’m a coward. after a few months, my pushing worked and he told me that i had said things to him – which i had apologized profusely for – that he couldn’t forgive me for, and he had to walk away. and that he needed space. but wanted to be friends, and didn’t know whether he thought he was closed off to the possibility of a relationship.

    for me, relationships include fighting. yes i tried to push him away, and i don’t want to justify that action, because it isn’t right, but i KNOW deep down we can work on it. our love is greater than that, and our highs were so high, though our lows were low, too.

    i guess what i’m asking is: what do i do? i reached out, but he doesn’t have much more to say? i want to show him a grand sweeping gesture of affection, but his love seems to have just been turned off like that. he is so cold and distant. do i stand a chance at all?

    M T

    I think you need to have your own space and tell him that you need to take some time for yourself to meditate and if he gets angry or refuses then tell him to respect your decision. If he doesn’t, he does not love you.

    Once you have that alone time, no matter how much you feel like contacting him, DO NOT. Meditate on how you feel about him and regard him as a human being, striving to find his own happiness in this world too. Ask yourself what you feel like doing and consider if your decision will bring you ‘happiness’ or ‘pleasure’? Is your decision ‘skillful’ or ‘unskillful’? (Google skillful action and unskillful action related to buddhism)

    Consider who makes you happier, your boyfriend or NY guy? If you made a decision to stick with your boyfriend, then let go of the NY guy even though you might hurt his feelings even more. If you decide you love the NY guy more and that he will make your life happier (not pleasure, happiness), then stick to it and do not harbor regret because you will end up suffering and making the NY guy suffer also.

    Meditate and withdraw into yourself, considering every single factor in the situation and broaden your understanding of what each person is experiencing, including your own feelings. Ask yourself what course of action will be the best for yourself and for that person.

    I hope this helps.


    This may sound counterintuitive, but I think you should be honest and transparent about your feelings and dilemma with both men. Life will sort itself out and you won’t be hiding anything.


    Im in the situation where i am the left one inthe same way, My partner of 20 years told me it was over she had moved on in persuit of her happiness. Sure our relationship had some issues as i see them they are all workable ones. In the past 6 months since the break up, i have been miserable. Trying to get my head on straight, finally i realize that, she has someone else or a group of someone elses. very much clouding up her mind. There is no way to reach to her inner spirit if this is happening. I asked thta she stop what she ws doing to take some time to go to counceling to see if our issues were workable at least there would be some kind of clousure.
    I asked this with very mindful intentions because closure is good for the soul in these situations. It is important to allow yourself and the 2 people u r involved with full disclousure. The hurt will be there for one or both, including u but from my recent experience it’s harder to understand when there is no full disclousure. Dont get me wrong finding your happiness is important but more important is that it is not at the expense of anothers heart. This is where i am in my sitUtion, her happiness comes in front of all else at this time. I am meditating on apeace for my self , i amnot ready to just let go of my ideas that our situation is workable and that, in no way when u feel like u r someones soul mate they, decide ” the gaps r too big between us ” etc. ideas after 20 years. be mindful to them and yourself.

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