falling in love with guys who only want sex

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    I recently have been seeing a guy on a casual basis. Basically we have seen each other three times in the last ten days.

    While I normally can detach myself from casual hook ups, I have found myself drawn to him in a way I haven’t experienced for awhile.

    The sex between us is completely amazing, intense and compatible. He showers me with compliments and makes me feel amazing and completely desirable.

    There is a beautiful intimacy and tenderness of kisses and cuddles throughout our time together as well. I have found myself falling for him although I have tried to play it cool. Its a passion I dont always experience during casual sex, somehow it’s become personal and he’s found a way into my heart and bewitch me!

    Despite my heart wanting more, he doesn’t feel the same, or at least he says he doesn’t want anything else beyond the sex. Yet I can’t help question how he can be so intimate with someone without having a genuine romantic interest. Why would he bother? Or is this something that some guys are capable of doing?

    I realise I need to stop seeing him but at the same time, I want to to ask him how he feels about it all. And make him see that he can unwittingly make people want to be more involved with him then he intended.

    I’ve told him I cant see him this weekend, so I can distance myself from him and clear my head. But I’m sure he’ll be in touch the following week.

    Can anyone help me understand this guy? Any advice please.


    (Trying to be strong and clear my head of him)


    Run and run away fast…. If he tells you who he is… That’s what he is….he is a playboy.

    Save yourself the heartbreak…. Trust me 18 months later I still can’t figure it out. And he tells me ” I told you from the start we can be no more than this” take it or leave it. I took it but now he is still in the same place emotionally, and I am of course so in love. And trust me since he has no emotional connection he will sleep with others.

    I never ever had the connection I had with G with anyone. It apparently didn’t matter to him . I was his “sexy friend” .

    Good luck my dear and walk away with the short memories and small heartbreak


    Thank you Cheri, you have told me how it is!

    Wow! I’m sorry to hear you were in a relationship with your ‘playboy’ for such a length of time!

    I forgot to mention he is from New Caledonia and has a sweet french accent! Lol! I think the accent somehow made him seem more sincere in a way.

    I have cried lots today to help myself get over him, and after reading your letter, I can feel myself getting the strength to do so. I think I needed to hear an opinion from a total stranger, and I thank you for your honesty and advice.


    Niceguy, you are welcome.

    Mine is Italian so I very much understand. They are so charming. But, remember they are getting all the benefits.

    It was funny I was reading yours and I swear we were talking of the same man. It has only been a week for me and it’s awful. I wish I had taken my own advice. I thought for sure he would “change” how could he not… The chemistry, the passion, the absolute energy of two people.

    I, like you, had always been able to detach from others . But, this one surprised even me.

    And be strong! He will try to minimize your feelings and what you know in your heart you deserve and what you want.

    Brandi Nicole

    I once had a friend with benefits for about 2 months, it was right after a break-up with a guy i was with for two years. I thought it was nice to be able to have all the fun without the pressure of a relationship. We made an agreement to only sleep with each other but how did i really know he was sticking to the agreement? Anyways long story short, after I found out he was trying to sleep with one of my co-workers, and he was also my co-worker, I decided enough was enough. Never mix business and pleasure!

    My advice to you would be walk away. Must men who say they only want sex, really mean what they say. I would not put myself though it. Even during the short time I was with my friend with benefits, I started to develop feelings for him. I guess you could say I started to like him even though I knew he was not the right guy for me.

    I think if you continue sleeping with him, you are only going to do more damage. I would state your feelings once more and see what he has to say, and if he didn’t feel the same way then you need to let it go before you cause yourself anymore emotional pain. I learned from that experience and no matter how lonely I am or how much I want to be with another man I will never have sex with him unless I truly care about him. I believe having casual sex with only end up making you feel worse about yourself in the long run, maybe that’s just me. I hope this helps 🙂

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Brandi Nicole.

    Why the need to force things? Just accept what he says and carry on as usual. in time things may change so you get closer, alternatively you may tire of him. I really don’t see the logic in throwing it all away and putting yourself through hurt, just out of the fear of being potentially hurt?


    In addition to the other heartfelt responses, I will add something that I hope will help you put this in another perspective.

    My husband and I have an aquaintance who is a swinger. He is an incredibly “nice guy,” handsome, friendly, open conversationalist, charming, giving, you name it. He also loves to make love to women, many, many, many women, in a way that you described. This seemed incomprehensible to me so I asked him how he can do this, what does this mean to him. He said he views sex the same as dancing. He sees someone he would like to dance with, he dances fully enjoying the dance, and then he moves on to dance with someone else. Sometimes he dances with same women but mostly with many others. And he said he loves this lifestyle and would not change it for anything.

    To most people sex is viewed much differently. It is an extention and expression of deep love between two people. When that level of intimacy occurs, you bear yourself so to say to another person and let them see inside of you, which you don’t do with just anyone. So when you engage with someone who views sex differently, it naturally “messes with your mind.” Rest assured that it is not personal, it is not you, it is nothing that you did, and you are not in any way undesirable or unattractive. It is just that he may view sex as a dance and you do not.

    When people come to me for advice about sex and relationships, I always tell them to take their time. To know someone takes longer than just a few days or a few weeks. Take the time to see if your views allign, if this is someone you want to share yourself with in such a deep way. Everyone is different but knowing yourself helps engage with others in ways that are healthy for you.

    I hope this brings you comfort and a little more knowledge.
    Much light and warmth to you,


    I was in a similar situation for about a year and a half. I convinced myself that because we were so good together in bed, it had to mean that he had the same feelings for me that I had for him. In hindsight I realize that he never lied to me, never led me on (besides having good sex with me) and was honest that all he was looking for was casual sex. I let myself believe that he didn’t know what he was talking about, that he was just scared of letting me know how he really felt. But the thing is – he did let me know how he really felt. Obviously sex meant different things to both of us and just because we were good in bed didn’t mean we were good anywhere else.

    My advice is to move on. Do whatever you have to do to get over him. If you don’t this will go on because what reason does he have to stop seeing you? He’s getting exactly what he wants so why would he be the one to put an end to it?

    I’m happy to say that about a month after I let this guy out of my life for good I met the most wonderful man who I’ve been with for going on 4 years. You have to be willing to let go of what’s not working to be able to get what you really want.

    Good luck!


    To reiterate the points made by other posters. i do believe that he is being genuine in what he says his intentions are. There are just some people who have a tendency to avoid intimacy and believe it or not do that by having sex with lots of people or trying to objectify the relationship to avoid that intimacy.

    If you enjoy the liaisons then by all means keep doing what you enjoy. But if you have an idea in your mind that you are hoping for some sort of different future than what you have then do not fool yourself. He is getting exactly what he envisions and you are settling for a vision you may not want and a hope for a future that won’t be realized with him. Not a good deal for you.

    Just like guys who are often mostly after sex have fears of intimacy I think they attract mates who sometimes are on the other end of the spectrum (afraid of not having intimacy). The two seem to attract each other but are rarely that great a fit for each other.

    if you are interested there is a fantastic book that opened my eyes: http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 and it will help anyone interested in why they fall for the wrong people, may find themselves in a pattern of unsatisfying relationships and how to course correct and find the right person that will give them the greatest amount of satisfaction.

    Best of luck to you, please don’t settle for less than you deserve.

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