Recently there have been so many changes going on in my life that I just thought I would share what I have learned from going through everything.

I have been blindsided in a breakup where I thought there was long term potential and hope. I have lost contact with several friends. I have watched one side of my family fall apart due to an alcoholic uncle while two sides go to war with one another, and the holidays this year are going to be drastically thinned down. I have watched many new friends in college, which I have just started, already begin to succumb to stress and disappointment, leaving me to wonder if there’s something I’m missing- I have felt detached from the norm, not struggling financially and not needing to be in a group to feel like I belong, just feeling okay with doing my own thing rather than ‘fitting in’ and being a part of everything. I want to be a part of a few things, but I enjoy to have a mixture of activity and alone time.

Despite all of these things and feeling like so much has been slipping away, I am in a very good mood and a very good place. From the breakup I have learned to love myself more and not lower my standards- and that it is okay to still give love and trust to others, even if they may break it, because I’ll find the good people that way. I don’t have to let pain make my heart hard. I have learned it is okay to be angry for a little while, and I am justified in doing what is best for my emotional health. From my adjustment disorder with college I have learned it’s okay to feel like I’m different from the others because, well, I am different. And that’s okay. As long as I’m happy and can make others happy, I don’t need to worry about fitting in. I can appreciate what I have without feeling bad about it. From my family drama, I still have the family that loves me and supports me through everything. We’re even going to buy a real tree this year for the holidays- something we have never done.

There is a lot for me to be happy about, and a little over a week ago I just made the decision to put myself first. I have decided to really focus on managing my anxiety- we will not complain, because I’ll either do something about it, or I have no right to complain. And this has fundamentally changed me. I haven’t stressed over the future or future projects in days, and it’s been like a miracle, not worrying over presentations next month. I get my homework done a week ahead of time and am still preparing for things but I will not let myself try to predict the outcomes anymore, and so what if I’m not the best speaker? I’m a great writer and a caring friend and a creative artist, there’s so much more to me than that. And apparently I’m decent at speaking, even if I don’t think I am.

Today I’m getting a new haircut because whenever I feel like I’ve grown I like to switch up my appearance. I’m taking better care of my physical, emotional and mental health, all at once. I’ve made a very close friend at college. I have all A’s, even if my classes for now aren’t the most difficult. I am on track for my major in the Biological Sciences. There’s so much more to learn about myself, and it’s high time I got engaged with my hobbies and interests again. No more ‘self improvement’ plans. I am perfectly imperfect as I am. I make mistakes, but now I know to learn from them and move on, not to beat myself up over them. And whether I find new love in the future or not no longer matters- I deserve the love I give so freely to other people, and if I happen to run into a good man, so be it. But no more holding my life back waiting for that person. I can live solo and need to learn to be happy on my own more than anything else- I thought I understood this already, but perhaps I still have a small ways to go yet.

I feel like I am going through a transformation for the better. I don’t know where it will lead just yet but I have a feeling there are plenty of doors opening for me, and all it will take is the courage to choose and to keep going step by step every day. This time of the year is my favorite: “The trees are about to show us how beautiful it is to let go of dead things.”

Too true. <3