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Why am I so hard to love?

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  • October 3, 2021 at 9:59 am #386984
    Charity
    Participant

    Growing up I lived in a very religious house, home schooled and my Mom is a narcissist (not diagnosed because she would never go to the doctor but has most of the traits.)

    I had three kids together with my first husband. My oldest I had by surprise. My second two I had because my ex husband at the time would have sex with me even when I would beg him not too. He would laugh after and think it was funny. We were married for 12 years before I finally got the courage to divorce him. I had no support from any of my family. I spent 12 years begging him to respect me and love me and be honest with me but he could never do that. My emotions were funny to him.

    I remarried in 2019. I felt like he was the best man in the world and could never hurt me like my ex. He’s never taken advantage of me physically. With him it’s just been me telling him that one thing really bothers me that he does. He has a friend and this friend is never invited over here. I’ve asked him to invite him over but he always has an excuse. The biggest excuse is that he doesn’t want to spend his weekends with him because he just wants the weekends with me and the kids. It’s been a year of him saying this to me. I try to believe it but as soon as his friend will ask him to do something outside of the house (just the two of them) he is quick to say yes. He always says he doesn’t want to hurt his friends feelings hurt saying no. Each and every time this happens I pull away. I’ve always wanted him to make friends here (he moved here from Canada) but the fact that he doesn’t want me around his friend brings up every insecurity of my past. It makes me feel worthless and like something is wrong with me. This weekend I’ve pulled away again because the level of hurt I feel is too deep and I can’t just give myself to him over and over and forgive when I know it will happen again. Each time he says that he understands why this hurts me and it won’t happen again and he will invite his friend over but he never does. I don’t trust him. I feel hard to love. I feel worthless. I feel like I’ll never be with anyone that can love me and respect me the way I believe a wife should be. Am I being dumb? What is so wrong with me?

    October 3, 2021 at 11:46 am #386994
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charity:

    Congratulations for divorcing your abusive husband!

    I don’t know why your current husband has been refusing to invite his male friend to the house he shares with you and your kids. Do you have any information about your husband’s friendship history with this male friend?

    ” I don’t trust him. I feel hard to love. I feel worthless. I feel like I’ll never be with anyone that can love me and respect me the way I believe a wife should be. Am I being dumb? What is so wrong with me?“-

    -I am so sorry that you feel all these things: mistrust, worthlessness, hopelessness, doubt.. You ask what is so wrong with you.. – anyone feeling worthless and hopeless feels very wrong. You are welcome to share here more about your feelings and anything else that comes to your mind, and I will read and reply further.

    anita

     

    October 3, 2021 at 12:35 pm #387000
    Charity
    Participant

    I honestly don’t know. He says that it isn’t me. He said he just gets nervous asking anyone over but he has no problem hanging out without me. My ex husband used to always have a life away from me. I never really knew everything about him because he was so secretive. Every time this happens with my current husband it brings back all the same feelings. Like, what is wrong with me that I attract men that do not want me apart of all of their life. My husband says he does but his actions show something else.
    Before I married my first husband I dated a man that was a closet gay. He never wanted me to get close to him, but he loved having me to show off as his girlfriend. My second boyfriend I believe liked men as well but he was also closeted. I don’t believe my husband is gay but it always brings up so many old feelings from past relationships that I’ve had. It brings out every insecurity.
    He says he wants me to trust him and that he trusts me 100% but I struggle to do that when I just keep asking myself when will this happen again. I just began to let my guard down with my husband since the last time he did this. When his friend was going through a hard time I said he’s welcome to come here and he just kept telling me that he doesn’t want him too and he wants his weekends with me. Then Friday I get a call at work from my husband, being so sweet saying he loves me. For a second I felt special then he says, he won tickets to a game and him and his friend wanted to go. I said cool but as soon as I hung up I felt sick. Like really? Again? Then I tell him it upset me and how this brings up everything again. He knew I was hurt. He said he didn’t want to tell his friend no and upset him. Yet he was ok to upset me. How do I move on? How do I trust him? Why is it so easy to hurt me but not friends?

    October 3, 2021 at 1:20 pm #387004
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charity:

    I am trying to understand his motivation to not bring his friend home to you knowing that it upsets you that he doesn’t. I wonder if he has other friends and if he brought any of them home to meet you… or if he introduced you elsewhere to any other friend. It is possible that he is socially awkward, as in feeling uncomfortable to interact with more than one person at a time?

    anita

    October 3, 2021 at 1:26 pm #387005
    Charity
    Participant

    He doesn’t have any other close friends here. He moved here several years ago to be with me. I’ve always encouraged him to get to know people because I’ve wanted him to have friends here. It just throws me off the way it’s been.

    October 3, 2021 at 1:48 pm #387007
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charity:

    Maybe he is socially awkward.. good at 1-to-one interactions but uncomfortable in a group, and so he avoids a “group” such as you, his friend, and himself, all three at one place at one time. Can it be?

    I will be back to the computer tomorrow morning, in about 16 hours from now. Please feel free to add anything that may be relevant to the topic and I will reply to you further when I am back.

    anita

    October 4, 2021 at 4:59 am #387038
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Charity,

    I don’t know why exactly your husband doesn’t want to invite his friend to your house. There can be a number of reasons, maybe even that his friend is a womanizer and that’s why he wants to keep him away from you. Or he might be using bad language or makes inappropriate comments, or something like that. So the reason might be that he doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of you for having such a dumb or impolite friend… who knows. The problem is that you immediately jump into conclusions that there is something wrong with you:

    I feel hard to love. I feel worthless. I feel like I’ll never be with anyone that can love me and respect me the way I believe a wife should be. Am I being dumb? What is so wrong with me?

    The reason for this is I believe your childhood wound. This is from your previous thread:

    Because I am pro-choice and support gay marriage and people living their lives the way they want my brother and his wife have said they do not want me around them or their children. It’s been over a year (almost two years) since I have had any contact with them. I feel like I should have healed and accepted this by now, yet my daily thoughts always go back to their rejection. Almost like I cannot allow myself to be happy until I am accepted by them. None of it makes sense to me though. I love them but every time I was around them I was the butt of the jokes. I always left in tears and feeling less than because my brother loved to make fun of me so much. I am constantly telling myself that this is the week I focus on being happy and finding joy in my life yet my thoughts always go back to the rejection and the raw pain I still feel.

    You feel rejected by your family, believing there is something wrong with you. And now you feel rejected by your husband too.

    You said about your ex husband:

    I spent 12 years begging him to respect me and love me and be honest with me but he could never do that. My emotions were funny to him.

    Again, you were begging him to respect you and couldn’t leave him for 12 years, and I think it’s because a part of you believed you don’t deserve respect.

    So I believe you’d need to work on healing that wound – of being undeserving of love and less than.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tee.
    October 13, 2021 at 8:04 pm #387329
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charity:

    I hope that you are not “so hard to love”,  and I would like to read more from you. How are you?

    anita

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