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Why am I so insecure?

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  • September 27, 2017 at 6:59 am #170535
    Amy
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I need some advice.  Im currently with a guy I have been dating for about 15 months.  Hes much younger then me, like 20 years.  But we have this amazing connection.  Most of the time our time together is great, Im really happy and feel safe and secure.  The other times I feel insecure when Im not with him, suspicious, jealous of his time with others and just plain panicky.  I know I do have some past issues of my own and have done therapy and such.  He has cheated on me once, six months after dating, and i have tried to forgive and forget.  He says it was a mistake and he did it because I wasnt listening to him.  When I need reassurance from him he gets annoyed with me, and tells me he cant give me security.  Also, he cant say he loves me.  He was married and got divorced a few years ago and seems to be afraid of the L word.  When we have argued he has said he does, to pacify me but cant express it to me ever and I feel like I should hear it every so often if he feels that way.  Am I wasting my time with this guy?  He thanks me for having a patient heart etc. but alot of the time I just feel manipulated.  I dont know if my past issues are clouding my judgement or if this guy is hopeless.  My one friend told me last night, he knows he has me right where he wants and if he cant say I love you then he doesnt.  I feel like through his actions though he does.  I dont know.  Just feeling very confused and insecure about the relationship and dont know if its something I should fight for or let go.

    Thanks all!!!!

    September 27, 2017 at 9:23 am #170603
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amy:

    Regarding him not telling you “I love you”- it is so easy to say these words, to utter them, takes a couple of seconds and burns 0.05 calories. Easy. How many people say these words because they are so easy and they bring about desired results, but not because they mean it? I don’t have the answer but many, I am thinking.

    On the other hand, actions are more difficult to bring about, take more time than a couple of seconds and more effort. And so, if  you “feel like (he loves you) through his actions though”, that is more telling than the words.

    And I agree with your boyfriend when he tells you that he can’t give you security. As to why you are so insecure (the title of your thread)- the answers being in those “past issues” you mentioned, aren’t they?

    anita

    September 27, 2017 at 5:22 pm #170683
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Amy,

    In all relationships, we all have basic needs, and unfortunately, you are not getting these needs met. We need to have some one listen to us without getting annoyed. I feel this is disrespectful. After 15 months, we need to be told we are loved and cared for as well as shown this. He has done neither. A relationship cannot survive without this.We should feel trust, validated and secure in a relationship and he is dismissive of you. No one should be made to feel manipulated. You are investing 100 percent in this, him 0 percent. Let me know your thoughts.

    October 4, 2017 at 8:32 pm #171647
    dreaming715
    Participant

    You mentioned that he’s “afraid of the ‘L’ word,” he had cheated on you in the past, and you often feel manipulated. Man, I’d feel insecure too! Relationships can be challenging, but in my opinion they should be the “good” kind of challenging. Like “I love you but I’m learning to be more patient because you have a habit of being late that you’re taking active measures to resolve.” You know what I mean? He seems to be challenging you, but they appear to be in disrespectful and destructive ways and I believe you deserve to be treated better than that.

    October 19, 2017 at 5:38 pm #173921
    Amy
    Participant

    Eliana,

    Yes what you said makes perfect sense.  Thank you very much.  Again tonight I’m dealing with an issue because I made a comment to him about when he went to the dentist to get his cleaning and said the hygienist is probably cute and blah blah…..I sometimes catch myself saying these things to get him to “reassure” me and it doesnt work, he just gets more pissed and then will put up the walls,…ignore me and the patterns begins all over again.  So yesterday and today he works 12hrs shifts ..  I didnt hear from him except a huh? this am after I made the stupid comment then when he was about to go into work I said I guess you are still mad and will stay mad…and tried to explain myself.  He said hes sick of my “antics”  , I told him it mostly means I need his reassurance he said he would be hes running late for work.  Also I told him he has not asked about my well being since I just had labs redrawn because I found out Im severely anemic and my blood and iron levels are way low.  Its like, why do I continue to stay if he does not care of cant say he loves me?  Other times I can tell because hes so warm and affectionate, tender during love making, etc.  but if I have a bad day he says “oh I thought u were working on your issues”???  Like, he has issues too!  GRR….so frustrating.  So I blew up his phone, sent some texts saying I wont be around this weekend….and will ignore him like he does me.  But I wont, I end up giving in.  I feel I maybe do deserve better.  Sometimes he drives me so crazy mad and other times he makes me so happy.  Its so hard to let go ….

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