Hi Jonymm,

I’m sorry this happened to you. That was a punch in the gut!! The lesson, I suppose, is never to take anything for granted and that the chickens always come home to roost. When someone suddenly breaks up with us, they’ve usually been breaking up, moving on, and planning it for months. And then they spring it on us which is NOT fair!!

Next time, don’t buy a house with someone unless you’re married, and don’t live with them and raise their kids unless you are just that. The poor kids!! They, too, have lost someone they love (you!!) and now have no father figure.

Sell the house. If you can’t, at least totally rearrange the furniture. And get new furniture while you’re at it (if you can). Replace the mattress first!! Energetically, our bedding can be one hot mess.

Best,

Inky

Dear Jonny:

Five months since the breakup… has it been 5 months since she cut all contact with you? If not when did she cut all contact with you and how long after the breakup?

I don’t think there is a reason to examine the relationship that was at this point because you are very distressed. Of course there are the usual coping skills and strategies: from aerobic exercise to slow moving practices like relaxing yoga and Tai Chi, there is the long walks in nature (if you have nature where you are, parks will do), to guided meditation, the slowly advancing practice of mindfulness… and there are self help support groups, psychotherapy…

anita

Hi Jonny

I’m sorry to hear about your situation at present. I am two months into a break up with my ex which sounds very similar to your own situation. Things had been great at first and really thought I had found my soul mate, however her behaviour would flip at times and become extremely abusive. I put this down to the fact she had disclosed that she had been sexually abused as a child and not told anyone or talked about it before. I find out she had fallen pregnant yet this push and pull behaviour continued throughout, one minute she loved me the next she hated me.

Anyway, to cut a long story short I got her to see a doctor as I had concerns she may have Borderline Personality disorder, I work as a psychologist within a clinical setting so know the hallmarks only too well. Her behaviour became increasingly erratic after the birth of our son. One day she came home with a tattoo with my name incorporated, two days later she told me she hadn’t loved my for a long time, I’d let myself go and she wished our son was her ex partners not mine. I went to work the following day and on my return I tried to reason with her, talk her down and get her to think about the implications of her actions. In a moment of temper she lost it and tried to push a pint glass towards my face, I blocked it but unfortunately she completely severed the tendons in my hand and left me whilst I was in theatre the following day.

I have lost all contact with her as she sent me an email whilst in hospital demanding child support, when I said I would organise it once I got home she called me a vile, disgusting man and said she hoped I rot in hell. I haven’t heard from her in over two months and have no contact with my son at all as she has blocked all lines of communication and moved away.
It’s been a terrible ordeal so I can completely understand your position and situation. My advice to you would be try to stay in the now, I spent week ruminating and analysing conversations, situations I could have changed.

The truth is we can’t really change a person’s behaviour unless they realise they want to change themselves. It sometimes hurts more when we don’t have full closure, why someone can suddenly change and show no empathy, no remorse. The difficulty is learning to free your thoughts from the constant voice inside your head, reminding you of the good times, reminding you of what you’ve lost.
I am by no means over my situation, I am still off work and I have had to deal with all of this in our family home, alone and off work for a long period of time with little to do but worry, over think and analyse the situation. I am finding this is easing though as I try to focus on the negative aspects of the relationship. We all make mistakes and we can all look back and think we could have done things differently, but worrying and ruminating serves no purpose other than to maintain the negative cycle we end up trapped in.

My advice would be to try and accept that this wasn’t the right person for you, her behaviour shows you that no matter she was dealing with from her past she could give you the future you wanted. Make a list of objectives, I found this helped. I re-decorated the home to my taste and to clear those memory triggers, I set time aside to mediate and be mindful of my situation and reassured myself that I had a life before her and I will have a life again when I am back on my feet. I think most importantly though I am starting to let go of the anger which is not healthy or helpful, it just fuels the cycle of rumination. I hope to see my son again one day but I know that I need to heal first and I need to resolve the inner pain and turmoil she has caused me, it’s a cliché but like they say, time is the greatest healer but try to find peace in the knowledge that life changes when we least expect it to but it works both ways, your dark times will end and it will happen when you least expect it to. One day when you have happiness again you will look back and not feel the same sense of loss you do know.

I hope things work out for you and remember, you don’t lose what’s meant to be yours.
Regards
Ashley

Dear Jonnym:

In a relationship is it better to lead or to be lead? And what does it mean to always lead, what does it require of you, to always lead?

anita

Dear Jonnym:

You mentioned in your original post being the “typical alpha male” – I think I understand how that way about you came about. To move forward with things, you applied a strong will power, a kind of Strength, and it worked often enough.

I was pondering the concept of Strength recently: what it means. I think everyone values strength, and so do I. There are different kinds of strength: one is very uptight, allows no deviations, has to be my-way-or-the-highway, has to be you-are-for-me-or-against me on every topic. And there is another kind of strength, a relaxed kind of strength.

You mentioned turning the clock back: sure you can’t but it doesn’t mean all you can be is a lesson to others. You are still alive and young enough. There is still life to live and it can be in the context of a relationship. Thing to remember, is that as you figure out how you went wrong in a particular relationship, the way the relationship turned out to be is still only 50% your responsibility. The fact you were imperfect does not mean she was perfect.

Please do post again, anytime!

anita

Dear Jonnym:

You are welcome. I suppose the next woman you will choose will be one who is enough of a leader, not too much. Definitely not a very passive woman who will look up to you for direction. You know the kind of woman and relationship that will be right for you.
And a Win-Win relationship at every step of the way.
anita