Dear Jonnym:

I get you are very regretful, and in pain for what you lost, for what was there and what could have been. You are hurting, this is obvious. A “bitter pill to swallow” – regret, If-only-I did this or didn’t do that or … if only. Do you want to look more or deeper into what was (I have a question or two)- or do you think there is nothing useful to learn anymore?

anita

Dear Jonnym:

I was wondering earlier, about the therapy she attended while in relationship with you, the one you thought was about her bad childhood… how long after you met did she start it? How often were the sessions? How long did it last before she decided to leave you?

Do you know anything about that therapy she had: did she share anything with you about the sessions? Were there any changes about her from the start of that therapy?

anita

Dear Jonnym:

So it was quick, following only a handful of sessions or so, four months, maybe 8 sessions? You and she did not discuss those sessions. You noticed she was quieter. You were focused on home renovations at the time and assumed if you made the house comfortable for her, that would make her happy.

You know some things about her childhood. What do you know about her childhood?

anita

Dear Jonnym:

I often say, the place where we live, our home, is in those few inches in between our ears: this is where all those thoughts and feelings are happening. So as you were preparing a lovely home for you all, you neglected to inquire about her in-between-the-ears-home, aka her “complicated head”. Yes, that was a mistake. Of course, it is easier to reconstruct a house than to reconstruct one’s brain (and it is impossible to reconstruct another brain), but at the least, I suppose, you should have inquired.

But the fact that following her childhood, she had a terrible marriage herself and the men in her life letting her down, that is not a reason for optimism about your relationship with her either.

Learn about that home in between the ears of the next woman then?

anita

Dear Jonnym:

Thank you for the “very well put.” What’s next for you now?
anita

Dear Jonnym:

You need to concentrate on the good times you had with her. You need to heal and readjust to your new situation. If writing here can help these goals, please do write. I wish you healing and well being.

anita

dear jonnym

Oh, I didn’t know you still had hope for that relationship. I missed it somehow.
anita

dear Jonnym:

Something else that I missed, the recrimination and the bitterness: hers? yours? Both? Tell me more about yours, about the bitterness and recrimination she expressed…?

anita