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Why do I still (occasionally) feel the need to nag certain topics?

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • June 29, 2016 at 10:29 am #108490
    HippieChick
    Participant

    It doesn’t happen all the time. And I am to the point in a 2.5 year relationship where I trust my boyfriend. We’ve had all the major discussions about what we’re comfortable with as far as honesty, loyalty, etc. We’ve discussed what we expect from each other as far as interactions with members of the opposite sex and we’ve discussed what constitutes cheating. He’s been 100% faithful and we share values in that regard. Yet….I still occasionally feel like I need to reiterate stupid little things like “if you ‘sext’ another woman that’s cheating to me” or “I’m not comfortable with you drinking with your buddies until you’re drunk because mistakes can be made in a second” even if he has no plans of even talking to his friends. It’s like I subconsciously think that if I don’t say it occasionally he’ll “forget” or think I’m ok with it. Which is dumb because he’s specifically said he doesn’t do those things. As far as I know he’s never done those things in ANY relationship he’s ever had. He’s just not THAT guy. As you can imagine, when I randomly work those things into an innocent conversation about bars or texting friends or whatever it hurts his feelings or makes him a little angry (rightly so).

    This has improved a TON since I’ve been working on my own self esteem. But any insight into a way to make the urge to do it go away would be appreciated. I’m smart enough to know that it is not going to make him NOT if he was going to and I absolutely do not want to damage our relationship.

    June 29, 2016 at 1:58 pm #108526
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear HippieChick:

    I know very well these kinds of urges, all to well. I know the draw to … once again ask it, once again state it, and that calmed it for a while, if I was lucky, but soon enough, here is that urge again and it wants to be verbalized, pushing through those vocal chords: say it! Say it!

    At least this is how it has been for me.

    This is why I am putting this in past tense: the urges are not even close to how strong they were, most often I don’t think I experience those anymore.

    The way I did it was to exercise force- not say it no matter what. It was like stopping a moving car by pushing in the opposite direction. Doing that, I learned that when I am very adamant about not saying it, when I give myself no permission to say it, no matter what, the urge calms, as if it says to itself: what’s the point of pushing, she is not opening the door (mouth, really).

    So I stopped blocking the urge but giving in to “just this time, and “it makes sense to say it in this case because…I blocked the urge no matter what. No negotiations.

    anita

    June 29, 2016 at 5:17 pm #108532
    HippieChick
    Participant

    “Once again ask it, once again state it, and that calmed it for a while, if I was lucky, but soon enough, here is that urge again and it wants to be verbalized, pushing through those vocal chords: say it! Say it!”

    This is a PERFECT description of what I feel. All the way down to the calm of being “reassured” for a short while. But the payoff of having to argue or harm my relationship by making him think I don’t trust him or question his integrity is just no longer worth it. I’ve basically been just refusing to ask or say it…like you describe. It’s not easy but I have hope that it’ll get easier. It makes me feel a little better to hear that I’m not the only person who has the urge to do this.

    Thanks so much for your insight!

    June 29, 2016 at 7:27 pm #108535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear HippieChick:

    You are welcome. I agree with you completely: it is not easy, but heck, the price of not doing it is misery, the ending of a good relationship that took time to build. So resist this Urge- it is like an itch that needs to be scratched- temporary relief but then redness and bleeding. Better put aloe Vera on it- that would be something like taking a walk or a hot bath when the urge strikes hard. And you will feel better after the walk or hot bath.

    Oh, and it does get easier. Give it few good months of resisting before you expect it to get easier.

    anita

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