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July 29, 2017 at 7:02 am #160894
AnonymousInactiveThis is a long read, but I hope some of you can relate to this and/ or help me out with how to deal with this situation which has more or less put me in a huge emotional mess I cant seem to get out of.
I recently made a friend and everything seemed great initially, but 15 months into this friendship everything seems to have fallen apart. With one person moving on and the other (me) stuck mentally, emotionally, suffering, everyday.
Let me set the context, and give you a little about myself first, and how it all began:
I moved to this country a couple of years ago as suggested by a sibling (my sister). I moved after a few months of losing my dad to a heart attack. He was the only parent I had, and living alone was getting to me so thought staying closer to siblings makes sense. I had lost mom to cancer a few years ago and since then most of my family (my brother & sister) had become what seemed like detached or just went on to live their individual lives. Other than losing mom, my family had huge financial debts and there wasn’t much room for emotions since we had bigger worries, how to put food on the table. Both my siblings were/ are married and pretty much settled with their spouses living happily. I lived with dad for a couple of years and grew very close to him, losing him has been the worst thing ever. For days i felt abandoned and alone. I did seek companionship from friends, it helped. I drank a lot of alcohol, sometimes consumed drugs as a way to fill up the void that had been created after dad left. I don’t know if it helped, but even after moving to this country, Id cry in the shower sometimes, in the cab, because I would miss him, I would miss my friends and feel low in general.
I lived with my sister and her husband for a year here and it had been nice but I did not feel at home much ever. I had no friends and lived my life on my own most of my time being alone in my room, watching Netflix or listening to music. I’d skip dinners or not go out much with my sis and her partner, thinking id let them have their privacy. Occasional dinner or lunch would happen and that would be nice.
After almost a year of not having any friends, or not having many people to talk to physically, I made a friend here. Someone I knew on an internet forum. We had been chatting informally for a bit but did not know much about each other. We met for a drink and it went really well or like they say we clicked. So we decided to meet again 2 days later. And then meeting became very frequent for the next few months.
(Please note that this wasn’t a date. I was committed to another person whom I eventually got married to earlier last year. And this worked well because this friend had just gotten out of a bad relationship and did not want that sort of a thing. And we never flirted it was purely platonic.)
So we met almost every day over the next few months. Sometimes for coffee, lunch or even a drink after work other times. We talked for hours, sometimes all night. I remember a couple of times going to sleep while having her on the call. I grew happier and happier and felt complete. So did she, for a bit it felt like we did not really need anything or anyone else. We got addicted to texting each other all the time. We basically got close to each other fully under the pretext that this cannot possibly lead to anything. And it did not because that was never the intention. I wasn’t particularly attracted to this person, and it was clear to her all along that I was in love with another girl.
She took a vacation with family for 3 weeks last year when things were fine, and even then she kept in touch by calling or texting every 2 days or so. She would share photos from the places she would visit. She even had a little friendship with another guy at the time, and it would make me very insecure that I would lose her to him, but because he was gonna move they never dated. Though they remained in touch, and still are friends, maybe now even better than she and I were, but that’s none of my business.
She came back from vacation, and things seemed okay, we still met regularly, talked a lot. And a few months later I took a vacation – at the time I wanted to bring my girl friend who I had dated for almost 8years to come live in with me. I took a vacation and went back to my home country where I met my girl friends parents and we got married. It was a last minute thing and a very private ceremony. Most of my friends did not know until the next day when we officially told everyone.
When I returned it wasn’t easy for me to balance between her and my friend initially so naturally we spoke less. There would be times when i would give the friend priority over my girl(now wife). My wife would be patient and understanding as I had mentioned to her about this friend and how she has become someone close, and dear to me. But somewhere something changed. It started with my friend mentioning that she wants to back off a little, and she did. Backing off would mean she would text less, or not tell me what she was up to, who she was meeting, unless it was a part of the conversation. I mean, if we are texting then she would tell me she is about to meet a friend, but if we were not texting she would never mention anything. Our meeting reduced, partly because my work place shifted and it wasn’t very convenient for either of us to meet that often. These things did not go too well with me, I started raising issues about how we are not talking that often or meeting even, how she no longer talks to me as much. Sometimes, her replies would be cold, one worded, as if she wasn’t too interested. And when I would bring it up she’d say it is not an indication of us losing touch or not being close. Then she would go on to say that is how she is. When we once spoke about how she has stopped putting in any effort toward this friendship, she pretty much shut me off with if she has to put in effort in friendship it isn’t worth it, and for her, it is important to be accepted for how she is, and she cannot put in effort, not unless it is romantic. So basically, in a friendship she meant, it is her way or the highway. This is the same person who used to text me all the time, care about me, ask me about my life. Now she no longer cared.
In the one year that I have known her, she has never once really said the words I do care. When id ask or taunt her that she doesn’t care, she would say after all this if you still think I don’t care, Im not gonna do anything to show you that I do. I still kept trying to be there but this person who used to be affectionate, caring and all that slowly and steadily became less and less of all that. Her text replies would be cold single words, while earlier she would have whole long conversations with me now she would just not reply for hours.
Our arguments grew, sometimes because of me, sometimes it was her, but overall, it was mostly me.
By this time, she had pretty much withdrawn a lot more, it was more like I was texting her and she would reply, maybe if I don’t text her for a day or so she would send me a very cold “hey”, I call this cold because it used to be a “Hi
July 29, 2017 at 7:23 am #160904AnonymousInactiveContinued (since only half was posted after Mod approval)
By this time, she had pretty much withdrawn a lot more, it was more like I was texting her and she would reply, maybe if I don’t text her for a day or so she would send me a very cold “hey”, I call this cold because it used to be a “Hi :)”
Me being me couldn’t help my insecurity of losing her so I kept bringing up things about how she is distancing away and not bothered at all about us, and she kept denying it. She would say my idea of friendship is different than hers. For Her, as she would say even if we don’t talk everyday we will always remain close friends. But having said that, she would never text or call and it would always be me reaching out. I also get the feeling she’s not this way with her other friends. She would make moves if she wants. I know for sure she meets that guy I spoke about earlier often, she meets others too, but if I ask it is yeah sure, but she never brings it up again.
Our arguments grew more and more, texting became less frequent. She recently went on vacation and did not text or call after she returned. By this time, I knew things had gone pretty sour. I was not gonna be able to revive this, I still tried, but texts would end up leaving me more and more hurt. Her replies, her attitude towards me, all of it together would leave me feeling like Im a loser who still wants her attention. I probably am. She has never told me not to text or call her though, she would say if you need to talk, im right here, she would say this always, but she would herself never call or text. I know shes unemotional, and an introvert, she’d say she is fine with not having friends, she doesn’t need them. To her, I was only someone she enjoyed talking to me, for me, she was my closest friend, someone I deeply cared about, someone I met when there was nobody else.
In my last conversation, I simply asked her if all this her backing out is because of the complications that I have created for her being this way with me. And she confirmed that it was partly because of that. I asked her why she did not text me for so long when she had the time to meet others, post stuff on social media and her reply was it was never about the time, but it is about the want. She means she did not want to. Ouch!
All I ever wanted was to keep this person in my life, talk to her now and then, have her talk to me when she can. Why is it so much to ask for? I never wanted her to be ONLY mine forever, as long as she tells me about her life, considers me close and listens to my stories, I was okay.
I’ve left it all now and decided I won’t make any more moves because it clearly seems like this friendship did not mean much to this person. We haven’t spoken in 3 weeks, no texts either. She has pretty much moved on while I am still stuck here missing her. I stalk her social media profiles sometimes and my stomach twitches. When I see her updates, for the next 10 minutes a barrage of thoughts rush through my head, I lose focus and get entangled on why this way! What did I do wrong! I get scared to msg her because she might reply something unemotionally and I might take it as another sign that she probably just hates me for being over possessive needy and what not.
My mind is always racing with thoughts about what went wrong, how this person could simply cut me off so easily and why it is so difficult for me to move on. Have I been such a bad person to her that she doesn’t even feel like calling and checking if I’m even alive? I know for a fact she probably doesn’t even think about me the way I do about her. I’ve now cut off my social media usage, as a way to get over this but it hasn’t helped much.
I started breathing concentration meditation last week, it seems to help me a bit but those thoughts always come back.
My wife, who has seen all of this has been a pillar of support even though she has had her moments and felt anger toward me giving myself so much to another person and now being so affected when that person is no longer around. But she has been patient, and watched everything given her two cents, and left the decision to me.
If you’re still reading this, a big thank you, clearly I have issues moving on, clearly as my wife puts it, I have no self respect, and care too much about someone who probably doesn’t even care if I exist anymore.
July 29, 2017 at 9:49 am #160948AnonymousGuestDear Sushant:
You feel and have felt for a long time an intense emotional attachment to this friend. My understanding of your attachment to her is that it far exceeds a definition of “friend”. I think your expectations of her far exceed that of a friend, especially considering you are a married man.
You wrote: “for me, she was my closest friend, someone I deeply cared about, someone I met when there was nobody else”- but now you do have someone else. You have a wife. Your focus though, your intense attachment is to this other woman.
My point is not at all to criticize what you feel, this attachment, to suggest that you shouldn’t feel what you feel. My point is to suggest to you that you examine this attachment that you have to this woman: what is fueling it and why to her?
You mentioned that you lost your mother, then your father, and that you are not close to your siblings (not in these words), and I am assuming that you are not very close to your wife. So, loss and lack of attachment has been your situation for some time.
What is it about this woman, why her? Looking forward to read more of your thoughts and feelings.
anita
July 29, 2017 at 9:50 am #160952AnonymousGuest* didn’t submit correctly…
July 29, 2017 at 11:50 am #160976AnonymousInactiveHi Anita
Thanks for reading, and replying.
To answer your questions, as a family my siblings all of us have been close, however I dont have the emotional connect with them anymore because we are all older now, and theyre married. I might be seen as weak and emotional if I open up about how lonely I have felt without dad. So i bottled up and kept my feelings to myself mostly. I am very close to my wife, we have been together for years before getting married, spoken everyday. This friendship has even tested the waters there in a way that she could not believe how much i have got attached to this friend in such short time, but because I know i love my wife, she loves me, it has never gone beyond a few arguments and she has let me take my time. Besides, she is very understanding and has had a similar experience herself and i have been very open and honest about what I am going through.
About this woman, to begin with, it was never the “normal” kind of friendship, i mean, people dont talk so much – or text day in and out, so I cannot categorize it as a normal friendship. We never stopped each other, or ourselves because we knew at the back of our mind that we are not trying to take this anywhere, but keep it as a friendship. There was never really a conversation about what it might be, if we dated because it wasnt going to happen, ever. In a normal, healthy friendship, after my wife arrived here in this country, this friend who has been closest would make a move/ try to get to know my wife ideally, or at least mention once that we should all meet. That never happened. She never ever spoke or asked about her. not once. It was me who tried to mention many times, that i would like her to meet my wife, but it never happened because we (my friend and i) only have met once after my marriage happened and I was back. But then, maybe she is not so comfortable meeting people she does not know, so I cannot be judgmental in this instance, but still seemed weird, not just to me, to my wife even.
About the expectation level, I agree that I have been obsessed with her to an extent, to me it was like a new toy i cared a lot about (not in the literal sense) but i have told her Id have adopted her, and let her live with me and my wife, and id take care of her. The expectation reached this level because for about 8 months, she and I shared a lot, we spoke a lot, she has told me her life secrets that nobody else knows. I have shared so much. Id wake her up every morning for 9 months, every single day except the weekend, all this because she found it difficult to wake up. I would have never given so much of myself to this friendship had i known we wont see each other’s faces after a year! As i am typing i realise this isnt healthy, me being married now, even though i wasn’t when I met her first. I know i cant let my wife go thru anything that I would regret later. I know i should back off and I already have. We will probably not talk ever, even though we haven’t ended anything on a bad note, it seems very unlikely that we will because she wont call or text until I do. My only concern is that while she has moved on, I haven’t because my feelings for her seem deeper than I had anticipated.
July 29, 2017 at 4:37 pm #160992
ElianaParticipantHi Sushant,
I read your post, and I am sorry to hear the losses you have gone through. I too lost the only family I had left, my Dad, in 2008. He died at age 89, due to congestive heart failure. What’s sad, is that his “family” my 1/2 brothers who have really never talked to me, and my Aunt and Uncle who raised me, never told me, he was in a coma in a hospital. At the time, I was working in Cincinnati, (he had an office here) but lived in Sarasota, Florida. Their reason, they never told me? They said they did not have my address or phone number (all lies) his wife was always mean to me, she just did not want me there.
I thought he had been travelling, as he still worked up until the day he died. We were very close and talked three times a week, so I started getting worried about him, my calls never returned. I sent him a beautiful card. About 2 months later I get a cold letter from my Aunt and Uncle’s Daughter, that he had passed. I never got to say bye to him, hold his hand or go to his funeral. I have not been the same since his death and the loss of my beloved cats. I do have family who could care less about me. So, it’s just me and 2 friends. I wanted to share that with you, knowing that there is someone out there that can relate. I miss my Dad so much.
Now, onto your post, I’m very confused..as you talk About a very strong emotional attachment to a woman, yet you are married, and you did not say anything about any kind of attachment or emotional bonding with your wife. The feelings you describe of this woman friend who doesn’t seem to care, are feekings, I think one should describe about their wife. Your thoughts?
July 29, 2017 at 8:48 pm #161008
LivvyParticipantIt sounds like you and your friend were about as emotionally intimate as two people get. It’s clear that you had great compatibility and love for each other. Something changed which caused your friend to distance herself. I don’t think anything changed about you as a person. I think it was a change in the situation – most likely your marriage. It’s natural for you to grieve the loss of such a close relationship.
I’d back off from your friend for a while. Maybe after some time has passed, you can reconnect. In the meantime, work on other relationships. You are someone who needs to reveal your thoughts and emotions in detail to another person – someone worthy of your confidence. You have your wife (She sounds like a saint. Not many women would be understanding of their husband being this emotionally involved with another woman). Now, you need to find another friend or two (male friends) in whom you can confide. I know there are some men who communicate on this kind of deep emotional level. Maybe join a men’s support group of some kind.
I wish you the very best and am sorry this loss is so hard for you.
July 29, 2017 at 9:41 pm #161012AnonymousInactive@Eliana
I’m deeply sorry for your loss, i cant even imagine how diffocult this must have been and what you had to go through. Seems like you still haven’t forgiven your family members, and I get why you wouldn’t. Know that if you’d like to talk about it id love to hear and know more about your dad and memories as such.
About this woman, yes we had a very strong emotional bond. There are many reasons for It, for instance, her mother was battling cancer, and that drew me towards her even more, besides, she was someone I could talk to, for hours about anything. And then she opened up about certain things that she hadn’t to anyone else which made me feel like im special. This is where I slipped. I wanted to be that special friend as I considered her that way throughout. I do even now. But that special thing did not last for too long for her and soon I became just another friend and now just someone she knows. While I still used to open up about my life to Her, she kind of distanced and stopped talking much unless I ask then she would mention stuff. That made me feel like im being intrusive at times. Recently, when she returned from vacation, I asked her who among her friends did she catch up with back home, and she felt I was being intrusive by asking her that. So yes, I liked her, probably emotionally got very attached. But not the kind where I would leave my relationship and run toward her. I tried to save the friendship because I have known how it is to not have people in my life and it sucks. But I realise I cannot force anyone to stay. Nothing is permanent.
About my wife, I love her deeply probably will never love anyone that way. Partly, the reason for that slip i spoke about in the paragraph above is that my wife and I even though we were close and dated for so long, we hadn’t seen each other and had lived apart in a long distance for a while. So we both understood that the stagnation had seeped in. We had to work towards our relationship, and we did. Today, we are happy, and look forward to getting home from work every day so we can spend time together.
July 29, 2017 at 10:04 pm #161014AnonymousInactiveHello Livvy,
yes I agree, and I am going to actively try to get away from this friend as much as possible, in that we anyway dont talk or text, I have taken a full social media detox which is also helping me focus on myself more. Im not too sure about reconnecting later in life mostly because I tried a bit too much to keep this friendship intact, and in trying so hard I may have made the person leave. But yes, if it happens it happens. I have also reconnected with a couple of old friends, and to my surprise one is actually in a similar emotional state, so maybe I could spend more time talking to him. Thanks for your suggestions, appreciate it
July 30, 2017 at 5:49 am #161030AnonymousGuestDear Sushant:
You are welcome.
You wrote: “for about 8 months, she and I shared a lot, we spoke a lot, she has told me her life secrets that nobody else knows. I have shared so much. ..”- this friendship has been valuable for the two or you. In the past. It is over now.
You wrote: “I would have never given so much of myself to this friendship had i known we wont see each other’s faces after a year!”- we can’t hold on to everything we invest in. Some things carry no return-on-investment for us, other things carry a return for a limited amount of time. This friendship reads to me past its time limit.
You wrote: “As i am typing i realise this isnt healthy, me being married now… I know i should back off and I already have”- I agree.
You wrote: “My only concern is that while she has moved on, I haven’t because my feelings for her seem deeper than I had anticipated”- I hope you do move on. It is not too late for you to aim at moving on.
You wrote: “I wanted to be that special friend… I do even now. But that special thing did not last for too long for her and soon I became just another friend and now just someone she knows”- I think that this is what is keeping you from moving on- the need to be special to someone, which you felt that you were to her, and now you don’t feel special anymore. You want that feeling back. The feeling of being special, you attached that feeling to that particular woman and it is as if your only chance of being and feeling special is in reviving that particular friendship.
What does feeling special mean to you? Why is it that you don’t feel that with your wife, that kind of special, do you know?
anita
July 30, 2017 at 6:35 am #161048AnonymousInactiveDear Anita,
You wrote: “Some things carry no return-on-investment for us, other things carry a return for a limited amount of time. This friendship reads to me past its time limit.”
I couldnt agree more. And I wish I had this wisdom earlier. Here I think it was over long before I realised it, but I kept trying to revive it over and over again. Secondly, I have been blaming myself partly for it ending this way, I feel sometimes, if I had just let her be the way she wanted, she would not feel bitter about me or us, and still at least continue to be in touch. Now she seems to be completely gone.
You wrote:
What does feeling special mean to you? Why is it that you don’t feel that with your wife, that kind of special, do you know?Your question has brought to me two insights or realisations. 1) I yearn for this special feeling with this person because I have been seeing her in a different light. I percieved her as someone who would not get close to a friend easily. To me, she appeared as someone who is mostly closed. She would not share anything about her life with most people. She is okay with not talking about her life to people. But she did share some life stories with me. Also at the time, she was pretty much closed to her other friends, and she would discuss her other friends with me and not the other way around. So it made me feel like I am special, because not everyone gets to be in her life the way I do. She would say that I have wriggled my way into her life and she hasnt been in so much touch with such frequency even in any of her relationships. But off late, I have seen that she has opened up as a person, and she has become more welcoming to newer people in her life. There are some she would avoid earlier and tell me about how she does not want to meet them, now i see she meets them, talks to them, so maybe all that was just her mask in front of me, and this is the real her. Or maybe it is her showing me that she has changed and moved on. 2) I thought of her as better than other women I have met, in many ways. And now that I think more about it, I think that she is also ordinary like any of us. I also see her insensitive side, though this might be me being angry, but some of her replies have made me realise she is not empathetic as a person, and she can also be haughty, and narcissistic at times. When you tell someone “it is not the time, it is the want” when they ask you why you did not keep in touch over weeks when you had the time, and that someone has begged you to stay as a friend, I think it says a lot about the situation and how it has made her react to me.
About my wife, and that special feeling, she and I had distanced a bit because we had been in a long distance for so long, and I had in my own mind taken her for granted, because we had been together for so long, it was natural sometimes relationships go through a period of stagnation. But I also see how she is as a person, and her beauty lies in the way she understands people, their emotions and how to react to them, which I lack. As we spend more time together, our bond is getting better and I feel more and more special, but it will still take more time for me to stop yearning that speacil feeling from my friend. Not sure if I can compare the two.
July 30, 2017 at 7:31 am #161056AnonymousGuestDear Sushant:
You felt special with her because she shared things with you that she didn’t share with anyone else. She was closed with others and was open only with you. Later, she opened up to others and that took away from your feeling of being special.
The fact that you “thought of her as better than other women” leads me to consider that she met a long ago need you had to be special as a child, a need that was not met then. As children we view our parents as better people than others, we look up to them. And you looked up to that woman. When your mother was alive, maybe she didn’t treat you as special.
“yearning that special feeling from my friend” reads to me like a yearning from childhood, a yearning to feel special, to be treated special by a parent. What do you think?
anita
July 30, 2017 at 8:11 am #161064AnonymousInactiveHi Anita,
I was pretty much a favourite child and was very loved by mom and dad both. I think your theory fits in a bit, maybe I missed being wanted by someone, as a friend or in any other capacity. I think in the end, it all comes down to attention. It was the constant care that she showed for the first 6 to 8 months or so that made me feel wanted. When she stopped I still wanted that attention from her which I did not get. This is great, thank you for your replies, it is definitely helping me understand all this.
With Her, in the last few months, I also feel like I hadn’t been myself. I had shown signs of insecurity, over possessiveness and even under confidence at times. Especially when she distanced herself, I would do or say things to get her attention. Which made me feel uncomfortable about myself. I’m slowly collecting myself back again and realise that wasn’t who I really am and learning to love myself again though I still have a long way to go to fully recover from this.
July 30, 2017 at 8:42 am #161076AnonymousGuestDear Sushant:
I am wondering in what ways did your parents treat you as a favorite child, favored over your siblings?
anita
July 30, 2017 at 8:49 am #161078AnonymousInactiveHi Ankita,
In general, my parents were very loving, and mom very caring, in whatever way they could they made each of us (my brother, sister and me) feel special. Since i was the third and youngest child, I was a bit pampered, in that I would get toys, and other demands met by simply crying for it. I dont think I was a favourite child as such, maybe to an extent to mom, but i know my sis was also very close and dear to her.
What drives you to this question, if I may ask.
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