This is going to be a kind of confusing rant and I apologize in advance, but I just wanted to at least tell someone. Well here goes nothing… I would like to say that I am a pretty happy person right now, but at the same time I’m not. I don’t understand this even to me its pretty perplexing. My life has definately not been the easiest, but it isnt the hardest either. What I’m trying to ask is will I always be scarred from my turbulent past or is their hope that one day I will be able to move past it, and if so how?

Here’s a little backstory about my past: I was born in a poor family where my mother would constantly need to work and sometimes she wouldn’t eat just so I could. She and my biological father were pretty young when they had me so there was alot of fighting and abuse from my father on my mother. Sadly I was present during those times. Anyhow my family that lived in the states gave my mother and I the oppurtunity to come there, so without consulting my bio father we left. I was 6 at the time and it I had to leave the only family that I ever knew behind. I guess the event was too much for me to take because I now have repressed memories therefore I can’t remember anything/most people. After coming to the states I lived with my aunt and uncle. My uncle was also a psycho who was possessive and just an all around creep. He tried to molest my mother and after being promptly rejected he kicked us out on the streets with nothing but our meager possessions. Fast forward a year or two and that starts me off at school. I had to change schools a few times after my mother got married to my amazing dad(stepdad). At school I was bullied for being fat, ugly, poor, unstylish, and being from another country. This went on for years until I entered my 1st year of highschool. Now in high school I became so depressed that I began to harm myself(cutting bruising etc). I had a very rocky relationship with my family and just people in general. After a year of that I was diagnosed with Depersonaliztion and of course my mother didn’t believe me. I felt utterly alone.

But as fate would have it my life completely flipped on its axis and I found hope again. I realized I wanted to be a doctor and even my hatred for humanity turned into love. Now I definately don’t feel like I did before. I am happy, but at the same time not. You see I find myself having a great deal of distrust towards people and have built a wall around myself. I basically perfected a facade and now I don’t know who is really me?

At one point I can be extremely happy, thankful, and loving towards life and everything in it(I want to help anyone in anyway I can), then I can be extremely angry, livid, hateful towards myself and just humanity where I am even disguisted to be a part of it, I also at points feel a mixture where I feel happy but feel so unworthy where I am willing to sacrifice myself for anyone in need not just because I want to but because what’s my life worth anyway I’ve been happy so I should let someone else experience it too, and lastly I also have my most used facade where I act like I am perfectly fine where I can smile throughout everything and am strong enough to face anything(But this one doesn’t feel fake sometimes I really feel like I can take on the world).

So please if anyone can enlighten me: Who am I? Will I always have to carry this past with me? Is there hope that I one day will be able to move on? Am I worthy to have that happiness?