Home→Forums→Relationships→Will I get back with him
- This topic has 9 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 10 months ago by
Anonymous.
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January 28, 2023 at 4:31 am #414531
AnonymousInactiveDear All
I met a person online who is going through a divorce and he proposed marriage to me. i said okay. I moved to foreign country and he was still active in a matrimonial site when he asked me to not look at anyone. He said interaction with me drains him a lot. I did a prematrimonial check on him overseas and told him. My friend suggested me that. I feel i have made a mistake here. He told me the relationship is over for good. I have not met him even once though we have been interacting through text for 11 months. Calls were minimal and also no video calls. He is going through a divorce case in india for 9 years. This is the 9th year. He has two children from his marriage- both daughters. I wanted to help him and hence did the check. I am an old soul and a pisces/INFJ. But he misunderstood and thinks am stalking and spying on him and told me not to contact him anymore. It pains me a lot. I had an abusive marriage and am divorced. I am 43 and he is 42 years old. Please suggest me what should i do?
January 28, 2023 at 5:19 am #414538
HelcatParticipantHi Gay
I don’t think you did anything wrong. If anything, it’s important for your safety to do a prematrimonial check before marrying someone that you’ve never met in a different country. You were honest and upfront about it.
I’m sorry he reacted so badly and it’s causing you a lot of pain.
January 28, 2023 at 7:41 am #414545AnonymousGuestDear Gay:
You shared that you (43, divorced following an abusive marriage, living outside of India) met this man (42, has been going through a divorce in the last 9 years, lives in India) on a matrimonial site, but never in-person, nor did you have a single video call with him. The extent of the communication was online, through text for 11 months, plus a few phone calls. Yet he proposed marriage to you and you agreed.
You did a pre-matrimonial check on him, and he told you that he thinks that you are “stalking and spying on him” and ended contact with you.
“It pains me a lot… Please suggest me what should I do?“- I am sorry that you are in pain and I hope that you will feel better very soon. My comments on what you shared and questions, if I may: (1) He proposed marriage to you, but he is a married man still. A marriage proposal is valid only if the man is not married, isn’t it? (2) Seems like you got very emotionally attached to him: what about the online/ text communication with him got you so attached?
anita
January 29, 2023 at 7:21 pm #414720AnonymousInactiveThank you for the replies. He was desperate to get married to me. He was pursuing me and I felt he needs my help. I was reluctant and told him he is still married and I can be friends with him but he wouldn’t agree. I think I have some soul connection with him and I want to be part of his life so I can help him with. I don’t know. May be what I have is sympathy and I also felt that my options are limited given my life situation and the horoscopes matched. Mine is a complicated horoscope. I had only arranged marriages. I don’t do dating. Now am in a different country. Was in an abusive marriage previously. Know that he is not abusive. May be am ready to settle for crumbs people throw. He also said that am filled with negativity and depression and am feeding him that. I am alone and also lost my mother to cancer and I have mild depression. May be I repelled him with my constant complaints.
January 29, 2023 at 9:38 pm #414721HelcatParticipantHi Gay
I’m sorry to hear about your your mother’s death, your complicated circumstances and that you previously experienced an abusive marriage.
It seems you both knew that he was unable to remarry until his divorce finalised. On some level that made his proposal dishonest.
He goes on to blame you and call you negative and depressing. When you have been honest and realistic about his situation.
I would suggest that he might not be violent. But he has habits of over-reacting to normal situations. A pre-marital check is very normal for international relationships. He is someone who blames and punishes. When you did something perfectly reasonable, he broke up with you and subtly insults you. He lies, preferring to live in denial about his situation and fantasise. These are things I would consider forms of verbal abuse.
You are worth more than crumbs. Someone who has been through so much deserves a wonderful relationship.
January 30, 2023 at 12:17 am #414728AnonymousInactiveI agree with you. He always is emotionally unavailable . He goes to victim mode and blames others. He needs to self reflect and work on himself before he gets in to a new relationship. I am trying to look at things from his perspective. Am wondering why he is in a matrimonial site awaiting divorce and proposing marriage to other women when his divorce is dragging for long. After proposing marriage to me he is still in the matrimonial site. Do you think he is worth my time? But somewhere I have developed some attachment to him. I believe I can take care of him well and have lot of sympathy for him.
January 30, 2023 at 2:34 am #414729AnonymousInactiveAlso let me clarify. I was in India when he was chatting with me. He said that he will marry me once he gets his divorce. I moved overseas in August
January 30, 2023 at 8:22 am #414737AnonymousGuestDear Gay:
You are very welcome. “Am wondering why he is in a matrimonial site awaiting divorce and proposing marriage to other women when his divorce is dragging for long“- it looks like his reason is that he wants to communicate with women online, in a romantic context, while going through a divorce (if he is going through a divorce).
“I think I have some soul connection with him and I want to be part of his life so I can help him… somewhere I have developed some attachment to him. I believe I can take care of him well and have lot of sympathy for him“- this soul connection that you feel, your wanting to take care of him well.. this is a beautiful part of yourself.
“Do you think he is worth my time?“- no, I don’t think that he is worth your time or that he is worth this beautiful part of yourself, which I mentioned right above.
“I had only arranged marriages. I don’t do dating” – maybe it’s time for cautious and wise dating?
anita
January 31, 2023 at 2:42 am #414783AnonymousInactiveThank you for the empathy and thoughtfulness in the answers you have provided. Am extremely grateful to you all. I will possibly do something to help him as much as I can by keeping him in my prayers. I still believe he is a genuine person. I am not interested in dating. Let me focus on my profession and personal wellbeing.
May God bless you all. Please close this thread for good.
January 31, 2023 at 6:38 am #414788AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Gay. As far as closing or deleting your thread, I don’t have the power to do so (I am a member here, just like you are). Thank you for your good wishes/ blessing and same back to you!
anita
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