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Wish I could still trust.

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  • August 17, 2016 at 9:55 am #112658
    Savannah
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I am new here. I read a couple of topics and I liked how mature, deep and authentic people are here, which is why I decided to sign in.

    I have an issue that I carry with me since several years; I cannot trust the person I am involve with in a relationship. I don’t have any problem concerning friends or family.
    If I look back, I can certainly point out what did not help; my parents weren’t that supporting toward me – they were supporting my little brother who was dealing with bullying. I was sexually assaulted & harrassed three times; twice by my cousin (7 (it was an assault) and 17 years old) and once by a boyfriend (around 14 years old). After that, my relationships went pretty bad in general. I was really naive and did not have enough self-respect to get out of these relationships. I have seen a shrink for all these past events. However, I know that my past should not be a reason for what happen right now and I like to believe that I learned from them.

    Ten months ago, I met a guy over a language exchange website. Our friendship grew fast and we were very close. We were talking almost every single day. I was amazed to be able to find good qualities in a man that I never found before (I know there is a lot of wonderful men outside but I was not used to it!) and having deep conversation. Although, my thoughts were not serious about us until I met him this summer.
    He went visiting and met me the first day he arrived. Something changed. I was still able to feel this link between us, pulling toward each other. I realized that I was emotionnally involved in our friendship and probably more than I thought. We finally realized that we both love each other on many levels.

    My problem is that I have a hard time to trust him. Even if he shows me his worth and even if I acknowledge it. I know he’s a good person. I know he’s not a liar. I found myself searching what might hurt me or compromise us. And like he says: if you are searching, you are going to find. I know what he meant but my mind says: If I’m searching and there should have nothing to find in the first place. However, I found some things here and there and to me, when there is inconsistency between words and actions, I hate that.
    I feel naive again. I feel like I gave my trust enough to feel betrayed. I need consistency in words and actions. I do live my life according to my beliefs. I know I cannot put my beliefs on someone else; but when this person tell you that they believe the same things but discovered that they acted in a different way, my trust is weaken. I don’t even know if my guts tell me to not trust him or if it’s my brain/wounds. I feel like I cannot give my trust without paying the cost.

    Is any of you already felt that way? What do you think?
    What is your advice?

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Savannah.
    August 17, 2016 at 10:17 am #112662
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear savannah1:

    You wrote: “I don’t even know if my guts tell me to not trust him or if it’s my brain/wounds”-

    It may be both- that you are inclined to distrust AND that he is not worthy of your trust.

    When a person’s actions are not congruent with their words, then there is reason to not trust that person. Can you give here an example or a few examples of his actions being incongruent with his words?

    anita

    August 17, 2016 at 10:34 am #112670
    Savannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    First of all, thank you for your reply. I guess it could be both.

    For example, I have some hard beliefs in which I put values. I made my beliefs my lifestyle (i.e. Vegetarism, against objectifying women, etc.) If I do not like something, I will probably boycott what I can boycott. I’m probably activist in my own way. We talked about them even before we met, he told me he was agreeing, that he also thinks that way and I believe him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
    Although, he usually exposed what he did wrong or what he did that contradict what he believe in. He is pretty honest on these, though. I understand that for him, it is evolving. He is evolving step by step to be more consistent in his life. He said that I was a major factor of his awareness and seeing life on a different angle. I was happy to inspire someone.
    I found out that some of these things happened really recently though, which feels like he was lying to me. However, these things aren’t really big/major, I can acknowledge that as well. That is why I can feel a bit ridiculous right now; if I could write it in a colorful manner, it feels like my wounds are fragile, bleeding, because I have someone that feels right and genuine but who also trigger my own beliefs. Then, the smallest thing can shake my trust and make me doubt.

    August 17, 2016 at 10:38 am #112671
    Savannah
    Participant

    I would like to add that he knows my past and he understands. He is also very patient and want to work with me on obstacles.

    August 17, 2016 at 11:19 am #112675
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear savannah1:

    You didn’t give me an example, only areas of incongruence, at best: vegetarianism and objectifying women.

    If these are areas he didn’t examine much before, didn’t investigate, wasn’t aware of, then what he told you: “… that I was a major factor of his awareness and seeing life on a different angle”- will explain seeming incongruence. For example if he told you: yes, it makes sense to not eat animals (his words) and then he continues to eat animals (action)- then this is not evidence of him being untrustworthy, not at all. It means that at the moment you gave him your position against eating meat, it sounded logical to him. Later, out of habit and his enjoyment of meat, he chooses to still eat meat.

    When he told you that you are increasing his awareness it means he is in the process of becoming aware, so it is not reasonable to expect him to jump from no awareness to full awareness. Such takes time.

    I hope you don’t pressure him in any way to be a vegetarian and become an activist.

    Hope you post again. This is an interesting discussion to me.

    anita

    August 17, 2016 at 11:34 am #112677
    Savannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I understand. Thank you for your words, Anita.
    I don’t think I am pressuring him (I prefer not getting involved if I feel like I would pressure someone to do against their will); I never asked him to change his diet or anything. He became vegetarian 8-9 months ago. Objectifying women is especially hard for me, as you might guess already. He said he always have been against that but rather than facing the problem, just ignored it/be indifferent. That he was not doing it anyway, except in his teen age, which is understandable. But then, he recently did objectified a woman, which make me feel weird in my stomach because I thought he wasn’t that type of person. I told him right away, before even dating him, that I cannot tolerate people objectifying women. That I think it is wrong in my eyes. Then, I usually choose to get involve in a relationship where my partner is also believing in this, I did not before and it amplified my belief.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Savannah.
    August 17, 2016 at 11:54 am #112681
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear savannah1:

    I understand your intensity in believing women should not be objectified and I share your belief.

    Now, depends on his comment that troubles you: what was it?

    If it was a mild comment, that is probably him repeating what he heard so often in his life, forgetting he is talking to you. It means he is not yet sensitive enough to how strongly you feel about it and how serious the issue is. It is the process of awareness I referred to before, it takes time and ongoing examination. To encourage him in this process, no pressure is best (and you indicated you don’t pressure people) and gentle conversation starters will do. As long as he doesn’t feel you judge him harshly for his lack of awareness.

    (After all, it is not his fault that he didn’t meet anyone aware of this before he met you! And it is not his fault he is not a woman…)

    If you think it is relevant to share the specific comment he made, if it may be over the top, please do.

    anita

    August 17, 2016 at 12:03 pm #112684
    Savannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You are right. I should not hold it against him when it comes to not being aware enough as I expect him to be. He did not met someone as strongly opposed to this belief as well.

    I will try my best because I really love him and I don’t want to lose him over things that I don’t understand fully.

    Savannah.

    August 17, 2016 at 2:45 pm #112695
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear savannah1:

    The thing is he may be aware of something important that you are not aware of, just as you are aware of an important issue that he is not well aware of. He reads to me like a good person, from what you shared. So I hope this works out- and do post here anytime you need my thoughts, feedback, suggestions.

    In trusting him, do not expect him to be perfect, a saint of some sorts. He can’t help but being human. Expecting him to be imperfect gives you the freedom to be which you can’t help but be yourself: imperfect.

    At times you too say or do things that don’t perfectly fit what you said before. We can’t have a perfect memory for all that we say, run it all through a computer program that emits a siren for any inconsistency. This is not how the human brain operates, not his and not yours.

    There will be issues but if he is a decent man, as he seems to be, then you and him can work it out, communicate, be flexible enough to allow minor inconsistencies. Of course, because of your understandable trust issues, a minor inconsistency may seems major, so don’t automatically react to something “major” when it may not be major. Take your time to calm down first, relax and wait for that siren to be silent. Then think- and do post here anytime.

    anita

    August 18, 2016 at 2:13 pm #112775
    Savannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You are right. I calmly spoke with him yesterday and everything is fine now. I analyzed my thoughts, told him what I needed, what I can and cannot do right now in order to grow from it and declared what I am willing to do for the future. I reassured him that my feeling did not change and our moments of happiness surpasses the bad. He was very respectful and told me he respect me to telling him.
    However, I still feel a bit disappointed – but I didn’t say something about it – when I saw that he has albums of picture about half naked women wrestling. I guess he does not remember – he often told me that.
    I am kind of reluctant to talk to him about these issues because I never know how to address them calmly and clear enough. If you ever have any thoughts about how to communicate these kind of things, I’m open to them. These are inconsistencies in my eyes but I am aware that he probably forgot he has these on his FB profile.

    August 18, 2016 at 2:35 pm #112782
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear savannah1:

    It is helpful for me that you came up with something specific regarding the objectifying women issue: the album he has on Facebook. This is not necessarily a minor issue.

    If he made a comment in passing about female wrestling of this kind, after some advertisement on TV, let’s say, well, that could be an impulsive comment and he is only in the process of developing sensitivity to what bothers you and to the issue itself.

    But a Facebook album that objectifies women is more permanent that a passing comment and more intentional than an impulsive comment. After all you were sexually assaulted and you feel strongly about a topic that costs millions of women around the world their well being and lives. I think it is fair for you to ask him to remove that album, kindly. Not in an angry way, but in an honest, assertive way. I’d say it’s major. Your experience, your feelings and the issue itself are in combination, definitely major.

    anita

    August 18, 2016 at 2:38 pm #112783
    Savannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you very much for replying fast!
    I definitely do not like this but I feel like I am creeping. Although, I know it is public so I should be able to look at these without feeling like I am creeping.
    I have seen many things. For example, he told me he never was the kind of men to objectify women, like I told you before. However, he did it quite A LOT! I know people cannot remember everything but… at some point, it sounds ridiculous to me. Right now, I feel so sick that I feel like ending everything because I do not want to be a burden, nor feeding my trust issues – because I feel like he is b***** me. 🙁

    August 18, 2016 at 8:56 pm #112815
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear savannah1:

    So sorry… “A LOT!” sounds major, not minor. A person should be consistent. Not perfectly consistent when a person is changing- the old creeps into present talk, then the person realizes it and corrects. It can be a person saying one thing in one context then later says something that seems contradictory but is not if considered in another context. But if the guy has a lot of naked women wrestling on his Facebook and otherwise did a lot of objectifying women, then it is a major problem.

    Like I wrote at the beginning, just because you have trust issues doesn’t mean you are imagining people are untrustworthy. The world we live in is such that there are plenty of untrustworthy people. We have to evaluate who we associate with before trusting.

    So, evaluate the guy. And post again. So sorry to see that sad face in your last post.

    anita

    August 18, 2016 at 10:03 pm #112819
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    You mentioned that you wish you could trust without paying the price. There is always a price of some sort.

    That being said, I don’t see how he can forget albums of semi-nude women wrestling.

    Don’t get the whole “objectifying” thing, but can see that mud wrestling could be degrading.

    “Objectifying” seems to be something with different definitions depending on who you ask. I mean, ultimately, men and women are nothing more than providers of biological materials.

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