Worried about my boyfriend's thoughts/feelings

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    Hello everyone,

    I am turning to you on behalf of my boyfriend as I feel that I could find some answers for him from the people here on TinyBuddha. He is not the type who would seek for help on such a forum so I figured I could do it myself and forward the new ideas to him.

    So the thing is that my boyfriend and I have been in long distance relationship for about 1,5 years and now we are about to end it – he is going to move to my home country for some time. We both know that this is not going to solve everything for us – we both have to finish our education at some point and he is not moving here permanently etc – but we are both happy and excited that we can finally live together for some time at least.

    I am 22 and he’s 23. Neither of us really know what we want to do professionally and neither of us is qualified for anything specific. And here’s where the problem comes in – I’m not worried about it but he is. I feel like I’ve got so much time to figure things out, I’m just taking it day by day, trying to spend my free time of my hobbies and I believe that one day I’ll understand which direction should I go to (however maybe I will always remain doing a little bit here and then a little bit there and that’s also okay!). It’s not like I don’t ever freak out – I do quite often! – but it’s easy to let go and just live in the moment.

    But enough of me. This whole process of being young and figuring stuff out is so much tougher for my boyfriend. He feels that since we are from different countries (and both pretty patriotic) then neither of us can stay away from home for longer than a few years and it is not possible to find a steady job (and income) while living such a “bouncy” lifestyle. He is really confused about what he wants to do in life in general and he feels like he won’t be able to ever feel secure because he doesn’t know what’s the thing to do for him. I’m trying to comfort him by saying that first of all he is so young and most of the people his age don’t know what they are going to do with their life and secondly life is so unpredictable that even if he had a “master plan” at this point then life will never go exactly the way we want so why worry anyway.
    Regarding being from different countries – If I just think about how our life would look like in 5 years, I can’t really tell. I don’t know where we would live or where I/he would work but I’m rather excited than worried about it. I feel like my beliefs and plans change so often that I can’t really plan anything big right now. I would just take it step by step and see what’s the most practical thing to do when it’s time to decide. Or maybe I’m too naive?
    He has grown up in a pretty masculine family where the guys know what they want and they can provide for the family etc and I guess that’s why he feels so stressed about such a fluid future.

    I know he loves me. We have gone through some tough times during our relationship and learned a lot. I just wish he could have more fun doing all that. I’m just afraid that if he focuses so much on both emotional and material security then at some point he is going to be so stressed that he can’t see the point in being together/starts to question his feelings. I know that it sounds a little dramatic and if it should really happen then I can’t do much about it anyway but for now I just want to be as supportive as I can. I feel that we are in this together and even though he needs to find peace on his own, I want to work on things as a team and let him know that I’m his companion on this rocky road.

    So what do you think? Maybe I’m the one who has the wrong attitude?

    Matt Turner

    Hi Ladybird,

    A very eloquent post! Thank you for sharing.

    With regard to your attitude, both your attitudes are valid because they are your own realities right now, or at least what you perceive them to be. Neither attitude is right or wrong, they just ARE. That could be your starting point.

    Let’s face it, life is hard at times and relationships especially. You seem to both have different value and belief systems and this is what is driving your thoughts and perceptions.

    You are both very young and do indeed have plenty of time, in my opinion. There is a saying about your 20’s is like getting ready for the party, your 30’s is all about buying the drinks, and your 40’s is about picking up the tab! Think about that.

    What’s the party you both want to go to? For you, it seems you live in the present more frequently, which is absolutely fine. The present is the only place we know, the only place we have control of and the only place we live. The past is gone, the future largely unknown.

    Take everything off the table – apart from your relationship. What actually is it? How does it work? Does it work? How did you get together? Whats your relationship with yourselves (and that applies to both you)? What do you want out of life? What are your values and what can’t you compromise on? What can you let go of? What can’t you let go of?

    These are just some questions you can ask yourselves and each other. Try to talk it through in a calm, considered way. And last of all, what’s the rush?

    Good luck! I hope this helps.


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