August 6, 2013 at 8:50 am #39840CarolineParticipant
It all started on January 8th 2013. I get fired from a great job that I loved. A month later February 14th, 2013 my mother is hospitalized from a terrible burn injury. Shortly after that my boyfriend / fiance’ started having horrible problems and I moved out. On March 15th 2013 my mother died from complications she was 66. HORRIBLE YEAR!! Since then my boyfriend have been hot a cold. My sister his ex wife and anyone else have meddled and contributed to the problems we already have. Last Friday August 2nd I think that was it.. That we are over… I have been completely devastated since then. Cant eat, have to medicate to sleep, and all i want to do is cry. I’ve even text him and called and all we do is argue. But I love him I just dont know what to do. I feel completely helpless.August 6, 2013 at 9:33 am #39843maitri2allParticipant
Sounds like opportunity to be alone could be very helpful right now.
Do not let the outside cause so much stress to the inside. This comes when we exert too much energy trying to control what we already know we cannot…The Outside
Who is the most important person you know? They are the easiest person in the world to talk to and knows the answer to everything
Might I suggest a very very tiny small exercise
With no concern to how to breathe…just pay serious attention to at least a three count of counting your breaths
You can say
As I inhale I relax my body
As I exhale I smile
Be gentle with self
Google … Pema Chodron on MaitriAugust 6, 2013 at 9:42 am #39844maitri2allParticipant
I wanted to add edit about the breath
Try to make them a little more full each time..
I find it is like an atonement to my body…oxygen is the most important nutrient for human beings and yet we rarely focus on what nourishes our oxygen supply
Anxiety is a mini hyperventilation…
Thich said mindful breathing reconnects body and mind
Find peace, not control 🙂August 6, 2013 at 12:49 pm #39852ZenhenParticipant
First of all I am sorry to hear of the losses and setbacks you have experienced this year. I cannot even begin to imagine how devastating losing your mom, boyfriend and job must be. You can replace your boyfriend and your job but your mom you cannot replace so this must be extremely hard for you. I suggest to give yourself all the time in the world to grieve. Be kind and loving to yourself. Allow the sadness to come and engulf you because otherwise you will not be ready to embrace your new chapter in life. Know that pain and sadness is a major part of and a catalyst for growth. Although this year has been difficult for you, I feel that maybe your losses will bring you closer to you. Without your identity as a worker, girlfriend and tragically a daughter (even though you will always be your mother’s daughter), you will be able to get in touch with who you are. I feel that through your pain and unexpected/new found independence you will find a reservoir of strength that you never knew existed. This is a time to close out the old and the let the tears wash all the hurt away to embrace the new. A time of rebuilding and renewal. Through your loss you are sure to gain. The fearful part is not knowing where or how. So you are called to trust, trust in the universe and in yourself. Thank you for your courage to reach out and although you may feel lonely and unsupported, know that you are surrounded by love. Good luck on your journey.
Here are a few quotes for you:
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
“Grief does not change you. It reveals you.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
“Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ― Rumi
ZenhenAugust 7, 2013 at 8:36 pm #39942Aquadragon77Participant
Mine started Jan 1st!!! No really it did. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mother & everything else you have been going through. This may feel like the worst year of your life…yet it is still your life! I have gone through similar experiences in the past few years as well. Though your experience seems much more condensed in time than my own. I have felt that this year has been the worst year of my life as well. Take it back 5 years for me I lost a great job I loved right after my father passed away. Two years later my mother was diagnosed with cancer…which was a long and drawn out illness. She passed 2 years ago she was 69. Three months ago this year 2013 the woman I planned on marrying decided to end our relationship out of the air….Which I am still battling letting go with, yes i’m medicating to sleep, wishing I would not have dreams, etc….YOU have been through a lot! In this day and age it’s expected that we come to grips with things fast and figure it out fast. This can be confusing and sometimes harmful to the growth of who we are. I can not give you much advice but what I can tell you is that you need time! You need time and space to go through what your feeling. If your fiance/boyfriend is not part of the solution then you need to distance yourself from anything that is not going to bring a positive element into your life. We all fear the unknown…the unknown is where I am currently! It’s a scary cliff. Let me tell you though after such a loss as your mother and so suddenly I would regroup, meditate, and reflect on how that feels and what that means to your life!!! Life is changing sometimes it changes in a way we do not want or accept yet it goes on….and only later do we realize the lessons we were to learn from it. My advice is to take a step back from anything that is not helping you move forward and grow on your path for life is short! Practice “Letting Go” pick up some books by Pema Chodron…she has some gentile yet amazing insights on how to approach the unknown. Sometimes we get all wrapped up in trying to control every element in our lives and by letting go you can find some sense of relief. I think that human nature is to instill conflict in us as in our instincts VS. our emotions. Right now your reeling from the loss of your mother #1 which you have to face. #2 your trying to hang on to/fix/change or deal with your love, #3 jobs come and go like money…kind of like weather sometimes you dig it sometimes you don’t. Life is like the seasons…The Fall…Winter…Spring…and at last the Summer….kind of like the never ending life cycle! Life is a cycle….Please take the time you need to reflect on what you are going through…accept it learn from it and move on! Follow your path! Let go of expectations…just be~ Just be you and accept you where you are how you feel and be at peace with it….everything will work itself out if you can let go!~August 8, 2013 at 7:14 am #39954CarolineParticipant
The hardest part is letting go. I know the losing my mom i may never fully recuperate from that but I will always be her daughter and I find a sense of peace within that. The job I have that covered Ive been working a job im content with (pays the bills) But this relationship has just put me into a tail spin. I still have to get my stuff from his house (we use to live together) Its not been an easy relationship from the beginning but i feel a crazy love for him that I have Never felt for anyone else. He sent me an email that said he loved me enough to walk away that I deserved better. WHAT does that mean?!?! I feel like i am circling the drain and question everything. Is this Karma, and for what?August 8, 2013 at 8:56 am #39964ZenhenParticipant
“He sent me an email that said he loved me enough to walk away that I deserved better. WHAT does that mean?!?!”
There is nothing to read into. Thankfully, he has been honest with you. Now you are free to walk away and find who and what you really deserve. He can’t be forced or pushed or pressured to give what he doesn’t have. You mentioned he had an ex-wife, well she is an ex for a reason. At least you are a former girlfriend rather than an ex wife. I can understand that after losing your mom and your job, you need someone. Unfortunately, he just isn’t willing to be that someone. “Is this Karma, and for what?”. You might feel like you are being punished but you aren’t. You didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this. You are being taught some tough life lessons on letting go and moving forward. Take what you have learned and be grateful for the experience. This is from the Peace and Loveism site ” In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.”
Below are some articles that may bring clarity about your relationship. I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend and I have found deep down I just want him to want me. I asked myself if he wanted me the way I want him to want me, if he loved me the way I want him to love me, would I want him then? The answer painfully was no, I’m just addicted to tragic romance and unstable relationships. I just need validation and assurance that I am loved. I am recreating situations I had with my parents, where they neglected me and I wanted more than anything to gain their love and approval. So I subconsciously seek out people who aren’t available and try to force them to be available so I can feel worthy of love. Meanwhile, I reject the ones in my life who willingly offer their love because if I acknowledged them then it would shake the false belief that I am unlovable. Now, I am learning to love myself and truly love others without the need to change them. I hope that you can stop punishing yourself and find peace. Sending lots of love your way Caroline!August 13, 2013 at 7:42 pm #40392Aquadragon77Participant
Letting go I think IS the hardest part…I am still struggling with it myself. I lived with my ex too…we had a house and a “family”….My advice may not be the best but the letting go of expectations in our circumstances is the hardest. You probably are hoping or wanting things to go a different way? I too felt and still feel an enormous love for my ex that I have never experienced or felt before in my life and I have had a lot of relationships good and bad…I wanted to marry her!!! Sometimes it can be hard to decipher if our emotions (feel a crazy love) for someone else can overshadow the reality (it’s not been an easy relationship from the beginning)? Life is hard and it can be even harder trying to analyze or figure out what it is we are to do or learn from the experience. The email he sent may mean that when you love someone…regardless of what extent, deepness or intensity…you have to let other person go and “walk” away if you know it’s not working (even if you want it to so much) as to not cause the other person or yourself more harm or hurt. It means he cares & respects you enough to not want to hurt you anymore? I could be wrong? Believe me that I may share some of your conflicted emotions…I did not end my current/last relationship and am still probably clinging to a thread of some unrealistic hope that I will wake up and it will all just have been some kind of crappy dream…yet I wake up every day and realize it’s not. Then I realize that maybe the universe is trying to tell me something or push me in a direction I was fighting against?
As for Karma? Karma is a mystery to me If you feel like it may be than Karma is the knock on the door to let you know what you need to change or learn about yourself. You are going through a lot of life events don’t push yourself through it too fast you will just end up in the same place as you are now. You are rebuilding!!! Personally I think that your may be conflicted because you feel like you have NO control over the events that have taken place in this “worst” year? I could be wrong. I felt the same recently…and after hours and days of struggle to fix it or change things you get exhausted and start to lean on the idea of letting do…You can not change anyone other than yourself that includes how you react, feel, think about the events that rattle through our lives.
Your at the beginning and at the end of somethings in your life…Maybe the beginning of a new chapter and possibly at the end of some others. It is a very tender place to be so though it may hurt take a moment to reflect on how you feel accept that you have to be where you are for that is always where we are!!! That could be good times or bad times…it can be scary. “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” …for now I will end with what someone told me recently….”your mother would want you to have and find all the happiness this world has to offer you.” take a moment and meditate on that last sentence. Not all is yet lost. Live your life for you are alive!!! Even if you feel like you can’t let go…you can’t grab onto something new if you clinging onto something else at the same time. It takes time (not even sure maybe years?)
Give it time! It will be 2 years in the fall that my mom passed, Just over 2 months since I had to also move all my stuff out of the house….I can not say that things are better just different than what I wanted or expected. I guess life is like that? Try to remain focused if you can it can be hard…I think it’s in our nature to NOT want to let go of something we want or love we cling ferociously at times to it….but it’s is in NATURE that we see that things we want and love do leave our lives regardless of what we do or do not do.
Try and practice “letting go” a little at a time…it works! Maybe not the big things at first but the little things….Letting go is not giving up!!!…it’s simply the idea of letting go of expectations…the sole reason we become so hurt and angry. This is because we cling to the belief that events should go or play out a certain way…the way we want them to! I wish you goo energy going forward…as you have to! Remember you are not alone! We are all thinking feeling people who are alive. Just remember this is the first day of the rest of your life and live it! We never know when the last day will be. I hope some of this helps? Good luck.