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Worth the headache?

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  • August 19, 2013 at 2:22 pm #40768
    Danielle
    Participant

    Hi guys! I’ve been reading for a while, but only recently have I felt the urge to consult others in my little land of insanity.

    I have been friends and more than friends (then friends and more than friends, so on and so forth) with this guy for almost two years now. We have been in the same circle of friends for quite some time; however, only met more recently. (He claims that he remembers me from years ago, but that’s another story) We instantly were attracted to each other, both physically and emotionally. We are both fairly silly, and he makes mention quite often how he’s never met anyone who’s favorite songs are all his favorite songs.We were immediately, and still continue to be, very connected to each other.

    Here’s where it gets messy. We are both bad at relationships. Not bad as in we lie and cheat, bad as in, we have both been lied to and cheated on. I know that the past men have left me with a jaded outlook on relationships; however, I acknowledge that and am making it an effort to move forward in life. Him, on the other hand, seems to like thinking that the world is out to get him.

    I have been dishonest to him when he’s confronted me about my feelings for him, mainly because I was terrified. If i let him in, would it ruin our dynamic? When I tell him how I feel, would it scare him away? Aside from the “what ifs”, I haven’t had a successful relationship to date, leaving me terrified that I will end up being another reason for him to hate women.

    His reasons for asking me how I felt about him were unclear, he would tell me he had feelings, then back track, then list why he was scared to become serious with me. And then finalize the confusion tornado by telling me he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me at all.

    I am pretty good at taking things for face value, and I have never been a girl who would romanticize a relationship with a man. But this one is different and it’s got me questioning myself.
    It’s not so much what he says, but more so how he acts with me. He does things with me that make no sense to do if there were not romantic feelings. (I’m not referring to sexually, though the times we have hooked up, it’s been intense and extremely sweet- something else I have never dealt with)

    Aside from my own personal beliefs, both his and my friends see something between us. Surprisingly, one of his ex girlfriends became a close friend of mine after an argument due to her jealously of the “way he looks at me.” She has been a wonderful shoulder throughout the entire “relationship” and provides me insight like no other. His friends have pulled me aside and explained he cannot get a “read on me” and how “awfully he’s been hurt before.” When he started accepting the attention from a girl who was throwing herself at him, two of his friends “tattled” on him to me. Not that I have any say in him “being in trouble with me” (we are just friends, after all) but it was certainly a bruise to the ego to hear.

    He’s not an outwardly emotional guy (unless he’s intoxicated) but recently, he’s cried to me several times. My only understanding of him breaking down is because he is repressing his feelings. Perhaps not just for me, but for everything.

    The consistent inconsistency is something that I have grown to simply accept, though it’s not something I actually prefer. Despite what several people have told me, I cannot force him into being my boyfriend. Mostly because I am not that type of girl, but honestly, more so because I cannot find the confidence to hope he would not walk away completely. (My heart of hearts knows he wouldn’t, but I cannot get over that vulnerability.)

    The girl who I mentioned earlier is still floating in the background, waiting for attack. He’s spoken to me about her, initially making an effort to seemingly make me jealous, now more of a “need to know” basis. He told me a few weeks ago he lost interest in her, yet told me this morning he made plans with her for Friday (after asking me to hang out Saturday.) One thing that is crystal clear in knowing him is his need for attention and his deeply rooted insecurities. (assuming that spawns from being cheated on, I don’t crave the attention, but I have insane insecurities)

    I vow to myself that I will always be there for him. Not because I expect if I am, he will break down and become my boyfriend. But because I care deeply for him as a person. I see a great guy when I look at him, one that he certainly doesn’t see when he looks in the mirror. It breaks my heart when I think of the pain he puts himself through, and I just want to be there for him. But I feel like I am starting to go insane.

    I am obsessing over the situation, feeling less than a girl I never met that in the back of my mind I know he only likes for attention. I am feeling insecure, thinking that he has played this back and forth because he’s using me as a filler, until he finds something he thinks is “better.” Or maybe he’s keeping me on the back burner until he is actually ready to grow up and be in a relationship. I don’t know. And the times that I do get over my fear of expressing feelings, we get nowhere because he simply gets defensive and tells me I act like I don’t like him. It’s a terrible see saw of emotions.

    My need for help plays on the hope that someone has been here before. Or someone knows how to handle a confusing, hurt and untruthful individual. Or that someone has a good suggestion of how to remain confident in myself, while letting the attachment to him go. I have done well for myself in that I recognize what I need to change. I know you need to love yourself before you love anyone else, which is why I have confirmed with myself that right now isn’t a good time for us to be in a relationship. But I do love him and at the same time, don’t want to allow myself to be hurt by him. (which is how I am feeling now.)

    Basically, if, despite everything, the bad, the confusing, the frustrating and the misleading, your gut still tells you this person is worth it; how do you proceed?

    Thank you for any insight. And I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this whole scatterbrained post.

    August 19, 2013 at 5:33 pm #40778
    Matt
    Participant

    Danielle,

    Any time we love someone, there is the fear of being vulnerable. They may not love us back, they may lose interest, they may get hit by a bus. If we get swept into the what ifs, we quickly lose our way. Consider picking up a copy of Brene Brown’s books, or check out her Ted talk “The Power of Vulnerability”. I think her style and wisdom may strike you well.

    For me, I have been in that situation many times. I approach a person, with only love in my heart, intuition and hope, and say what comes to heart. In my marriage, it has always been well received. With others, I have gotten burned. However, I don’t regret. When we follow our heart and do our best to express it, where would regret stick?

    What I see is a girl in love, and scared to open up. That’s normal and reasonable. But what’s really the worst that could happen? You already love him, so if it doesn’t work out there will be pain. Might as well take a deep breath and jump. You may go splat on the ground as he spurns your affection. However, you may find your wings and fly.

    Just try to be transparent. Say what you feel, think and see. Express your fears, your hopes. He is either fertile or not, and you’ll never know if you don’t try it!

    That being said, also make sure to take care of yourself. Be gentle and patient, go for walks alone, follow your hobbies and interests. Its too easy to neglect ourselves when we get caught in the whirlwind of romance, and neglecting our self is a sure way to quench the inner fire. Said differently, loving yourself isnt a state of being, its a momentum of consistent self caring.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 19, 2013 at 7:19 pm #40785
    Danielle
    Participant

    Thank you so much, Matt. You’re absolutely right, I am in love with him, and I am terrified of appearing vulnerable, honestly, even to myself sometimes. I will definitely check out that author!

    I guess my biggest challenge is “I will, if you will” which is a childlike mentality. I have been hesitant to open up completely because he has as well. I am certainly a girl in love, but I have (luckily) not been clouded by the idea of love. I see and take things for how they are, maybe sometimes too literally. But my gut (as well as everyone who knows us) tells me he loves me back. I believe strongly in actions speaking louder than words, and his actions, truthfully, spell out everything loud and clear.

    His best friend, a practicing Tibetan Buddhist, gives me fabulous metaphors to help me steady my mind and emotions, which in turn, would hopefully steady his. His friend states that he is “repressing his feelings for me because he doesn’t feel safe” (perhaps his own way of dealing with vulnerability?) When describing our emotions, he used a metaphor of two rocking boats in a harbor, which cannot stop rocking, because they are clunking into each other. He stated that if one of the boats were to slowly stop rocking, the other would follow suit, leaving two still boats that rely on each other for a sense of calmness.

    I have been trying, and slowly succeeding to become steadier. But in that, it seems he has become emotionally rockier; picking on me more, starting fights over nothing, making plans with girls weeks earlier he said he had no respect for, and mostly, crying. A lot. It’s when he’s been drinking (not even drunk).

    So, my next question, I suppose, is whether or not it’s possible to make an extremely sensitive, emotional man, who does everything he can to ignore those feelings, feel safe enough to open up to how he really feels?

    I know that one cannot force another to deal with thoughts and feelings they choose not to. But is it possible to help them feel comfortable enough to want to?

    I have lowered, if not eliminated my expectations of any situation with him, though sometimes I do hit speed bumps and get sad or frustrated. I am trying not to cling to any resentment for the confusion he causes, and mostly trying to let whatever will be, be. I’m really only left with compassion and patience for him at this point. And like you suggested, I have been taking care of myself more and more each day. 🙂

    Thanks again for your input.

    August 19, 2013 at 7:47 pm #40788
    Matt
    Participant

    Danielle,

    A few things came to heart as I read your words. You pose that romantic and youthful question “if you will, I will”. That made me smile. How false is that! Perhaps “I do. Do you?” He certainly sounds like he loves you back, but there is a growing concern in me that there are some codependency patterns in your connection to him. If he has some unresolved pain, and seeks to resolve it through drinking, that can quickly trigger “caretaking” in you. If you are trying to put all of the power in the relationship into his hands, that is the codependent half of the addict/codependent paradigm. That road leads to chaos.

    Nip it in the bud, I say. You said you were trying to let go of resentment and confusion he causes. He causes? He has confusion, and you have confusion. You two don’t cause confusion in each other. Your confusion is your own. You become scared, pull back, don’t ask him questions that are on your mind, and then become resentful that he doesn’t read your mind, which builds even more fear? Do you see how that’s a loop? Its as though the two boats blame each other for causing their own rocking. All that really does is remove the feeling of empowerment, as though the other holds the key.

    You seem strong and courageous to me. Consider that we all feel fear, and courage is what arises so we can do what we are afraid of. There is fear, and we act from the heart anyway. There is fear, and we pick up the phone anyway. Do you see? There is always going to be failure in life, there will always be fear. We step through them with as much grace as we can, but we keep stepping.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 20, 2013 at 8:54 am #40834
    Danielle
    Participant

    Matt,

    I have a very childlike outlook on life as a whole, which can be both a positive or negative part of my personality. I realize that in my need for him to “admit” his feelings first, it takes my fear of vulnerability off the table. It’s silly and sillier because I am totally aware I allow the loop to keep looping.

    It’s truly amazing how well you are able to perceive the situation for almost exactly how it is just through my words. My codependency towards him isn’t something I realized until just recently, and it’s absolutely something I am trying to work through. We do blame each for our internal problems often, but I am hopeful that it is something that we can both power through to become positive influences in each others lives, rather than cling to our rocking boats and hope for the best.

    Thank you for your kind words and insight. 🙂

    Danielle

    August 20, 2013 at 9:37 am #40837
    Matt
    Participant

    Danielle,

    I’m happy that my words are resonant with you, I’m also amazed at how healing and nourishing an open hearted connection can become. You pour, I pour. No expectations, nothing other than “I see this, what do you see?”

    That being said, as I read your words, something came to heart. If you consider that the relationship up to this point has been like two boats rocking, and you see that, and are working to settle that (huzzah for the TB friend, one of my most profound teachers was a TB vajrayana practitioner) then perhaps you can reframe his actions.

    Said differently, if he associates the rocking boats as an indication of affection (which is a huge part of the drama in codependency) then as he pokes and prods, he’s perhaps trying to get you rocking in tune with him… thinking “if only we could rock together”. You have been blessed with a high level of self awareness, so you can see how that’s a losing game.

    I like how you put it “power through” the issues. This is highly effective, depending on your aim. That’s why I pointed at courage. Perhaps saying in your own way “my love, we are both scared. The rocking boats game is a losing game. I am afraid, and I see that you are afraid, but I believe in us. I know there is a better game, a game where we both act from courage and understanding. Would you play that game with me?”. If he can step to the plate and engage in authentic intimacy with you, you both win. Then its just looking at whatever stones arise that cause rocking. If he isn’t ready, at least you will have the stable ground yourself, so if and when he is ready, your arms will be open to receive him.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 21, 2013 at 10:26 am #40912
    Danielle
    Participant

    Hi again.

    I haven’t the confidence to be as open as you mentioned, but slowly by surely I am getting there. I hope eventually he will deal with the issues inside of him, not to benefit me, but for his own well being. As messy as things are sometimes, I cannot deny the fact that he is a really great person. Life just got to him, and he lost his way. It’s happened to me, too, but I get frustrated with feeling sad, so I make the strides to change it. His friend (the Tibetan Buddhist) is a good center for him, but also realizes a person can’t be helped if they don’t want to help themselves.

    I haven’t really looked at the other perspective of the rocking boats as you suggested above, and it really makes sense when it’s put that way. The calmer I have become, the more he looks for things to fight with me about. Our arguments are mostly based on assumptions and misunderstandings, but since I have adopted a better, more stable outlook, I haven’t been feeding in to them. It’s not to say I still don’t get frustrated.

    I’m hoping that eventually he can step to the plate. In my entire life, I have never felt someone was worth the headache as much as this guy.But there comes a point where you start to think you’re imaging his feels are reciprocated, despite what your gut and his actions and everyone else tells you.

    I hope to remain patient, and confident that eventually he will feel safe enough to deal with his repressed feelings for me. I just don’t want to lose my self confidence in the process. (I’m doing just ok so far) I do know that whatever will happen, it was the best I could do, and it was meant to be this way.

    Thanks again, Matt.

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