- This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 3 days ago by Anonymous.
September 9, 2020 at 11:31 am #366421JinaParticipant
Disclaimer: I don’t want him back. I just want to know the chances of him feeling regret for walking away from a good person, that he wasn’t necessarily in love with yet but left because of his commitment issues. Can a person who didn’t love you yet, who was experiencing ‘grass is greener syndrome’, feel like they might have made a mistake in leaving you before the relationship even had time to develop? Feel free to answer the question with or without reading the context. My ex (23M) broke up with me (25F) 3 days ago. Our relationship moved very quickly in the beginning. Reason being that we both had very similar values, worldviews as well as a strong attraction for each other. Also, we started off online, and it was long distance (by 3 hours of car travel between cities). So we jumped into a relationship because of the amount of money and energy expenditure it would take to be together (intuitively it was like: ‘I’m not gonna spend all that time, money, and energy just to see a person I’m dating casually). The first 6 weeks were bliss. We saw each other every 2nd weekend and talked almost every day. In all that time we had a profound intellectual connection, good sexual chemistry, and also had somewhat of a ‘child-like’ playful dynamic between us. He introduced me to his friends and I introduced him to mine. All in all, things seemed perfect. Then his exams came around. He’s a medical student, so I knew this period was gonna be difficult and overwhelming for him. I gave him a lot of space, words of encouragement, and took this time to also focus on my own work, friends, and interests. Over the phone, his affection and gratitude for me didn’t seem to reduce at all. To my surprise, the same frequency of messaging and calling that we had before, was taking place despite his exams. So as far as I was concerned, things were still going well. When his exams ended, he visited me (after a 3 week period of us not visiting). And although we still had good times, there was a definite shift in tone at times. I could feel that the honeymoon period had worn off a bit, that shit was getting real (because we had our first and in my opinion, premature, ‘serious relationship’ conversation surrounding the future – fact that I might have to leave the country next year, etc.) It seemed as though what I considered normal relationship talk, he considered as a negative energy/difficult conflict. But then we went on as usual and had a good time. The week right after that, I visited his city. Once again, the first part of that weekend was really fun and great. But, then, on the last day… conversations about past relationships came up. He asked me about my exes, how many there were, whether I was still in touch with any of them, and vice versa. The conversation was very upsetting for him. But he couldn’t tell me why and I couldn’t understand why (His past was practically the same, if not more eventful, and neither of us was in contact with our exes). He tried to hide being upset and said everything was okay; that he was just being insecure. And then when I traveled back to my city, he called me saying sorry for making me feel bad and that he hated hurting me. In the 2 weeks that followed, things were super blissful and sweet over the phone again. I visited him again, and nothing felt weird or wrong or anything. Until the week after… I got a call from my friend, telling me that she saw him on a dating app. I called him and asked him about it calmly (without telling him I was certain of the information and also without making accusations). He immediately admitted to it, saying that in all honesty, he did go on that app again to check things out for 5 minutes. But that he didn’t chat with anyone or open it again. He said he felt really sorry that I had to see that. I told him that I wanted to trust him, but that I would need a few days to myself to process in order to see if I could do that. He respected my need for space, and then when I re-initiated contact, he remained attentive (yet cautious of acting entitled to my affections) for some days. A few days later he called me…In this phone call, he would tell me how difficult the week was, how guilty he felt for what he did, and what I saw. And he asked me why I was willing to forgive him so easily? To this, I asked “Well, if what you said is true, that you were just dicking around on the app. Then it’s easier to forgive.” He then said that it wasn’t fair to me. To which I responded, “Well clearly you are feeling bad about something. Is there something lacking in this relationship for you? Is that why you went on the app in the first place?” To which he responded, “I think your feelings for me are stronger than mine is for you right now.” To which I said, “I know. I noticed it.” He then started crying, saying that our relationship moved too fast and that I deserved better than him. I was silent. Telling him, I could accept that my feelings were stronger for him and take a step back if he needed it. That I preferred him to go and figure out if he could be that person for me. But that if he was already convinced he could never have stronger feelings or that if something more sordid was going on (in my mind cheating) that he was right. And that that would warrant a break-up. He continued to cry and call himself a bad person. I remained emotionless, telling him that he wasn’t crying for me but for himself, to make himself feel better about this. He kept telling me that he had been dishonest with himself throughout our relationship that he was too selfish at this point in his life right now. That he respected me as a person, that my being was so precious, that he didn’t want to steal my chance at finding someone who could really love me in the future. Don’t get me wrong, I know I deserve better. I know I should move on and I intend to. But I can’t help but wonder whether he might think he made a mistake and walked away from something that could have been so good. Because as far as I’m concerned, he broke up with me because of a future assumption of his capacity to love (as a friking 23-year-old guy) and also assumed that I am more hurt by his lack of reciprocated feelings than I actually am. I didn’t care that I was more ready and my feelings had grown (at this point at least), I was still having a good time with him…
September 9, 2020 at 2:04 pm #366456anitaParticipant
- This topic was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by tinybuddha.
“Can a person who didn’t love you yet, who was experiencing ‘grass is greener syndrome’, feel like they might have made a mistake in leaving you before the relationship even had time to develop?”-I am having trouble understanding your question. Can you rephrase your question so that it is clear?
anitaSeptember 9, 2020 at 2:30 pm #366458MarieParticipant
All in all, there should be an understanding between two people that if you are going to be exclusive and starting something serious, nobody should be on a dating app/dating site, period and should be de-activated immediately if they are. I hope you find some clarity soon and peace.
Sending you love, positivity and light.September 9, 2020 at 5:24 pm #366471AnonymousInactive
Three months to be dating can’t be a deep love because it takes time to know one another for the true selves. You were just learning about him and his true personality. I think it is normal for people to date a few months and then decide to end it. This is about the time one decides it has no future. Nothing wrong with this, it is actually a good thing to call it off before more time is wasted. So no, I don’t see this as him having made a mistake to end it after just 3 months. This guy may be a “player” and just out to date people for short periods of time. The grass is always greener for some people. If he said this, “That he respected me as a person, that my being was so precious, that he didn’t want to steal my chance at finding someone who could really love me in the future.” SO- if he meant it with sincerity, well it sounds like he wanted the best for both you and him. I see truth in this statement. He wanted to stop dating you. You wanted to continue. It could be that in a few months you see the wisdom of his making this choice and are grateful that it has ended. I know someone who does this cycling in and out of relationships all the time, he uses people. Now I don’t know this young man but you can decide for yourself if he seems like a good person or if he seems like a user. I had to break up with this guy I really liked when we were 20, because he had denial about something that impacted our relationship. We could not move forward until he took action but he wouldn’t. I just knew we couldn’t go on as he was not right for me. I really liked this guy, did not love him yet, we dated about three months like you all and had a lot of fun. I knew we had to end it. I still think about him sometimes and yet I went on to find love several times. It just wasn’t meant to be a long term thing between us. Sometimes it is wiser to stop than to keep hanging on. You will find another person to like or even fall in love with. Kind of a bitter sweet thing but it is better than hanging on to hang on and finding oneself miserable.