This is the first time I’ve written about my last relationship, I’ve spoken about it to many people but never put it down in words. In my head, it’s not over (which I’ll cover in a bit) but putting into words my questions and worries gives it a bit of a finality to it and it’s terrifying.

I met someone this semester in school who blew my mind the minute he opened his mouth. I grabbed lunch with him a few minutes later and it was the best conversation I’ve ever had in my life. A few weeks after that, we started a beautiful relationship. It was the kind of relationship that I had pictured in my head and we had even thrown the word soulmates around a few times because whenever we spent time with each other it felt right. There was a slight bump in the road I thought we’d get through which was his upcoming graduation and inevitable flight back home but it didn’t concern us at the time until a few weeks ago. Just like that, our relationship was over after only a month. A month isn’t anything to some but to me, I found and lost my best friend in 30 days. We tried staying friends and hanging out but it’s gotten to the point where the harder I hold on, the more he tries to pull away. I have flashbacks to when I stayed over his house, watching bad TV and the look he’d have in his eye when I caught him staring. His eyes where the best part about him and now I can’t look anyone in the eye without comparing how much his sparkled compared to everyone else. He dealt with his own demons and I had to learn the hard way that I wasn’t there to fix it. I was ready to love him because it was what I think he needed but in the end, I’m the one who’s crying herself to sleep every other night. This boy, who knew he’d leave soon, saw me and loved me decided he’d take a gamble but opted out right before he’d have to take that leap. I understand his reasons, he’s going to be far far away from me but I feel like I don’t know him anymore and he still lives down the street from me. I went through all this because yes we were entirely right for one another but the timing was going to ruin what we had. I try my best to remember how the hell I would wake up in the morning before I met him and when I do I tear up. I don’t want to get over him because deep deep down I have this hope that maybe when I get out of school he’d be there (because he said he would a million times) but I don’t even know anymore.

I guess I’m posting because I haven’t felt that love in years and now that I’ve lost it, I feel like a lost a big part of myself. I’m shocked that one day you can think you found your other half to sitting by your phone waiting for a text that isn’t coming. I’m scared to love again because I can’t deal with anyone else becoming that important to me and then disappearing. I’m posting hoping that putting my thoughts out there could help in some kind of way. Any advice or stories help, thank you.