(when I have my “low” moment like now, I feel incredibly stupid… I feel so stupid that I think that I have some troubles when reading your REAL troubles… my sensitivity = stupidity.)

Of course, I don’t mind. You are all actually invited to join me! Thank you a lot for your kind words full of support. You made my day better.

(I’ll come later when I have more free time to add more and answer your posts)

Thank you, Anita, for your support and inspiration. I’ll continue with my thoughts soon. (It might take some time because most of my posts are delayed because of the process of approval… I sent one simple post three days back and it’s been still waiting for that approval… It’s a bit frustrating, honestly. 😄 )

(Nov 19, 12:38)

– My Fear of People –

Yesterday, I went to throw away plastic waste and met one old neighbour. She’s a 70-year-old lady who I had tried to make friends with for about 5 years. In the end I politely asked her not to contact us anymore after she verbally attacked my boyfriend.

I was confronted by her yesterday that I couldn’t leave the plastic bag outside the full trash bin when the forecast said that it was going to be very windy. I secured the bag and told her not to worry. She carried on with her outburst of anger. (her typical behaviour) I wished her a nice day and left with a smile.

I’ll make my notes of feelings here to remember what I need to work on.

• I automatically feel that I am the bad one
• I feel guilty
• I can keep my calm in the situation but after I take it home and think about it and I do feel fear of her
• it affects me and now I don’t want to go anywhere I could meet her –> I am restricting my freedom to move freely here in the village
• I hesitated to tell my partner who obviously felt that I wasn’t all right and wanted to give me comfort because I felt stupid and ashamed of being so weak

So much to work on.

Also, I need to make notes about the relationship with this lady because I feel that my tendencies were wrong all along. And I need to write it down here to remember that I must never put myself in this situation again.

• I knew that there was something wrong about her since the day number one and I was highly cautious around her… like my instincts were all on alert: “Be careful.”
• Still, I didn’t listen to my instincts and feelings but I told myself: “I should be more compassionate… I should help…”
• I ignored the warnings of other neighbours who told us that this lady isn’t someone we should trust. I told myself: “I shouldn’t judge.”
• I didn’t see the red flags, when she:
• was constantly very negative about others (and she was even more negative and loud when I tried to guide her to be more positive or at least neutral about others)
• gossiped others
• was “watching” all the time – she knew and wanted to know everything we did (I felt uncomfortable… as if I was under the watchful eye all the time)
• was critical all the time – anything we did or didn’t do was simply wrong
• blamed me for everything… for how I raised and trained our dog, for not being active and sociable, for not answering her phone when I was working… simply for everything and anything…
• didn’t like my boyfriend (because he can be brutally honest and he’s not afraid to put her in her place)
• I was afraid of her – or her unpredictable choleric nature – and I actually maintained the relationship with her out of fear and some false sense of being helpful (I really believed that I could help her to see the world more positively and that my company could make her happier) and not affection
• I was so happy and relieved when I finally get rid of her

I need to remember this. I am more mindful about it now. I won’t take care of anyone like this anymore. I can’t and I shouldn’t. I’ll take care of those who need me and want to be with me … and I have them in front of me everyday and I just let myself carry away because of this fear of these toxic people. I need to fix it for good. And I need to trust my feelings and instincts again (they were always right!)

(written on Nov 20, 2024 at 9:00)

Hello Helcat!

Thank you for your post as always! 🙂

“Do you think that she might have triggered some feelings from the past when you were bullied?”
– Honestly, I don’t think so. Or at least I am not aware of that now. Luckily, I managed to solve most of my emotional wounds connected to my childhood when I was working on my social phobia during my twenties. I can think about the specific moments of pain, specific people, specific situations and I don’t feel anything anymore. I just know that it was difficult for me, but it doesn’t trigger any strong emotional response. (I remember when I started with EFT and social phobia… I tried to bring back memories from the first time when a boy literally put the boot in me and I could feel the horror, fear, pain, shock inside me… I cried a lot processing this and I shivered just thinking about it again. It took me long time to “swallow” that I was beaten that hard by boys… today it is just a fact for me, I don’t feel anything anymore…) but … this is like something “new”, not directly connected to my childhood. I don’t know now actually.

I will come back later when I have more time and answer to you all more in your threads. Thank you for your support! And Helcat, be strong! I am thinking about you and your family. You will make it! It is just a test.

Hello Anita,

thank you for your insight. It helped me to think about it.

I understand that you imply that I put myself in the fawn role. It might be true (?), but I am getting better.

• I never tried to please her. I was willing to spend some time with her and keep her good company, but I tried hard to change her negative thinking. I never agreed with anything negative she said. I corrected her when she gossiped others and I simply said that I had to leave when she didn’t stop her behaviour. Actually, I tried to show her thousand times that if she keeps being like that, I wouldn’t be in her company anymore. I also tried to show her that her negativity and sudden shifts between excessive melancholy and agressiveness might be the reason why her ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, son and brother left her… I wanted to support her, not to please her.
• I do want to avoid conflicts but I know they are neccessary. The fact is that conflicts can be solved reasonably and calmly. This is why I didn’t agree with the other neighbour who fight against the landfill site here. Her way of solving conflicts includes arguing, creating drama, exerting pressure on others, manipulating others to fight for her side… that’s not for me. I want to solve conflicts, problems (if they exist) but as a reasonable and wise person. I don’t want to fall into this manipulation of others… or being a drama queen.
• I am willing to make sacrifice for people I love because they do not exploit me.

This is a note for me to remember / come back later to:

– My Fear of People –

What I find important is that I am able to stay calm and reasonable in the situation of conflict and I can solve it properly, but the problem is that I am troubled after the conflict. That’s what I need to work on. Now, after some introspection I think that it might be actually connected to my introversion… my “hangover” after intense contact.

I am afraid of people who are manipulative, who try to exert power and control over me by explaining how bad and wrong I am. This is the childhood trigger (thank you, Helcat). I have been always bad, wrong, strange for others = feelings of being “outcast”

I am more aware of theese poeple now. I know how to “detect” them = I need to listen to my instincs and feelings again. It is not true that others “know better” than me. I am more mindful about my feelings. There is still big contrast between my introversion, calm personality (which I actually really like and enjoy) vs expectation of these manipulative people. I don’t write “vs expectation of society” on purpose, because there are people who like me.

to do:
I have to shift my focus from others and external things to:

• my introversion
• those who love me and I love them
• mindfulness and meditation