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How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship When You’re Depressed

“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun, like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”  ~Fred Rogers

“Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.” ~Unknown

When you’re depressed, your perception about many things changes—so how does this affect your relationships?

I’m thinking about this today, because—drum roll please—I’m a little depressed.

Now I’m not depressed in the suicidal “I want to drive off the road” kind of way, but in the far less dramatic but still deeply unpleasant “mild to moderate” kind of way.  

For me, one of the most challenging aspects to feeling like this is that I don’t feel as connected as I normally do—with my friends, the world in general, and with my beautiful, kind, sweet, smart, sexy husband.

And this isn’t specific to me; this is what depression is, a lack of feeling.

When you’re depressed you can’t access feelings of self-love. And since the love you feel for others is a reflection of the love you feel for yourself, this is why you feel disconnected.

You have an intellectual understanding of the love you have for your girlfriend/mother/sister/boyfriend but you can’t feel it as much as you normally do.

Years ago during a time when I was depressed, crying and unhappy, a friend told me, “I can see you’re still feeling something—so you can’t be too depressed.”

And it’s true. The more depressed you are, the quieter your heart is. It’s like a continuum.

It’s not like you don’t have all the feelings in you; you just can’t feel them right now. Just in case you’re tempted to worry about not having feelings.

And this can be a problem in a relationship. One day you’re connected to yourself, and therefore your partner too, and the next day you don’t feel connected to anything.

When you’re depressed you misread situations; you perceive others as being critical of you.

But what you’re seeing is a reflection of what you’re thinking about yourself. It’s you that’s being critical of you. Not them being critical of you.

When you don’t understand what happens when you’re depressed and you listen to everything your depressed mind says, you can cause havoc in your relationship.

And this is why, when I’m depressed, I do something I don’t normally do: I keep my feelings to myself. And actually, they’re not my feelings; they’re just some rubbish going through my head, which I misconstrue for feelings.

If I feel irritated or hurt by something I think my husband has done, I don’t tell him.

Here’s an example: my husband says, “Pass me the salt” and I think he’s saying, “You’re a terrible cook,” and get mad at him for being unkind.

But he’s not; he’s just saying, “Pass me the salt.”

The salt scenario is made up, in case you were wondering, but the level of silliness is about right.

But I’m meant to share my feelings? Every website about depression I’ve been to says to talk to someone.

Yes. Well, there’s talking and then there’s talking.

Sharing with a loved one and/or health professional that you’re feeling depressed can be hugely helpful, and something I highly recommend.

But that’s another matter entirely from picking a fight over something that wasn’t real in the first place.

Because what’s to be gained by talking about something based on a misperception?

When you have a conversation with a drunk person, you have a drunken conversation; it doesn’t make sense.

And so it is when you talk to a depressed person you have a depressed conversation. And likewise, it’s often not logical.

In fact, depression can be almost as challenging for loved ones as it is for the person who is depressed.

Rather than respond to all the rubbish your mind is telling you, it can be more useful to take a step back and just notice what you’re thinking.

If you want to say something about how you’re feeling you could say something like “Oh sweetie, I’m feeling a bit flat tonight. My mind has some strange thoughts going through it. And I miss feeling connected with you.”

And when they ask what they are, don’t tell them.

No way.

I usually say something like, “Let’s not go into it. I’m pretty sure my head’s a little twisted right now, but if there is something to talk about, let’s do it when I’m feeling better.”

And do you know what? On the odd occasion where there is something to talk about, if I wait until I’m feeling better, its no big deal: I talk, he listens, we both talk, and done. That kind of conversation is just not possible for me when I’m feeling flat.

And then we cuddle. Because I like cuddling.

Result: You and your partner have some level of connection, you’ve honored your “flatness” by accepting it, and you’ve avoided a silly discussion based on a misperception.

But what if this isn’t just me being depressed; I mean I shouldn’t tolerate being treated badly?

Your mind may try to convince you that this incident you’re so mad about must be sorted out immediately. But before you do, ask yourself, is there a chance I’m a little flat?

Because if you are, there’s a good chance you’re reading the situation incorrectly.

A while ago I went out with a couple of friends. At the end of the evening, one friend took me aside and said, “Wow, Greg is being so critical tonight.”

Which seemed strange to me, since he was the one being critical. He thought Greg was critical of him, when really it was him being critical of himself.

And this is my point.

So how do you honor yourself when you’re depressed and give yourself the love and kindness you need without blowing up an otherwise loving relationship?

1. Don’t believe everything your mind says.

Your mind’s always telling you things that aren’t true, and this applies even more so when you’re depressed. The more you can differentiate between you and your mind, the easier this gets. See if you can step back and think, “Ah, look at what I’m thinking now.”

2. Don’t make assumptions.

Watch out for assumptions your mind is making. Look at what you’re mad about. Did they actually say that, or are you drawing conclusions yourself?

Chances are you’re just seeing a reflection of your own thoughts. And anyway, if anything your mind is telling you is real, it’ll still be there when you’re not feelings so flat, by which time any conversation you do have will be infinitely easier and more productive.

3. Connect with your loved one over the bigger picture.

Try sharing the bigger picture of how you’re feeling (“Honey I think I might be depressed”), rather than voicing your criticism of them. If there really is something bothering you, it’ll still be there when your depressed feelings have passed; and I promise you, it’ll be a whole lot easier to talk about it then!

4. Know that your mind is very convincing.

Your mind may think it is absolutely imperative that you bring up the issue. And you know what? You might still decide to. It’s your call. If you do find yourself in a discussion that you later regret, don’t worry about it; it’s all okay. It might be helpful to show this article to your partner.

5. This time will pass.

And even though you can’t feel it right now, you have all the calm and peaceful loving feelings inside of you.

Kind wishes and loving relationships to you!

Photo by tamakisono

Avatar of Lisa Esile

About Lisa Esile

Lisa is the author of "7 Secrets Your Mind Doesn't Want You To Know" which you can download for free at her website. Lisa grew up in New Zealand and now lives in Venice, California with her husband.

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  • Jennifer Hourani

    I definitely agree with the approach of taking a step back and detaching yourself from your depressed thought patterns. The analogy of drunk people/drunken conversations definitely struck me, because sometimes, drunken people do admit things that were locked in a vault; not saying I condone that behavior, but do you think when we’re depressed, our mind – though it’s in a negative state – is also communicating something we are hiding from ourselves in our conscious, more peaceful states? Things we haven’t addressed, like insecurities or thought patterns that we subdue, instead of conquer? And that by working on those things in “sober” time, or happier times, we can slowly decrease the amount of times we feel depressed?

    And I also agree that sometimes it helps to just acknowledge how you’re feeling, rather than fall into the black hole of describing it or blaming it on people around you. It’s not always easy but you seem to be handling it very well. You and your husband are awesome to actively maintain such an open and understanding relationship.

    Thank you so much for sharing Lisa :)

  • Lisaesile

    Hi Jennifer, thanks for your comment and question … regarding whether our mind, when we’re depressed, is trying to communicate something – my thoughts on this are, no. I mean, our mind is always trying to tell us things, but most of the time it doesn’t know what it’s talking about! The challenge is that our mind is so convincing.

    We live in a world that’s very ‘heady’, and by that I means, a world that encourages us to analyze our thoughts; a world that teaches us that we are our thoughts. So we’ve become accustomed to listening to our mind and worrying about what it’s telling us, and wondering if we should be doing more, analyzing our thoughts and so on.

    Often the state of being depressed is a time when our inner wisdom ‘bubbles up,’ but this isn’t coming from the mind. I talk about this in another article I wrote for Tiny Buddha about depression, which you might find helpful,
    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/understanding-and-lifting-depression-5-helpful-attitudes. And I have a book you can download which talks about the true nature of the mind, which also goes into this in more detail.

    I have got better at this kind of thing, but it’s still pretty challenging and unpleasant sometimes. Once you and your partner are on the same page, it’s much easier though. Have you read Richard Carlson’s book, called ‘You Can Be Happy No Matter What? I only discovered it last week and have been telling people flat stick about it.

    Warm wishes and thanks again, Lisa.

  • Nikki A

    Wow Lisa! This was on point for me this dreary Monday morning. Much needed and very insightful. I found myself struggling with reacting emotionally to an insensitive teacher of my son and really I have to literally remind myself that sometimes the things that cause anger or hurt to well up within me may only have to do with my struggle with depression and anxiety. Thank you for making me feel not so alone. :)

  • M Sonnier

    This is so relevant right now. Great post! :-)

  • Jenni

    Thank you so much, Lisa. I’ve been struggling with this, and to read someone else’s beautiful interpretation and advice is so helpful.

    The cycle starts at work: I’ve been feeling uninspired, which leads to general discouragement and “grayness.” As you described, it’s more a lack of feeling than anything else. I’m finding it very hard to show love to my boyfriend, or even to be happy for him at times when I’d normally be his biggest cheerleader. And because I feel like a horrible girlfriend, I get more down on myself.

    Thank you for reminding me not to listen to my distorted thoughts. Acknowledge, move on, and forget.

  • Sabrina

    This summarizes my current situation perfectly. I have had similar arguments to the salt one you described above. Thanks for helping me see things from a different point of view! This is definitely just the advice I was needing.

  • Katherine

    Hi Lisa, I really enjoyed your article. It was like it was written for me! So many bells rang true, and it helps to see things from this angle. Espcially the salt example! Thanks so much for sharing your mind. Katherine, Auckland NZ

  • Lisaesile

    Hi Katherine, NZ! Nice to hear from home:)

    And thanks for your comments.. Interesting to see that you and others resonate with the salt example – such a funny thing our mind sometimes. Pleased you liked the angle. Have a nice day, hope the weather is better in Auckland this week than last!

  • Lisaesile

    Thanks Sabrina, my pleasure! Go well:)

  • Lisaesile

    Hi Jenni,

    Thanks so much for your comments. Yep – it can be tricky all right. But once you understand you still ARE his biggest cheerleader, but that you just can’t feel it right now, you will probably find the ‘flatness’ lifts more quickly. I know I do.

    I’m also tempted to feel like a bad wife too, so I just add it to the list of things my mind is telling me that I’m not going to listen to!

    If you do decide to try this way, I’d love to know how you go. Best wishes Lisa. X

  • Lisaesile

    Thank you and kind wishes to you:)

  • Lisaesile

    Hi Nikki,
    Ah cool – pleased to hear it hit the spot! Have a great afternoon:)

  • Jorge

    What a great article. I so enjoyed it cause it is truly something we rather bury than understand its nature. Gracias Lisa.

  • cath

    Thanks for your article. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I’m very lucky in that my partner is being so supportive and giving me space in a way that I need. Your words about realising that your depressed thoughts can be squewed is so true. I’ve learnt with my depression and anxiety that when the thoughts come, I try to ‘review’ them and work out whether they’re rational. Doesn’t always work, but it’s helped me feel calmer.

  • http://www.3speedlife.com/ Joanna Weston

    Great article! I absolutely agree about the importance of recognising that our perceptions and judgements are skewed during depression. I loved the salt example! There is one thing I would add, though. In my experience (which is, of course, mine alone and not necessarily applicable to everyone else) it can be helpful for me to tell my husband what I am thinking. So, if I were involved in your salt example, I might say “Huh. My depression must really be acting up tonight. It has me half convinced that you were saying that I’m a terrible cook!” This allows me to voice my thought without succumbing to it and gives my husband a chance to reassure me instead of defending himself. I’m sure that wouldn’t work in every relationship, but I have personally found it very helpful.

  • Terri

    This is the most applicable piece I have read in a very long time. Yes, thank you for reminding me that just because I think it, that doesn’t mean it’s true. Or that it must be addressed.

  • kammie

    Wow this article is very helpful and I can relate to it completely. The mind is very ambitious sometimes but we must always have the awareness or solving problems in a calm manner.

  • Lisaesile

    Yep, you’re certainly not alone. In fact, while this article is for ‘depression’ it applies to anyone who has a ‘low’ or ‘bad’ mood too – which is everyone. Not always easy, I agree.

    Thanks for your kind words and for contributing to the discussion:)

  • Lisaesile

    Thanks for saying. And it is my pleasure!

  • Lisaesile

    Thank you. It is nice to be reminded isn’t it. I like to be too. Our mind is so convincing sometimes!

  • lv2terp

    These are great statements that you made….”When you’re depressed you misread situations; you perceive others as being critical of you. But what you’re seeing is a reflection of what you’re thinking about yourself. It’s you that’s being critical of you. Not them being critical of you.” Really great points, and tips!!! :) Thank you for this post, fantastic!!!

  • Lisaesile

    Yep – or waiting until we feel calm! Thanks so much for your comment and kind words!

  • Rachael Tiow

    Lisa Esile: This is such an amazing post and it arrived at such a timely manner!
    I’ve been quite stress over my work and I feel the stress leaking into my relationship with my partner. It’s so conflicting and confusing…because I know I love her and want to be in her presence, but I feel as though I want to seclude myself.

    But, your article cleared the air for me and have provided very useful tips! I will be using them, as a matter of fact, I already am. :D
    I am so grateful and can’t thank you enough!
    ~ Namaste…Rachael :D

  • Nidia

    Excellent article!!!!

  • Lisaesile

    That’s great to hear, thank you for telling me. Really am pleased there was something useful in the article. Warm wishes from me to you! X Lisa

  • Lisaesile

    My pleasure! Thanks for your comment!

  • vidhyasagar

    tanku very very very much this article s awwwwwwwwwweeeesssssoooooommmmeeeee and tankx alot 4 making me understand….

  • katie

    I am living this right now. It’s a very new feeling for me. It’s been so difficult to put into words and I feel like I beat myself up a little each day. I feel horrible for my incredibly kind husband…and I am lucky that he is so beautiful and supportive. I have been blaming my circumstances and surroundings for the emotions I have been feeling, and while they play a huge part, I am responsible for how I react and treat others. Thank YOU for sharing this, very best to you. to all.

  • Claudia

    Thank you for this! It hit me you have no clue on how well!!! Marriage is the toughest thing I have ever gone thru.the battles don’t stop and keep on coming.i will try my hardes to keep all of this in mind.Thankyou!!!!!!! Claudia

  • Guest

    My girlfriend

  • Alex

    Thanks for this post Lisa! Very well written, relevant and true. I love the examples you put in and the way you put your own experiences in, which I probably may have experienced similarly in one stage or another in my life/relationship. These tips will surely help.

  • Teah

    Thank you. I think, I needed to read this. I’ve thought for a while now that i’m probably pretty depressed, and now i’m pretty sure. Thank you. I think it’s time I try to heal now.

  • Steph

    Hi Lisa! This helped me a lot! My boyfriend is feeling (what I think) exactly the same way, so understanding that he’s not the only one has put me at ease.
    He keeps pushing me away and says he needs time to himself to think if this relationship is what he wants, and we actually broke up. He said exactly, if I can’t love myself, I can’t put myself to love anyone else and that I don’t deserve this, and I should want more for myself… I shouldn’t wait for him and being on a “break” is exactly that. It’s been really difficult on me. I’m trying to say that I’m waiting for him, giving him space, and we can work through it together. It’s a working progress but I’m scared of losing him.
    Did you ever try and push your husband away? I can’t get it through his head that I want to be a part of his life while he tries to figure this out. He keeps saying that if I were there, all he would do is push me away. So glad you’ve found a way to make it work! Definitely an inspiration!
    Thanks again for your post! :)

  • Alex

    Thank you very much for writing this, it’s helped me a lot and I’ve woken up recently :D

  • K.M

    Hi there, I was just wondering if you ever have trust issues with your husband? My partner and I have a great relationship together except nearly every time I go out with friends/family he thinks I must be doing something that I am not telling him and sends me horrible texts while I am out about me cheating or something ridiculous. He can get very angry about it and it can result in big arguments. After hes cooled off he then tells me he knows Im not doing anything and does trust me but things go through his mind at the time and he just forgets. It really is a struggle and it hurts to know he is feeling this way about me and that he has those thoughts. How can I help him? I shouldn’t have to and will not limit contact with my closest friends because of this as I am not doing anything wrong but I don’t want him to feel that way when we are not together.

  • Molly-Rollick

    This article has really helped me. My boyfriend recently confessed to me that he has been secretly fighting depression for the last 10 years – it runs in his family. He has never spoken about it to anyone nor has he ever got any help. I’ve always suspected something was ‘up’ with him as he is very self deprecating, seems to constantly be distracted or worried about things and has ‘episodes’ where he becomes very detached and will isolate himself – ie: not answer his phone/go surfing for a couple of days by himself. The problem i have in dealing with him, is that his negative thinking impacts on the time we have together – we can spend a lovely weekend together full of laughter, then suddenly he will go quiet and become distracted and say that there’s tension between us, and he’s having doubts. It makes me really upset because i know that it’s just his depression making him see things negatively, and his self deprecation telling him that he’s unlovable – rather than an actual problem with our relationship – I just wish I could make him see that we have a beautiful relationship and he just needs to relax and enjoy it rather than constantly thinking about the negatives. I worry that he will just let his depression get the better of him and he will throw away what we have, he tells me i’m the most important person in his life but then 3 days later when he’s feeling down i barely get a kiss out of him. Does anyone know the best way to cope/reassure/deal with someone like this? He says he’s going to get help because he doesn’t want to live like this, but I just worry that he won’t get round to it in time and he will self sabotage our relationship.

  • kholynn82

    Hi KM,
    Maybe I can share with you about my experience. I’m the one who acted like your husband and got all crazy and ‘possessive’ when he goes out. I now understand its my own insecurities. Your husband needs to do with that issue on his own. What you could support him is once in a while invite him to your gatherings so he could see who you with and what u normally do when he wasn’t around. The mind is truly powerful in telling us things to ‘prove’ our fears are right. I’ve been cheated on before and I fear it might happen again and my mind just gone crazy on me.

  • Janelle D

    Thank you SO MUCH! I have been going through this the past couple nights (and in past relationships too, but I didn’t have this article then) and have felt so guilty for just not being able to smile and feel happy and love my boyfriend as I know that I do to my very core…he is away on base, a Marine, and I sometimes just fake smiles so that I don’t lower his morale, but even then, he loves me too and can tell something’s amiss. I’m so glad you posted this because I could finally explain to him in simple words what I couldn’t before. I hope that now it won’t be so difficult to handle since we know the problem and can address it (or rather, address it by NOT addressing the unhappy thoughts and feelings, but by waiting until I feel better then talking out any problems if they even occur).
    This really helped me. Thank’s again
    <3

  • Lilly

    Hey Lisa!

    I ‘m so happy I found your article because you’re discribing myself exactly when I feel like this and the way I see my precious partner. I keep reading it in order to get some help and it really does help but, as you say, our minds are really convincing, there are times that the depressing thoughts come and I am trapped again in the same situation. The only thing that slightly changes it is that my father always has the tendency to speak up his accusations of me which are the very thoughts my mind makes up and makes me feel worse. The reason is that someone else is stating as facts the very worst thoughts I have in my head. And all these have to do with my husband. I don’ t know how to handle that and I am trying to read something similar to your article for those situations. I would appreciate if you had something in mind… [mind, again!]

    In any case, thank you very much.

    Lilly

  • Dominic Rose

    This was really insightful and very helpful.
    Thank you very much =]

  • Tyler

    This literally was one of the most amazing and useful articles I’ve ever read on the internet. Virtually every section applied to me and how I relate to myself and my significant other in our relationship. Thank you so much for sharing and helping me feel that I’m not a crazy person for thinking the things my mind creates. I just have to start not listening to my mind when it creates non-existent problems and misconstrues my partner’s true feelings towards me.

  • Heartbroken

    My Ex BF is going through his own dark issues as well, it got to the point i could see something had died in him, i could see he was just going through the motions and really trying to make an effort to be with me and to feel something, but i think it just all got too much for him. I know he loved me and what we had was just amazing. But just cannot be not right now. I was there in the initial stages but when he says he feels nothing and that i deserve better, I knew he was struggling because he couldn’t be the BF i know he can be towards me. He was hurting, I was hurting. I love him to bits and hope he finds himself and what he truly wants in life. Tears have been shed on both sides. They say if you love someone to set them free, if they return you know it’s meant to be. I hope he realises the decision I made was not an easy one but necessary one for him to work through his issues and for me not to get dragged down and we end up hating and resenting each other for forcing him into a relationship he could not handle right now, He can’t talk to me about his issues it’s all too much but he getting help. I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision to step back.

  • Jess Jayne

    Hi there. I am having huge issues right now. 7 days ago I told my boyfriend that no matter what happens, he will always have a special place in my heart. Immediately he thought I was about to break up with him, and I reassured him “Of Course Not!!!” The next morning I woke, BANG! I didn’t feel any love for him. It has been 6 days. I feel no love for anyone or anything. I feel totally deflated, and it is slowly driving me insane. Many have come and said it’s clear that I still love my boyfriend, some have said I didn’t give it enough time before I got with him for my last relationship to heal, some tell me I am just using him so I won’t be lonely.. These are ALL things that my mind has also told me. I am really struggling to know what to really believe, because I feel so disconnected. Everytime I hold my boyfriend it feels like such a lie, but I get the impulse to hold him quite often. I continue to research online about what I am going through. I suffer with anxiety disorder, and up until now, I had no idea about depression. Many have said that I am suffering with classic symptoms of it. All I know is, I fell head over heels when I first met him. We clicked and connected instantly. He is EVERYTHING I have ever wanted in a man and a boyfriend. He has just a couple of flaws but they seem to be standing out, and hiding his really positive qualities, even though these are things that happened a couple of months ago. We have spoken about them while I have been feeling depressed, but before I was feeling depressed these things were not even thought of. We have been together for 7 months. I can’t imagine life without him in it. I just want to laugh again. He always made me laugh, but since I have been feeling like this, I find him irritating. I can’t find anything that he says or does funny, nor anyone else for that matter. I feel totally disconnected from everyone. Your post has helped in some way, I just want to feel better again and feel love again, and hold my boyfriend whole heartedly without feeling so wrong about it.

  • Lola

    This is so accurate. Thank you

  • Alexandra

    I don’t think I very much agree with the latter half of this article — mainly because there is too much grey area. The minute we start invalidating our arguments and feelings by saying we’re “not in the right mind,” the more other people will start to invalidate them, too. Even when we feel perfectly fine.

    At that point, I think we would not know what argument is considered “valid” and what is considered “ridiculous.” Self esteem, especially in depressed people, would eventually spiral further and all feelings would seem ridiculous.

    I know this from experience.

    I guess the argument stems from whether or not depression inflicts real feelings on us. I believe they’re genuine. Depression does not have to be a disease; yes, in some people there are lower serotonin levels, but we don’t have to treat it as such. All great geniuses, artists, writers, musicians and actors were depressed. Depression births complex thought and beauty. They are true feelings that can’t be ignored, and the more you ignore an emotion the more it will fester. You may be the type of person that can put aside things easily; many of us can’t, unfortunately, and if we do, it’s not emotionally healthy.

    I also think your article is a bit conflicting in the sense that in the beginning you referenced a quote about loving someone regardless of all things, and then you conclude by saying we need to repress our emotions when we feel down because “it’s hard for our loved ones.” I really don’t think we really need to consider tour loved ones at all, be it that we aren’t treating them poorly. We have no obligation towards anyone.

  • Moving on-finally

    I lost my boyfriend of two years to depression. I held on for nearly eight months hoping he’d return. I would contact him here and there. But since June he has said he misses me etc but he does nothing about it. I’m heartbroken but healing. I have to move on. I used to feel hopeful when he said these things but now I just feel bitter and think “well you won’t do anything about it ” I miss him bit I can no longer hold on to nothing. I am positive I lost my soulmate to this darkness. What a shame. He was a great man and we had something very special.

  • Rebecca

    The mind is a very powerful thing that can convince us about things that aren’t true. I do love my boyfriend and I want to make sure that my depression does not get in the way of our relationship. I also found that it impacted my work relationships and my friendships as well. But these coping methods that you mentioned will help me in the long run. Thank you for writing this article!

  • Amy

    I just found this and I thought that I was completely going insane before I found it. My fiancée and I were having trouble because of my constant assumptions of things that were triggering this kind of reaction out of me. it was over things that had happened in the past and I wouldn’t think twice about, but recently it just exploded inside of me. I knew it wasn’t my fiancée. I even knew he wasn’t trying to hurt me or make me second guess situations. But I could never really understand why my mind would convince me that it was such a terrible thing. I do feel like an asshole for causing so much conflict with him over the little things. But now that I can realize that it’s my depression (I was diagnosed at 6 with it but the meds never work) I can try to find ways to cope with it to save my relationship and future marriage. Tonight im going to be open with him about this and hopefully he will understand.

  • Dgoldmine

    Thank you for writing this and sharing it! You just helped me open a whole new way of understanding myself when I feel a bit down. I think I will be able to keep this stuff in mind next time I’m convinced everything is absolutely horrid without any fix in the world. <—Melodramatics make me laugh :)

    Thanks again!

  • Emily

    Thank you for posting this :)
    I feel odd and disconnected from my boyfriend when I’m depressed and then crazy thoughts go through my head like, ‘what if we just don’t have chemistry anymore?’ Or ‘what if he thinks differently of me’. When in reality his feelings haven’t changed one bit and he’s just trying I help me through it the best he can. Knowing that it’s okay to keep those dumb thoughts in my head is comforting.

  • Jordana

    Finding this article is perfect timing, I lost my job recently and am struggling with what to do next, and my boyfriend of 8 months is feeling the side effects of my disconnected/distracted presence. I couldn’t explain to him how I was feeling, and didn’t really want to, but reading this really put things into perspective for me and so I sent it to him and it helped him (and me!) feel a lot better about where we are right now. Thank you so much.

  • Andie

    Thank you for writing this wonderful post. My boyfriend and I were going through some difficult times recently. He’s had depression for years now, and I was friends with him before we got together romantically (so I was fully aware of what to anticipate by being involved with him). We’ve survived through constant medication changes (which resulted in erratic mood swings), full-blown panic attacks that turned physical, and even a family death (on his side). I feel as if he’s getting a lot better now.. but sometimes, when we argue, one of the first or lasting things he does is to try to push me away. He tells me that I should “just go find someone else that’s more perfect” for me, or that “nothing he does is enough”. These fights sometimes spark from just small fights of stupid things. But I know why he’s upset. He thinks that his depression is holding him back, and that whenever he screws up with me, that this is a reflection on himself, that he can’t do anything right. He tells me to “break up” because he’s scared that I’ll eventually get tired of his crap and leave in the future… which isn’t going to happen, but he suggests the break-up so he has control over the situation. The reason behind that is because his brother died from cancer a few years back when he was in high school, and he never got over it. He thinks that it’s his fault that he died, and that everyone who gets close to him will just either leave him or get hurt. This lack of control for him drives him insane, and he lashes out on me whenever we fight from this insecurity.

    I’ve sent him this article, and hopefully, he will read this. I’ve found that a lot of the things you’ve written ring true, and I appreciate your kind of honesty. I’ve been depressed, myself, back in high school so I can somewhat relate to what he is feeling right now. I just hope that he can just breathe and take a step back whenever we fight about something small, and just try to recognize that the voice inside of his head is lying a lot of those times and it’s trying to sabotage what we have. Thank you for writing this article, it means a lot.

  • Carolyn

    Great article! I think for those of you who were concerned about holding feelings in, it is good to remember that you aren’t at all repressing. You would be acknowledging your current mood and not necessarily giving all the minute details. By giving yourself some time or distance from the scenario you can decide later with a clearer head. I think Lisa nails this topic.

  • Kera

    This is something I’d been wondering about for the past few months as I felt occasionally depressed and anxious, and your post hits the nail on the head! I felt so inspired and understood that it pulled me right out of my “flatness” and I immediately shared it with my boyfriend. I just want to acknowledge you for the help you’ve provided, in this moment and I’m sure for many other flat moments to come. Thank you!!!

  • MMINNIME

    I am having real trouble wit my boyfriend. He is such a lovely person and will do anything for you but I think there is problems, I met my boyfriend 15 months ago. He moved in after 3months and things were ok. He has has a bad relationship and so have I. I get on great with his 3 boys and he gts on with my daughter which is fab. The only problem is he doesnt come to bed at night. He said he is scared to go to sleep, he also hasnt slept with me for 5 months. He says he loves me and it isnt me. He says he cannot get an erection and it doesnt make hom a man. He is quite a big drinker too, but is so quiet without a drink. Ihave tried challenging him on several occasion as I am getting quite frustrated. I really do not know what to so as everything else in life is perfect. He says he doesnt feel good about himself and sometime doesnt bnother showering and watches tv all night. He seems to have a phobia of coming to bed and i feel so un loved. He also says sometimes he has a black heart but wants to sort it out. He loves the life we have the everything tht goes with it but is struggling with the relationship side of it. I am at the end of my tether. Both of us are so loyal too.

  • Matt

    This was such a helpful article, thank you. I have become depressed and diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. And after a panic attack, I all of a sudden felt like I “have to divorce from my wife.” But it’s just my depressed/anxious body going into fight or flight mode, when deep down I know I love her more than anything and that this depression will pass and our happy lives will return!

  • MirandaM

    Completely relatable for me right now.
    Thank you!

  • Feeling Better

    Thank you so much for writing this article. I’m already feeling a little better. I’ve found that talking to your loved one and asking for some reassurance really helps depression. I guess it was just the rainy day keeping me down, but this article will surely help for future depression.

  • Suicide_season

    I don’t know if it’s the right place to post but, I’ve been with my girlfriend a little over a year, she is the first person I believe I have fell in love with however, shortly after getting into a relationship with her I became anxious and depressed due to feeling I was inadequate for her because everybody I have ever got close too has fucked me over some way, via ‘trusting’ them then they spread stuff and I got bullied. My ex who wasn’t much kinda cheated on me. I got talking to my girlfriend now and she meant the world to me but again back to the start of it I also became very numb and I continued to keep feeling numb and so on.. Me and my girlfriend have always argued but we know we had amazing times and we adored each other. However December just gone before my birthday, I felt really numb and just felt I didn’t love her at all but it didn’t feel like before, it felt like I didn’t want her anything.. Which has led to me attempting suicide, I self-harm and stuff because I do not feel anything for her and I really want to because she is so amazing and deep down I know I really love her, I have never felt like I have belonged anywhere before, but with her i really do. But recently I feel nothing again.. I almost broke up with her for not feeling anything and I keep fighting because I feel if I left her, I’d regret it. And she just seems like I want her to stay in my life, for a long time. I am never positive because I wake up hoping my feelings will come back in the morning but they just don’t and i have been like this for so long, that I’m not sure if I want to be with her or love and it’s really depressing me.. I need help so bad like I need someone to tell me the truth about ‘us’ as in how I really do feel so I can think that, because nobody has ever told me anything positive but my girlfriend so please answer. I’m 17 you may be thinking just a teenager, but I want to kill myself because she means everything to me and I feel nothing

  • shannon

    thank you so much :) i love this. i feel these exact ways i laugh and hang with him but the words love are confusing right now <3

  • Guest

    My boyfriend is very depressed. We haven’t been together for that long, and when he is at his worst he says he can’t see me anymore, and can’t drag me into it, but I know what he is like when he’s not having a bad day, and I know that person is still there. On bad days I think, what am I doing, because it stresses me out so much worrying about him. But I know that when he gets through this, we could really have something great, because we have so much in common. We connected straight away, and it’s like we’ve known each other much longer than we actually have. When he says he doesn’t know whether to be with me, I feel guilty for talking him round because I don’t want to be the reason he is worse if he really doesn’t want a relationship, but when we’re together, he seems to improve, and it seems like he really wants to be with me. I find it very confusing, but all I can do right now is be there for him, and be someone to talk to. He has to help himself now. I just hope he does because I don’t want to give up on him.

  • cynthia334

    hello everyone this really worked and i am proud to testify also. i saw a post on how a lady got her husband back and i decided to try this prophet that helped her because my relationship was crashing. this prophet helped me and my relationship is now perfect just as he promised my husband now treats me like a queen even when he had told me before he doesn’t love me anymore. well, i can not say much but if you are passing through difficulties in your relationship try him here is his email prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com of a truth he really helps again his email his prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com

  • No one

    Dear Lisa, after reading your article, it is what exactly happening to my partner. My partner is withdrawing from people. Wanted to die and that thinking doesnt deserve to be loved, feeling all the love is a burden. I dont know what else I can say…
    She has seen the counsellor before and the counsellor said she is refusing to face herself.

  • aspiringsage

    Great article, when I slip into depression the mind really starts to question my compatibility and chemistry with my partner. It’s presents such convincing and seemingly important arguments about why we don’t belong together. Is that really true? Or is it the depressed mind speaking? It can definitely be hard to sort out what is reliable perceptions and what is a severely skewed mind hampered by depression and lack of feeling. I like how the article mentioned how to wait to have a clear mind and then see if the nagging doubt is still there…

  • harry

    My name is harry davies, I am happily married with two kids and a
    beautiful wife but something terrible happened to my family along the
    line, I lost my job and my wife packed out of my house because I was
    unable to take care of her and my kids at that particular time. I manage
    all through for four years until I cannot cope with the situation
    again, so I searched on the internet for any help about getting back my
    family and job, but I came across so many testimonies, so I decided to
    Try the great igbaje of (igbajesolutionpalace@gmail.com) who attended to me and
    instructed me on things to do which I did with faith and within 12
    hours, my office called and gave me back my work on after three days, my
    wife came back with my kids and apologized for her actions.
    am forever grateful to igbajesolutionpalace@gmail.com

  • Lindsay Altman

    Thank you for this article. This is a very fair and helpful way yo approach depression.

  • Carly

    Hi Lisa. I’m so glad I found a way to get in touch with you and I hope so much that you don’t mind me emailing… I bet you get this all the time but I’m sure it’s a great feeling for you to know how greatly received your words are and how they comfort so many people.

    My name’s Carly and I’m from the UK. Today has been a particularly difficult day and I stumbled across some of your posts amidst all of the unhelpful and often, heartless, “advice” I read online about managing depression within a relationship. It’s a breath of sweet, fresh air to read your words as I feel your struggle so close to my own heart and your words spoke volumes to me. Volumes that had my reaching for a pen and paper to note down your wonderful insight and advice.

    My dear boyfriend suffers heavily with depression and when he is feeling “flat” (as you say) it is heartbreaking to feel so disconnected and far away from him. I carry the weight of his burden as if it were my own and spend the silent days waiting for his return from his sometimes, cruel, mind back to me. I sought so much comfort in your explanations and feel incredibly emotional as I write this because I finally feel as though I’ve read something of true value to aid my deeper understanding. It’s as if your words were his and it all makes a lot more sense to me now.

    Thank you so much. I can’t wait for him to be feeling “fizzy” (opposite of your “flat”!) so I can share this with him. And I can’t wait to take what I’ve learned and be the best I can for him. We’ve been struggling along for 2 and a half years and I’m serious when I say this is the best thing I’ve read in exploring the deep meanings behind depression and relationships and the effects it can have.
    What a difference a day makes, as they say, or a post online in this case.

    Sorry for rambling! Thank you again.
    With much love and light,

    Carly.

  • Carly

    Hi Lisa. I’m so glad I found a way to get in touch with you and I hope so much that you don’t mind me emailing… I bet you get this all the time but I’m sure it’s a great feeling for you to know how greatly received your words are and how they comfort so many people.

    My name’s Carly and I’m from the UK. Today has been a particularly difficult day and I stumbled across some of your posts amidst all of the unhelpful and often, heartless, “advice” I read online about managing depression within a relationship. It’s a breath of sweet, fresh air to read your words as I feel your struggle so close to my own heart and your words spoke volumes to me. Volumes that had my reaching for a pen and paper to note down your wonderful insight and advice.

    My dear boyfriend suffers heavily with depression and when he is feeling “flat” (as you say) it is heartbreaking to feel so disconnected and far away from him. I carry the weight of his burden as if it were my own and spend the silent days waiting for his return from his sometimes, cruel, mind back to me. I sought so much comfort in your explanations and feel incredibly emotional as I write this because I finally feel as though I’ve read something of true value to aid my deeper understanding. It’s as if your words were his and it all makes a lot more sense to me now.

    Thank you so much. I can’t wait for him to be feeling “fizzy” (opposite of your “flat”!) so I can share this with him. And I can’t wait to take what I’ve learned and be the best I can for him. We’ve been struggling along for 2 and a half years and I’m serious when I say this is the best thing I’ve read in exploring the deep meanings behind depression and relationships and the effects it can have.
    What a difference a day makes, as they say, or a post online in this case.

    Sorry for rambling! Thank you again.
    With much love and light,

    Carly.

  • Shazia Khan

    I today found your words very encouraging . I am struggling with depression almost all through my adult life . Married for twenty years but my husband has told me that he is 99% ready to divorce me . Whatever you said is just totally correct in my case although I thing now it’s to late to save my marriage . He has lost all trust on me . I have asked him to forgive me so many times that it’s of no use! But atleast today I finally found out that I was not doing it on purpose

  • Mandy Divanna

    !!! How To Get Your husband Back & Avoid Divorce !!!

    My name is Silvia Queen from USA. i want to use this opportunity to thank great DR. UKAKA who really made my life a pleasurable one today. He brought my husband back to me, i had a lovely baby boy for my husband, about a year ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my child thought he would never see his father again. i tried to be strong just for the my our son but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i shouldn’t worry about it at all so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man phone number and his email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just 24 hours and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after 24 hours i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely son are happy. that why i want to say a big thank you to DR. UKAKA, This great man made me to understand that there is no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him: freedomlovespell@hotmail.com
    Once again contact him via email:
    freedomlovespell@hotmail.com
    ..

  • Dumez Gracy

    Hello every one i am Gracy Dumez a German citizen but with my family here i Canada, i had some problems in my marriage because thought i keep some secrets from him before we get married and i was unable to get pregnant because my husband hate it to sex with me that again develop to my filter problem but before we get married he so much love me and i love him as much so i decide to search for a solution on marriage site and from friends and i find so many spiritual doctors then i contacted three of them one after the other but they all disappointed me till my family seeks for divorce and he happily divorce me because he already find another lady. so while i was alone with pains i still look for solution every where till a meet with a friend of mine that just came from Germany then she direct me to this site where i read about Dr oshogumspelltemple@live.com on how he solve marriage, relationships, family , healing and so many testimony about then me and my friend decide to contact despite i he told me about the materials that i must provide i just have to do all that he told me because of what other persons said about him. three days after we have done all he ask me to do, he said he have done everything i did not know how it will work because i could even contact my husband again he already block but i was so sup-rice Hashberg call our home line to ask of me. well we are happily married now with one kids but expecting another one soon. My dear contact oshogumspelltemple@live.com if you have any problem that give you pain. contact oshogumspelltemple@live.com today he is helpful and excellent

  • Alex Williams

    This was amazing. I have to send it to my boyfriend because it’s not so much that I don’t understand my depression, it’s that he doesn’t. It’s hard for me because I know when I’m ‘flat’ I try to keep quiet, some days are harder than others, but when I try to explain that to him, he gets angry and upset. This post definitely hit the points that I try to tell him but can’t put to words. Thank you.

  • Mandy Divanna

    !!! How To Get Your husband Back & Avoid Divorce !!!

    My name is Silvia Queen from USA. i want to use this opportunity to thank great DR. UKAKA who really made my life a pleasurable one today. He brought my husband back to me, i had a lovely baby boy for my husband, about a year ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my child thought he would never see his father again. i tried to be strong just for the my our son but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i shouldn’t worry about it at all so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man phone number and his email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just 24 hours and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after 24 hours i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely son are happy. that why i want to say a big thank you to DR. UKAKA, This great man made me to understand that there is no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him: freedomlovespell@hotmail.com
    Once again contact him via email:
    freedomlovespell@hotmail.com

  • Mandy Divanna

    !!! How To Get Your husband Back & Avoid Divorce !!!

    Thank you Dr UKAKA I never knew I could be happy again cause my life turned in a mess by a guy named martins, cause the love I had for him was incomparable, I loved him with all my heart but he dumped me just because of a girl from a wealthy family, ever since then I have never been my self cause I love martins and think of him every seconds of my life so I cant just let him go like that cause I think he is the love of my life, so I decided to go on research on net on how to get lost lover back. At yahoo blog that was how I saw a lady who testified the great things which dr ukaka did for her after reading I was convinced to give a try to dr ukaka to see if he can help me also. So that was how I contacted him and told him my problem. So when I told him my problem he just told me not to worry that I will have martins back within 24 hours if I can come up with the necessary things which he needed, so I gave him what he need to do the work, so surprisingly I got a call from martins begging me to forgive him that he is very sorry for everything. I was so surprised and was short of words cause I could not believe what I was hearing. So that was how martins came to me and now we are living happily than ever before. My friends out there who needs help I will advice you contact dr ukaka for help. You can reach him via: freedomlovespell@hotmail.com or cell number: +2348033873774

    Precious Gold. From UK.

    USA

  • Mandy Divanna

    !!! How To Get Your husband Back & Avoid Divorce !!!

    Hello I am LOPEZ CAROL ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to DR.UKAKA the great messenger to the oracle of DR.UKAKA solution home,I narrated my problem to DR.UKAKA about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later,My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact DR.UKAKA on his personal email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: freedomlovespell@hotmail.com………………..OR call +2348133873774
    LOPEZ CAROL

  • Mandy Divanna

    !!! How To Get Your husband Back & Avoid Divorce !!!

    Thank you Dr UKAKA I never knew I could be happy again cause my life turned in a mess by a guy named martins, cause the love I had for him was incomparable, I loved him with all my heart but he dumped me just because of a girl from a wealthy family, ever since then I have never been my self cause I love martins and think of him every seconds of my life so I cant just let him go like that cause I think he is the love of my life, so I decided to go on research on net on how to get lost lover back. At yahoo blog that was how I saw a lady who testified the great things which dr ukaka did for her after reading I was convinced to give a try to dr ukaka to see if he can help me also. So that was how I contacted him and told him my problem. So when I told him my problem he just told me not to worry that I will have martins back within 24 hours if I can come up with the necessary things which he needed, so I gave him what he need to do the work, so surprisingly I got a call from martins begging me to forgive him that he is very sorry for everything. I was so surprised and was short of words cause I could not believe what I was hearing. So that was how martins came to me and now we are living happily than ever before. My friends out there who needs help I will advice you contact dr ukaka for help. You can reach him via: freedomlovespell@hotmail.com or cell number: +2348033873774

    Precious Gold. From UK.

    USA

  • Cinnabar Dee Harbour

    My boyfriend and I were very happy for the first 1/3 of our current relationship. Unfortunately, during this past 2/3, he’s been severely depressed. He has his happy moments, but he’s basically unsure of everything. At first, our relationship was absolutely perfect. We both wanted nothing more than each other for the rest of our lives. Now, he’s unsure and mean and full of doubts and negativity. He explains to me that he feels as though he is in a dark abyss and every time he attempts to step up, the step crumbles under his feet. He makes fights out of nothing, remains upset for days, then apologizes and says that I don’t deserve what he’s putting me through. He doesn’t eat anymore, unless I feed him. He sleeps all the time, he never wants to do anything. He says that “He doesn’t feel the same as he used to about himself, therefore doesn’t feel the same about us.” I feel as though I cannot give up on him. He may say hurtful things and act as though he doesn’t care, but every once in a while that guy he used to be will resurface. I just want that guy back. That, smiling, enthusiastic, crazy about me, crazy fun guy. Is he still in there? He seems to think that this depressed, indecisive, unhappy person is who he truly is. Is it actually the other way around? Someone, please help me.

  • Mm

    It’s seven months later and he still says the same things but never does anything. I’m a fool.

  • Andre Edwardo

    hello to the world at large I want to share my testimony to you all which i believe you can still try your best to give a testimony like this so i was married to mark at first will both love each other but short time he started a new behavior which i cannot even explain to any one then i keep it to my self hopping one day he will change for good no way he did not change so i was in pain every day don`t no what to do on till one day when a friend of mine visited me in my office she met me crying then she was asking me what is going on i try to be cam but i could not then i open up to her telling me there is a way out which i will do before he left me with my kids i look up and not knowing what to do then i ask her to tell me. shortly she open up to me and say there is a man called okuta he is a spirit man he can do it with in three days then i look an said okay i will try my best to contact him four days later, my husband did not come home i called his phone switch off then i try my possible best i did not hear from him so i began to look for one way for a help so i remember my friend told me about one man called abu i quickly run to my friend asking her if she still have dr.abu contact then she gave it to me that was how i contacted this great man of spirit he did it for me so quick so now i can now control my husband in any thing even i can tell him that i don`t want him outside today he will not. Now i have a happy family so via email abuspellhome@gmail.com

  • Kelly

    I know exactly what you are going through, I’ve just had the exact same thing happen to me. It’s so hard as we are so in love but he’s just sinking into the depression and wont recognise it.

  • Jillian

    I’m currently suffering severe depression and trying so hard not to listen to the rubbish that goes through my head. I don’t want to lose my long term relationship to this and am fighting with tooth and nail not to get pulled down but it’s really hard..

  • Jillian

    This is me exactly, I feel lost and I want to hold my boyfriend without it feeling like one giant lie!

  • Mark

    This is me exactly although it has been a lot longer. I have been with her for 8 months. The first 3 months were superb. Then one day I cooked her dinner and it went wrong. The next day I didn’t feel myself and then I started questioning everything in my life. From there I crashed, was diagnosed with depression, got out off then a couple of months ago. I have good days and bad days but I have never felt completely right. I feel like my head saying I love her but my mind is questioning it the time. There are times I can barely look at her and feel like such a fraud. There are times when I hate myself and when I try to b talk to her about it, I can’t v express myself because I am feeling nothing about anything. It is driving me crazy and I don’t really know what to do. I feel like breaking up with her is only there because it is the easy way out:( All I want is the same as Jillian.. to hold her and not feel like a fraud and properly look forward to a happy future together.

  • Hannah

    Hi Lisa, I’d also like to thank you for this article. I have been suffering on and off with bouts of depression that bring me down and launch me into creating huge doubts in my head about my boyfriend of 4 and a half years. This has come about due to huge changes in my life and myself after leaving university. You have made me realise that it definitely is something I have made up myself and that when I am not confident and do not love myself, I cannot possibly reflect this onto another. I often feel ‘flat’ as you say and as a problem solver, when I can’t yank myself out of the flatness I ‘fizz’ but in a bad way – tears, break downs etc.
    This article has set me off on a journey to find happiness. I have booked into a yoga class next week (which always helps to clear my mind) and am now keeping a book where I will note down small positive things that happen every day. I also showed my boyfriend this article & it gave him a lot of clarity on what he was dealing with when I get very low.
    It’s very hard to see clearly when you’re in fight/flight mode, but hopefully through reminding myself that it’s my creation therefore I am in control of it, I will come out the other side. Thanks again.

  • Mm

    Yep. He did come Back though. We actually had a date. Hang in there. He said knowing I loved him still helped him but boy he sure didn’t act that way. there’s hope. He returned after 16 months.

  • Kelly

    Lucky you :) did you really hang on for that long though, or did you try and move forward. Did you date anyone else? He is just so up and down when we talk now. I’m a punching bag for 3/4 times then I get a nice message apologizing and asking how I am. At what point do you just have to let go?

  • Mm

    Kelly:
    Well I held on a little. I went 6weeks wout contact at one point. Usually though I would call or text once every few weeks. He never initiated contact. I sent a book on depression once for example to his house with a note. He always responded but usually he was short and sometimes irritated. A few times he was glad to hear from me. I began dating some but nothing serious. The last time I saw him before he returned was a terrible experience. He-a man I never heard curse in two and a half years-lost it on me. Told me I was only one who wouldn’t give up on him and he’d never be the same man again. He said he didn’t want me Etc. I didn’t contact him again for six weeks. And that was when he returned. He’s been back since may. We have a date once a week and slowly he is starting to bring back the daily contact etc. But it’s slow going. However I believe he is my soulmate so I held on for a long time.

  • Hanging-Onto-Him

    I’m going through a rough time with depression for the pass 1 1/2 years. I think I may lose my soul mate, because I feel it is too late. Our story is, we’re in a long LONG distance relationship, this coming November, we would be together 3 years. During this past year, I have made mistakes where I let my depression consume me, and I took it out on him sometimes, I regret it, but I always apologized, and we made up. Now it seems the tables have turned, couple months later, where I’m finally doing fine, and now he’s depressed and not himself anymore, and I’m so paranoid and getting depressed again that he may leave me or we’ll break up. He says he really does love me, and he is saying it more often but….I’m feeling so miserably down that I was too late to chance and I may lose the love of my life forever…. I just feel so alone… but I will keep being there for him and hanging onto him unless otherwise… :(

  • Mm

    He’s an ass. I wouldn’t recommend fighting for him. In the end I don’t think he’ll ever be the same. He has good days but it’s a lot of work and slow coming. If I had to do it over again I’d let him go and I would never go back. I know it’s hard. It’s like watching someone drown who keep pushing away the life jackets you throw. Eventually you just give up. It killed my self esteem, made me depressed, made my Lupus flare up more, and i often felt rejected and lonely. As much as I love him and even believe I helped him know he mattered I’m not sure he would’ve done the same for me. And I wish some days I never met him. He’s still a monster to the disease and I still am deeply alone and I appreciated. In short, run. Run like hell.

  • ko

    im actually going thru the same problem… think we can give eachother advice? my boyfriend is being distant and says he has problemas but that he still cares for me! im just really heartbroek hurt and i want to help but i just get frustrated..

  • Katherine G

    Amazing post. Im only 20 years old and suffering with depression. I have such a supportive boyfriend but I’m constantly questioning my love for him etc. This article has helped me realise that depression affects my thoughts and that I’m just being silly. Its terrible because I talk to him about these thoughts which i guess is making him feel down. Im determined to stop telling him these things and fight this horrible disease!!!

  • nepenthesbaphomet

    I needed this a year ago. Worst decisions made, with clouded and “flat” judgment. I have to accept the decisions I made and learn to move on.

    Good article.

  • MelGal

    I have suffered from depression for 5 years. During that time, I have damaged my 21 year marriage by allowing the negative self talk to take over…filing for separation/divorce three times. He was strong enough to forgive the first two, from 2009 and 2011. Now after the last time June 2014, he says he is done. He is very angry over all I have done, which I am starting to see was all in my head…not my heart. I love my husband as much as I did 27 years ago when we first dated. We have 2 amazing children. I have been on antidepressants for those 5 years and have started to wonder if they even help. My behaviors included the fight or flight stuff…you don’t love me so I must leave. Reading your articles are opening my eyes to the idea that I have been existing in the flatness for far too long.