Oh, honey. I just want to hug you. You sound so trapped and helpless.

I think there are things that you could do differently to improve the situation. Heh. Which is not to say I blame you for your niece being a thief (that’s on her obviously) but reading only a little between the lines it seems you may be a little passive agressive about it.

If you have good reason to think your niece has something that belongs to you, confront her. Don’t eavesdrop, don’t talk to everyone else first, get her and her mother in a room together and say there’s something you want to talk about. Try to stay calm and factual. “I think you have this thing. It is mine, and if you have it you should give it back.”

Don’t ever eavesdrop. Nothing useful can be gained from that, it’s drama-generating behaviour. Just don’t. Don’t sit around trying to build a case against her, you’re not going to court. She’s family. You just want your stuff back. If you want a more harmonious relationship with your family, act in a harmonious way.

Second point: acting in a harmonious way and being peaceful does not mean letting people get away with taking and breaking your stuff. What you’re looking for is the space between silence and having a relationship wrecking screaming fit/inquisition. That space is called assertiveness. “I’m not angry, I just don’t think it’s right that you constantly use my make up and I want it to stop. Now tell me what you want.”

Also don’t take cues from your father. Don’t hide your stuff so other people won’t use it. That’s childish. Be the mature one.

I would advise you to read up on assertiveness and non-violent communication, and practice these things. I think it can improve the situation with your family, but more importantly, it will give you important skills you’ll use for the rest of your life.

I hope my message doesn’t make you feel angry or attacked. You’re very young yourself, and you may not have the best examples. It’s perfectly natural that you haven’t learned how best to communicate in these kinds of situations. You haven’t done anything wrong. But doing something different may have good results.

I hope things work out.

Huge fan of the idea of getting a really good lock for your door. That is definitely the way to go.

But of course this isn’t just about preventing this happening again and solving the situation at face value. As you say yourself “it’s just objects that i don’t matter”. Because on a deeper level – as you’re well aware – this is about trust and the relationships you have with your family.

My first advice: Stop trying to be peaceful, trying to control yourself etc. Instead, accept absolutely every feeling that comes up. Meditate. By doing this you will achieve peace but via different means. When you try really hard to be peaceful and calm down you end up becoming more tense because you create a distance between where you are and where you want to be, in your mind. When this distance evaporates (which happens by accepting what IS now – tension and all) this has the effect of you eventually becoming more relaxed, peaceful etc. in the face of whatever you’re experiencing. In other words the frustration, anger, disappointment, negative thinking etc etc…it’s all ok, it’s all fine, allow yourself to experience it. When you really feel all that without blocking it, the acceptance is so healing in and of itself. Note here that accepting the presence of thinking isn’t the same as believing the thinking. In other words, accept thoughts like “she’s a bitch” are there in your mind and don’t need to disappear, but you don’t need to buy into that thought, if that makes sense!

Avoiding confrontation here is not serving you or your family. It may seem like the kind thing to do but it isn’t because this whole situation is creating far more suffering than openness ever would. Just having a real conversation about this with your niece – you don’t need to be rude or blaming, just state your truth and the facts as you see them, that is that you feel hurt and upset and you feel you can’t trust her easily because of this – is so much kinder to all of you. It is so much less horrible to do things this way. I’m not saying she’ll like it. In the short term – that is in the moment of confrontation – she will likely be offended, hurt , angry etc. Humiliated even. Or just denial and not display any of this, acting childishly. What you gotta remember is, it’s not her response that matters but the fact you have at least tried to reconcile things in this way. In the long term though, your relationship may be much better for this short-term discomfort. On the other hand, if she really doesn’t respond well to this at all then maybe it’s time to just accept she’s a 16 year old girl with issues that she’ll hopefully grow out of. Stick that lock on your door, put any possessions you want to keep in that room and be done with it. Maybe in the future when she’s a bit more mature you can feel a bit better about each other. But remember she’s not the only one with issues. You for example have been avoiding confronting her, which in itself could be argued is dysfunctional communication. It’s easy to blame everybody else for what they do, but once you accept you yourself are not so infallible you may find it easier to be compassionate. We all have our problems. I for example can be pretty narcissistic at times. I can be a bit horrible at times. It’s no excuse and we still have full responsibility over our own behaviour, but it’s at least worth bearing in mind when it’s compassion you want to feel.

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Rock Banana.
• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Rock Banana.