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Absolutely crushed by what I've seen. Need advice on what to do. :(

HomeForumsRelationshipsAbsolutely crushed by what I've seen. Need advice on what to do. :(

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #121881
    emberlyn
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I’ve just returned home after seeing my long distance boyfriend for a few days. I’m 18 and he’s 27. We met on an online game this time last year and started to grow really close this summer. I’ve never felt so close to anyone in my life. We’ve spoken online for several hours every single day since July and met in person for the first time in October. He had only just broken up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before we met, so we didn’t become a couple until recently. He’s been such a gentleman knowing I’m so much younger than him and still a virgin, and has said he wants to take things slow because he respects me so much.

    I was worried about us getting together so quickly so soon after ending things with his girlfriend because he was with her for such a long time and she was closer to his age, but he managed to make me feel so much better and ease my worries. He said he had been unhappy with his girlfriend for a very long time and had fallen out of love and that I’m the one he loves. Apparently she was completely selfish and possessive of him. It made him miserable and he could never have a life outside of her. She used him and neglected him.

    I had such a lovely time with my boyfriend the last few days. Saturday we arranged to go out with one of his friends who I also know from the online game we play together. My boyfriend asked me to text his friend to let him know he was running late, so I grabbed his phone and did so. I was so upset and shocked at what I then saw…

    His ex girlfriends name was quite high up in his list of text messages. I knew they were still talking — my boyfriend made me aware of this and said she’s been having a hard time with the break up and pestering him a lot because she knows he’s with me now. However, when I saw the most recent message under her name I quickly became aware this wasn’t what was going on… My heart was racing and I panicked, my emotions got the better of me, so I clicked her name and saw my boyfriend had sent her loads of texts without a response from her. The last message she actually sent to him was 3 weeks ago. She told him she couldn’t be friends with him because she loved him too much but she would be fine, and told him not to worry about her and that she just wanted him to be happy even if it couldn’t be with her. He has sent her like 5 text messages since with no response from her at all… He was saying he hoped she was okay, that he really missed her and their time together, talking with her and hanging out with her, and that he thought the world of her and always would.

    I don’t know what to do or even think. I didn’t tell him I saw the messages as it’s just so wrong and inappropriate that I looked in the first place, and I just want to pretend I never did… It was so hard being around him the rest of the weekend, but we’ve been talking online all day together and he seems happy and so am I. I love him so much. What he said to his ex is still in the back of my mind though and it’s really upsetting me. I’m so shocked because he seems so happy with me and I thought he was totally over her. What do you guys think? 🙁

    #121901
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear emberlyn:

    Did he text his ex girlfriend during the visit you had with him or before? If he texted her before your last visit with him, how long before the visit?

    Obviously, the attachment he felt for her is still ongoing. It takes time to undo an emotional attachment. He has been forming a new attachment to you while his old attachment is not yet undone.

    He was somewhat dishonest about his current feelings for her, the ongoing attachment and being open, to one extent or another, to more time and closeness with her.

    If I was in your place, seeing the name of the ex in recent history, on his phone, I assure you, I too will be looking. Too tempting.

    Since you are back, have you been thinking about telling him you saw the texts.. or asking him questions to.. check if he will be lying to you (thoughts that occurred to me)?

    anita

    #121957
    emberlyn
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you for your response.

    The last text he sent to her was on Thursday, the day before I went over. It was the one that said he missed their time together, hanging out with her and talking to her… What you say is what I feared, but the hopeful side of me believes he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore and is just looking out for her as a friend and just feels guilty about hurting her.

    I haven’t told him I saw the texts but he’s been talking to me constantly since I got back home, so I know he wants to be with me. At the end of the day, if he wanted to be with her he would, wouldn’t he? She made it clear to him in her text she wanted more than friendship but he’s not with her, he’s with me. What do you think?

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by emberlyn.
    #121965
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear emberlyn:

    It reads to me like your boyfriend cares for you and is forming an emotional attachment to you. His relationship with you may grow more loving and beautiful for him than his previous relationship. The thing is old attachments take time to end. During his relationship with his ex girlfriends, there were times he felt a strong attachment, then a time he fell out of love, then a time the attachment returned, ups and downs. This is a natural process. The texts you read, as unpleasant to read as they were, do not indicate to me that the man is not a good man for you.

    You wrote: “the hopeful side of me believes he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore” The hopeful-side when it is not a realistic-side, a side true to reality, will hurt you. Life is often not what we WISH it would be. Wishing will not change reality. If you fit your thinking to reality, it will benefit you.

    Reality: he was still attached to her when he sent those texts. When he texted her that “he really missed her and their time together, talking with her and hanging out with her” that means he is still emotionally attached to her, and that he does have feelings for her, at least he did when he sent her those texts. So you thinking that “he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore” is wishful thinking.

    Your thinking that he “is just looking out for her as a friend and just feels guilty about hurting her” is also wishful thinking because reality is that he kept texting her without her response: “He has sent her like 5 text messages since with no response from her at all.”

    He told you before you found out about the texts that she was possessive of him. Her text to him doesn’t indicate possessiveness: “She told him…she would be fine, and told him not to worry about her and that she just wanted him to be happy even if it couldn’t be with her.” She may have been possessive of him in the past but not from the time she sent him that text you saw to the time she didn’t answer his last text.

    If she continues to not answer his texts, it will help him un-attach himself to her. If he feels safe and comfortable with you, growing an attachment to you, it will help him un-attach himself to her, over time. One day, it will happen: he will no longer be attached to her, just like you wish it was already the case.

    anita

    #121968
    Alien incident47
    Participant

    From what I read into this is he cares for you and likes you , but at the same time he is trying to rekindle the relationship he has with his ex. He told you about her and painted and ugly picture of her to yet he has sent her text , solo she can’t be as bad as he describes to you of her . So to put it simply are you okay being second choice as he moves things slow with you and tries to repair what he had with his ex? I think he moved to quickly to try to start something with you and he has not closure with his ex and needs to do so.

    #122022
    emberlyn
    Participant

    Thank you for your responses guys.

    When he said he misses their time together, hanging out, talking, etc, do you think it’s possible he meant as a friend? He once told me he hoped they could stay friends.

    I know that she wants him back. She even bought him gifts to try and win him back, one got delivered to the house when I was there two months ago. He knows she’d take him back in a heartbeat and if he wanted to be with her too, he would be.

    We’re planning to spend Christmas and new year together. He asked me last night if I would like to come down once I’ve finished college for the holidays and spend a couple of weeks with him. This is a good sign yeah? Shows he wants to spend a lot of time with me 🙂

    #122047
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear emberlyn:

    Maybe he meant he missed their time together as friends. If he did mean that, after she didn’t answer his first, second, third… fifth text, I hope he is no longer chasing her for friendship. If she wanted him back at one point, as a boyfriend, it is not wise for him to pursue her as a friend.

    I hope you spend good, quality time with your boyfriend these holidays and onward. Like I wrote to you before- a transition in attachment takes a bit of time: his attachment to her will weaken as his attachment to you gets stronger.

    anita

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