July 4, 2013 at 8:06 am #37950
Here is my story…the echo of so many others here it begs the question. If we are all suffering from the same heartache, why is that in our collective effort, we seem unable to find the solution?
I’m 56, male, married. To make a long story short, work took me to live in another state last year and during that time, separated from my wife of 23 years, I met someone and fell in love.
The woman I met, Kate, was 20 years younger than I. A successful attorney with a global top 5 law firm, wife and mother of two small children and accomplished athlete. When we met, it was as though we had always known each other….as an avid student of Quantum Theory…the concept of quantum entanglement somehow came to mind.
Our affair lasted four months. In that time, Kate changed the way I lived my life. She challenged me to participate in a Tough Mudder race with all the training that entailed (which I did, finishing in the top 5%), challenged me to take up a charity bike ride (which I did, finishing again in the top 5%) and generally helped me discover that the only limits to my life were those I imposed. If I could set those aside, the possibilities were limitless. Today, I can argue that I have exceeded my teacher and am now an accomplished athlete in my own right. I’m currently training for my first triathlon and will be riding a 122 mile, 10,000 feet of ascent, ride in Colorado next week. I have come to believe there is nothing I can’t do that I want to do.
In November of last year, while attending a conference in Chicago, she “hooked up” again with her 30 year old co-worker with whom she’d been having an affair which had ended just before we met. Yes….I know, I was the rebound guy.
Shortly after, she ended our relationship and in the weeks that followed, essentially erased me from her life. So now I live in the wilderness of her contempt.
The love I felt for her was like nothing I had ever known before. It was like light. It suffused my existence. When it was taken from me…I was blinded…the image of it having burned itself onto my sight so brightly as to have blocked everything else. I never felt such joy as when she would tell me of her love for me.
Now this is gone.
Months have passed and the anger and hurt have subsided…but there is not a day, not one, in which I do not think of her.
How can I be free of this? Is this to be my life now? I’m back living with my wife, but this specter stands between us. Ever present in my thoughts.
How can I be free of this wound that will not heal?July 4, 2013 at 9:37 am #37955
I am sorry for your loss. The loss of the new love and the loss of your relationship with your wife. I would suggest getting counseling for yourself and for you as a couple. I think we are all looking for connection. Perhaps if you and your wife can resolve the unspoken issues between you that you could reconnect in priceless ways. Forgiveness of both yourself, your wife and Kate could offer you the peace it sounds like you are seeking. This is my humble advise. I wish you the best.July 4, 2013 at 2:46 pm #37984
What a fantastic question! I am sorry it is difficult for you in this moment, but the place you’ve arrived is also very fertile for co-creative love. The connection you had with her was certainly very amazing. Reality came alive and everything shined, and you knew that anything at all is possible. The true beauty that we are as a person awakens and we jump into the things we love with courage during this time.
The reason that heartache becomes so universal, in my opinion, is because we associate the feeling we have with the person, as though they are the ones providing the feeling. Its true that some people can awaken us to the courage of our heart, but love comes from within. Said differently, when we are open, curious, and courageous, our hearts waken and we are filled with love. Its easy to do that with certain people, and they teach us.
If we associate that love with the teacher, then we are essentially handing them the keys to our happiness. After they leave (the room, the state, the world) the gravity of the association forces us to crave them, to regain that sense (sense data or inner feeling) of power and beauty.
The solution is twofold. First, we have to accept the feeling was inside us the whole time. They were like a midwife to our heartsong, and helped us awaken… but the love was ours, and we shared it. They made it easy, but we jumped (or were dragged 🙂 ).
Next, we have to cultivate that feeling for the people around us. This done easily with our kids, as we accept them and wish for their happiness… no matter what they do or how they look… its just there (even if it gets clouded by stress). In our romantic partner, it is not as easy for many reasons. What we can do, though, is practice deep looking on our partner. Take the time to look at who they are as a person, their struggles and sparkles, the way their body moves, the way they respond to our creativity.
Sometimes it can be difficult to remain open to our partners. Intimacy is work, though! As we learn and grow, we either grow together or apart. With communication (giving and receiving with openness) the intimacy replaces the “sparkly newness” as the draw. The energy increases as both partners surrender themselves into the union. An exercise which could help this is: “breathing in I sense all of you, your smell, feel, sound, taste. Breathing out I pour all of myself onto you, calling you to join me as us.” When you both come into the moment, there is no need for more thinking… just breathe in in and let it out. When it fades, move back into the breath and the senses.
As you practice opening to your partner, the associations between your heart and the muse will fade, and your wife will regain her sparkle in your vision. It won’t be from any one thing, but the woman she is and the “us” she offers through her own courage to love.
This is how I deal with the “moments of fancy” when some beauty distracts me from my heartfelt commitment to my wife, and our intimacy is strong and stable.
- This reply was modified 3 years ago by Matt.