Jacques,

What a fantastic question! I am sorry it is difficult for you in this moment, but the place you’ve arrived is also very fertile for co-creative love. The connection you had with her was certainly very amazing. Reality came alive and everything shined, and you knew that anything at all is possible. The true beauty that we are as a person awakens and we jump into the things we love with courage during this time.

The reason that heartache becomes so universal, in my opinion, is because we associate the feeling we have with the person, as though they are the ones providing the feeling. Its true that some people can awaken us to the courage of our heart, but love comes from within. Said differently, when we are open, curious, and courageous, our hearts waken and we are filled with love. Its easy to do that with certain people, and they teach us.

If we associate that love with the teacher, then we are essentially handing them the keys to our happiness. After they leave (the room, the state, the world) the gravity of the association forces us to crave them, to regain that sense (sense data or inner feeling) of power and beauty.

The solution is twofold. First, we have to accept the feeling was inside us the whole time. They were like a midwife to our heartsong, and helped us awaken… but the love was ours, and we shared it. They made it easy, but we jumped (or were dragged 🙂 ).

Next, we have to cultivate that feeling for the people around us. This done easily with our kids, as we accept them and wish for their happiness… no matter what they do or how they look… its just there (even if it gets clouded by stress). In our romantic partner, it is not as easy for many reasons. What we can do, though, is practice deep looking on our partner. Take the time to look at who they are as a person, their struggles and sparkles, the way their body moves, the way they respond to our creativity.

Sometimes it can be difficult to remain open to our partners. Intimacy is work, though! As we learn and grow, we either grow together or apart. With communication (giving and receiving with openness) the intimacy replaces the “sparkly newness” as the draw. The energy increases as both partners surrender themselves into the union. An exercise which could help this is: “breathing in I sense all of you, your smell, feel, sound, taste. Breathing out I pour all of myself onto you, calling you to join me as us.” When you both come into the moment, there is no need for more thinking… just breathe in in and let it out. When it fades, move back into the breath and the senses.

As you practice opening to your partner, the associations between your heart and the muse will fade, and your wife will regain her sparkle in your vision. It won’t be from any one thing, but the woman she is and the “us” she offers through her own courage to love.

This is how I deal with the “moments of fancy” when some beauty distracts me from my heartfelt commitment to my wife, and our intimacy is strong and stable.

With warmth,
Matt

• This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Matt.