December 25, 2016 at 9:08 am #123562
I am thinking that your quest, what you need is mental (and physical) well being. What you need is to feel okay. What will it take for you to be mentally well, is the question. If a particular relationship harms your well being, then that relationship needs to be changed or eliminated.
You mentioned “a storm of thoughts”- feel free to share that storm.
anitaDecember 25, 2016 at 9:28 am #123564
The storm of thoughts is about everything….Will I be left alone…..Whrn will I be at peace and what will be the cost I’ll have to pay….
I am financially stable,have been and will be able to manage home and expenses.
Loosing on mental peace.December 25, 2016 at 9:36 am #123565
This will take time to figure out. Be as calm as you can, don’t try to figure too much too quickly. Consider this a long term endeavor. As I wrote to you before, one thing for sure- pregnancy is a bad, bad idea, so that is covered to my best understanding.
The marriage- clearly you feel very alone in it. This marriage should be evaluated and maybe terminated.
The relationship outside the marriages (your marriage, his marriage)- it resembles a bit the relationship you had with the man before you got married, isn’t it? Or at least it resembled it in emotional intensity on your part. Do you still feel attachment to that ex boyfriend of 10 years ago or so, or are all those feelings for him gone now?
anitaDecember 25, 2016 at 10:09 am #123568
I wont be able to get pregnant for sure. But will try and convince my husband that mrrg not working. I still remember my 10 yr old bf. But I don’t miss him as I have my current bf. But with him the things are drifting. I am quite since last 1 week. He knows that something is bothering me but he is not wanting talk as it will get into fight as usual. I am also not initiating to talk. This situation of not talking has happened for the first time in last 5 yrs. I hope someday he will ask me what’s wrong and when he will be ready to hear me out. Then I will understand if this relationship has a future or not.
Till then I want to work on myself. Making myself more strong to get through the tough situation life will throw at me.December 25, 2016 at 10:51 am #123575
You don’t miss your ex boyfriend even though you felt so strongly about him at the time. This means to me that you will not miss your current boyfriend, after some time, if the relationship ends and if you will have a new, loving relationship in the future, with another man.
Clearly, you need a loving relationship in your life, this is clear. So if you do get strong (your last sentence), wisely evaluate your life as is and as has been, it will be possible for you- and much more likely- to be in that loving relationship you so long for. To be and live with a man who will listen to you, who will be there for you, available, caring, loving.
anitaDecember 26, 2016 at 7:50 am #123604
You are right. I need someone who understands me completely. Don’t know what future has for me now. I am totally blank.December 26, 2016 at 8:14 am #123606
What are your highest value, or values? For me it is Truth, and the principle of “to thine own self be true.” I don’t want to pretend, I don’t want to hide. I want to be and become who I am. What I say is true. Therefore I wouldn’t want to be married to one man and have a secretive relationship on the side. I think I would terminate the two relationships.
What are your highest values- what you value will guide you in this state of being “totally blank.”
anitaDecember 26, 2016 at 8:25 am #123607
Is is worth thinking abt the values now. I am so scared of everything now. This feeling of being lost has come before as well. I am drawn to meditation n buddhism, though hav not tried that. Is it worth going for a course on Buddhism . I feel the urge to attend that. They talk abt life and seeking peace. What is your suggestion.December 26, 2016 at 8:44 am #123609
I think it is worth it for you to explore possibilities, specifically this course on Buddhism that you mentioned.
A couple of values that come to my mind when mentioning Buddhism is “Do no harm”- which is why I suggested to not bring a child into this situation, so not to cause harm to a new life.
It is probably a good principle not only in regard to a child- but in regard to other people in your life as well as yourself. First yourself. Clearly, your life situation is harming you, so examine what you are doing that is harming you and stop doing those things.
Another principle of Buddhism that comes to mind is being awake, aware, that is, seeing reality for what it is. Reality is, as I already stated on your thread, is that you need to be loved; that you need to love and be loved.
Let’s look at: are you being loved by your husband? The boyfriend?
anitaDecember 26, 2016 at 9:11 am #123611
Just now…..I was having some wine before I sleep. I shared my thought of going to dharamshala for the course. My husband got furious saying not going anywhere. We are planning a baby now. I said it’s just 15 days and there s no relation btwn my going there and planning a family. He said ” bohot ho gaya, if u can’t let’s separate”. This has happened out of nowhere. He said my mom has become old now and so we need to plan. I said how am I responsible for what ur mom is going through. Anita, I think there will be fights now. Let me tell you that my parents and husbands parents never met as we married against both. Husbands parents dint agree as the caste is different, so they have lied to the world dat we are of same caste. So my parents dint like it and now they don’t talk since v are married. I have managed to stay wid my in-laws few times,lie th world abt us and things were fine till the truth is hidden. I never liked all that,it’s very stressful.
Like I speak to his parents, he speaks to my parents well. So that is how we have been maintaining the relationships….Based on lies.
Don’t know what will happen now.December 26, 2016 at 9:25 am #123612
He suggested separation- why don’t you agree to it and make it happen.
I know you are scared. It reads to me that it is the time, even though you are scared, to separate. He is insisting on a baby and you don’t want that. How can this be resolved, other than separation- I don’t see any other way.
Being of two different castes and having to lie about it, as you wrote, it is very stressful for you.
I would tell him that separation is the only way and talk with him about HOW to do it best- what to tell others as the reason for the separation, a reason that will be the least harmful for the two of you, a reason more acceptable by society.
anitaaDecember 26, 2016 at 10:08 am #123613
He is very stressed. He puked just now. I think I will need a counselor to make him understand. Also toake my parents and his parents understand. Do u think this is needed?December 26, 2016 at 10:18 am #123614
A counselor can be a good idea, one who is very familiar with the culture, so that you can find a way to untangle yourself from this messy situation in a way you can live with during and after separation. Same for your husband.
I doubt you can make your parents or his parents understand, possible, but I doubt is, as people are very, very attached to the cultural/ social conventions, or rules.
As scared as you are, you need to find the strength to endure this, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Do what is in front of you at any time, not burdening your brain with much long term considerations. Consider these but focus on what is right in front of you here and now.
I will be here any time you post and will answer, every single time. I am here daily and quite frequently.
anitaDecember 26, 2016 at 11:01 am #123615
It seems lot of pressure is going on in your life , but I feel for you the relationship with your husband is like a treasure to you. Try not to loose him . communicate with him who knows you both can have a good chemistry at last. If this can happen that will be a very good thing according to me. Hope for the best for you.
Finewine.December 26, 2016 at 11:21 am #123617
Dear Anita and finewine,
Thankyou for being here. @finewine-myhusband is a very good guy no doubt, but somehow I should be comfortable and fulfilled in any relationship with anyone. I am trying my best not to hurt anyone. Also trying to adjust to my best possible comfort zone.