January 2, 2017 at 9:40 am #124308
You are unhappy with your job currently; you want to change it but stay in the same employment, with him being present there, correct? Or do you want to change your job and work elsewhere, where he is not present?
anitaJanuary 2, 2017 at 10:54 am #124318
Unhappy will be an inappropriate word. I will say I am not comfortable working where he is there. I can face challenges for the change. I can get a good job in 6-10 months.January 2, 2017 at 11:03 am #124321
You asked in a recent post how to become emotionally independent. How about becoming emotionally independent by planning your life to be such that you will experience that independence, that feeling of (relative) safety that you need.
Leave the people keeping you dependent or weak, arrange for a better job, or at the least a job where you are no longer around people who are keeping you weak (through your interactions with them).
anitaJanuary 3, 2017 at 11:22 pm #124470
I have to face a situation day after where in, I know, my husband is going to ask me about why am I not wanting to plan a child. I somehow know that he will get upset when I won’t be able to explain to him as why am I not willing to carry and why do I feel disconnected and lonely. Do you think I should tell him everything, about my childhood, my past and present. I think if I tell him about my present, he will be aggressive. If I tell him about my childhood and past he might understand me. Pls share your suggestions. Awaiting…January 4, 2017 at 9:11 am #124496
I have no information about your husband’s character and personality. At one point, you wrote, he was your best friend. You didn’t mention any aggressive or violent tendencies on his part. But distress can bring that about in any person. If he is a decent man basically, please have empathy for him because he is also in a very difficult situation.
When you communicate with him, let him know you understand his pain and his difficult circumstances. Let him know that you are both in a difficult situation and that you want to work on a solution with him, best solution for the two of you. Let him know that no solution is going to be perfect, but you want the best solution/s possible, for the two of you.
You can share with him about your past, absolutely, in your efforts to evoke his empathy; be open to him sharing about his past, for the same purpose.
Got to let him know that having a child is not an option. He has to know that pressuring you in this regard will not work for him.
Do your best to get an understanding with him. But be aware it may not be possible. And you may have to make a move yourself, without his cooperation, understanding or agreement.
If you have such a conversation with him, one of a series of conversations, I hope, let me know how it went.
January 8, 2017 at 8:53 pm #124897
- This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Hope all well with you. I have been very busy at work last 4 days and have been going through hell as well. There happened 2 events which has completely moved me.
One: me n my bf had been for an event and he danced wid a colleague of us. I was zapped bcoz in last 4 yrs of my work with him and so many events we were together, he never danced with me. I was jealous and angry. After that when he came to talk to me, I had an angry look n he got upset n walked away from there. I dint say a word bt I could NT put a fake smile n respond him. After 15 mins when I dint see him around, I mssgd him to know where he is. He started the fight saying what I did was nonsense n my madness continues n will never stop. He wrote no one has ever spoken to him n behaved the way I did and he wrote humiliatimg words….Anita I felt treated like a slut that I can’t even get angry or hurt. I replied what I felt….I replied I was jealous bt and that conversation fight ended on a very terrible note. I am not guilty of what made me upset. I haven’t gone in front of him since and NXT day wrote to him that I want to resign as I don’t want to work where ppl don’t respect me.
I was feeling devastated after the above incident…My husband came to me and asked how it was. I don’t answer but my eyes were teary. I told him that I want to go for Buddhism course (which he dint want me to and he had yelled saying not going anywhere). In that flow of telling him I told him abt my childhood and how alone I feel. I dint tell him abt my ex bf and current bf also. But told him abt my childhood and the painful memories I have abt then.he was listening to me and was empathic. I told him because no one ever loved me in my childhood and my parents wanted me to get married to someone unknown, I chose to marry you and that’s why I married u. He said he will support me to get out of the pain and promised me nt to pressurize abt having a child till I feel like.
Anita, I am going through a rollercoaster of emotions. I don’t feel like going to work today bt have to go. My bf has not replied after I mentioned that I wish to resign. I feel like a looser and humiliated.January 9, 2017 at 6:23 am #124917
Dear Andrea simoes:
Whatever you feel, is okay to feel. You can’t help what you feel. When you saw your married boyfriend dancing with a colleague, you felt jealous. That is okay. You feel what you feel.
But what you choose to SAY or DO, should be under your reasonable control. By reasonable, I mean, logic should play a part. Logic and values.
I highly value honesty. You are being very dishonest with your husband. You told him about your lonely childhood so that he will not pressure you to have a child and be more accommodating. But you have to take his well being in consideration and release him from this marriage. This marriage is a joke, a mockery, a sham, a pretense. You are both responsible for being in it, and for it being what it is. Do your part to let him know it is a joke, a farce, a pretense.
Your boyfriend is married to another woman. He danced with a colleague but he shares a bed with another woman every night. Not only you pretend to be married to a husband, you also pretend that your boyfriend is a single boyfriend, while in reality he is a married man.
Please, make your life be about honesty- look reality in the eye. Your marriage is not a marriage; your “boyfriend” is a married man who shares a bed with another woman every night.
Did you really mean resigning from your job or was it just a manipulative act, to let the “boyfriend” know you are upset?
anitaJanuary 9, 2017 at 7:45 am #124921
Thanks for your revert. It has given me more than a reality check. my bf is fed up of my expectations n I think I am bugging him. I am thinking I will take a break from this relationship….Meaning we both need time I guess. He has avoided confronting me 2 days and same with me. But end of the day today when I got to know he is traveling, I could NT stop myself from sending him a txt saying have a safe n happy journey,take care. He responded with thanks n asked a number of a common contact. He has completely not disconnected yet. May be I need to think about me now and understand myself first. Till then I’ll take break from him and everyone else. I will update you soon.Thankyou for being you Anita DidiJanuary 9, 2017 at 7:51 am #124922
I forgot to mention…
You are right, the dishonesty is there with my husband. I should relieve him but I have just started communicating to him abt my past. I will convey him but slowly. I need lot of courage.
I am resigning because I think if I go away from him, it will be easy for me to get detached. When he is in front of me the entire day every day I aught to be wanting his attention all the time. And now when I can sense the end of this relationship…I would rather stay away rather than finding reason to not confront him.January 9, 2017 at 8:57 am #124930
Dear Andrea simoes:
You are welcome. You keep referring to the man as your boyfriend. More realistic would be to refer to him as “another woman’s (cheating) husband.” On the same note, it would be realistic to refer to your husband as a clueless pretend-husband who has no idea you have another woman’s cheating husband as your emotional and sexual interest and practice.
What a mess and how unfortunate for the clueless. I do hope you can fix some of this misfortune, the part of it that you can fix.
anitaJanuary 9, 2017 at 9:29 am #124935
What you said sound very harsh to hear but that’s the fact and I accept that. But my bf is very balanced with his wife, just that he does not find love and romance in their relationship. He is a provider of her needs, that is what he told. With me, same is the case, I find all emotional support from this married bf. The reality you kept on reminding me is waking me up.
I will sort out things soon.January 9, 2017 at 9:52 am #124938
Dear Andrea simoes:
I just read your post before last (double posing, so I responded last before reading that one). I will use the terms I used in my last post to you regarding the men involved.
In your post before last, you acknowledged the dishonesty with your pretend husband and your plan to end your job so to disconnect from another woman’s (cheating) husband. I think that these are good intents and plans.
As to your last post, you wrote:
“I find all emotional support from this married bf”- not according to your sharing on this thread. You wouldn’t be asking for help if you were emotionally supported by him.
“He is a provider of her needs, that is what he told. With me, same is the case”- his wife and your pretend husband have needs beyond being fed and sheltered. The two of them have a need to-love-and-be-loved. Neither one has this very important need met, not by the legal spouses anyway.
Back to the title of your thread: “Feeling stuck”- I think there is freedom in seeing reality-as-it-is. once you see it as it is, be it as harsh as it is, and you fit your thinking to that reality, then you can see options otherwise blocked from view.
Post again, anytime.