December 26, 2016 at 11:32 am #123618
am i getting too personal and I am sorry for that but my instincts says that your husband is a great valuable for you. You have made him suffer from your part. He is still with you. Hope for your good life.
Finewine.December 26, 2016 at 8:25 pm #123648
You are right in saying that he is suffering. He has a very different view about life and I am a complete different person. I never have gone against my will to do anything in life. That is where the problem is. I am not suitable and compatible for him. It's all my fault and I know you will agree to that. But I can't help to kill myself inside and plan a baby and then spoil the baby's life. Hope you understand.December 27, 2016 at 3:13 am #123668
Hope you are fine, can you just keep having a child with your husband issue aside for a moment and think and write here that what do you like and what you don't like in your husband . What does this marriage means to you. What are you going to loose, if you terminate this marriage. Hope for you to write when you are in a calm state of mind not in emotional state, so that we can understand better.
Finewine.December 27, 2016 at 3:40 am #123669
Thank you for your revert. I am much calm now. I like my husband as a good being, but was never attracted to him as my lover. I had him with me at my worst time once when I was lonely, we best friends. But I don't like him as a lover. When my dad pressurized me to marry someone else, I flees with my husband and married him. He liked me a lot. And now when I look back I find myself selfish. I have been supporting him in all means except physical intimacy. I have been very supportive to his parents also in terms of hiding out difference in caste from public. I have, as a wife, played my role well….Only could not face physical intimacy. I could go all good only because he was there at my worst times. We have maintained a very clean image of a happy couple. But we lack understanding. For eg: whenever I have cried when I have been depressed, he never understood what should he do toake me feel better, inspite of telling m feeling lonely and lost. It's not his fault,he is all content and had a very happy and secured childhood. I am much broken and I feel and he can't love me enough.December 27, 2016 at 4:35 am #123671
all you mentioned is fine.what are going to loose once you are out of this marriage? ?? Think clearly and then respond.
Finewine.December 27, 2016 at 5:46 am #123673
I will not loose but will be relieved off the burden of responsibilities of fakeness of being someone I am not. I'll surely loose all d respect I have nw as a responsible daughter, wife and daughter in law.December 27, 2016 at 9:46 am #123694
As to your last note to me: you are welcome. If I was you, from all the information you shared so far, I would release the husband from his suffering by ending the marriage that shouldn't have taken place to begin with.
And then, if I was you, I would let go of all fake appearances and be true to myself.
There will be a price to pay, a different price from the one you are paying now. Which is a heavier price: your mental distress now, being untrue to your husband, to yourself and to everyone else OR your future distress for people thinking badly of you ?
anitaDecember 27, 2016 at 8:14 pm #123766
What you said about being true is what I am practicing now. Not completely may be, but yes to I am listening to my heart wanting to be myself. Maybe that is why I am refusing to get pregnant and otherside I am not talking to my bf since last 8 days, for the first time so long. I am respecting myself and have been paying the cost of hatred frm my husband and ignorance frm my bf.
There is more to come soon now. My parents and my in-laws will hate me once make a rude statement of not wanting a child. I hope I will have strength to face that.December 28, 2016 at 11:03 am #123818
From your last post, your choice is this:
1. Self respect and hatred by your husband, his parents and your parents.
2. Self disrespect, or.. self hatred, and tolerance by your husband, his parents and your parents.
I would like to examine these two choices:
The time aspect: if you disrespect yourself, you live all your waking hours disrespecting yourself. If they hate you, they spend only part of their time hating you.
The usefulness aspect: if you disrespect yourself, you have little to no motivation to live, beyond mere existing, at best. You choose anxiety and depression as a way of life. If they tolerate you (not hating you) while you disrespect yourself, anxiety and depression is still your way of life. Their tolerance of you doesn't change the quality of your life.
The danger aspect: is there a danger that your husband and/ or his parents and/ or your parents will harm you physically if they hate you?
anitaDecember 28, 2016 at 10:28 pm #123873
I agree to what you mentioned. I feel very tied up and might be depressed my whole life then.
My parents or his parents will not harm me but will disown me. I had once fought with my husband and had stayed at parents house, my father dint even give me food to eat.December 29, 2016 at 8:33 am #123891
So your parents will disown you, may not let you stay in their home and if they do, they may not offer you food.
I asked you earlier if you work and make money, and I believe you wrote that you are employed and you do make money. Will you be able, if separated/ divorced, to continue your employment and live independently, not with your parents, and feed yourself?
anitaDecember 29, 2016 at 9:45 am #123900
I am independent and can live a good life. But I can't imagine breaking up with my parents. I am not dependent by they are dependent on me a lot.December 29, 2016 at 10:02 am #123902
If you are not dependent on your parents but they are dependent on you, then you are the one with power over them, not the other way around. They need you, how can they disown you? I suppose they will disapprove and make disowning-gestures, as not invite you to the table to eat with them. If that happens, you can be the one to communicate the following to them:
I will disown you, I will stop supporting you unless you invite me to the table to eat with you; unless you behave these ways toward me (and be specific about those ways).
anitaDecember 29, 2016 at 6:27 pm #123961
Can I really communicate to them that I can leave if they are not good with me? It's something I have never imagined of.
And do u know, the kind of loneliness I went through as a child, my father doesn't feel it was bad and his mistake. Once when I was upset with some fight with my husband and was telling my father that he ( my husband)doesn't understand me and doesn't connect with me, I had told my dad how I miss my ex and in that flow of discussion I told him how he and my mom never were there for me…..He dint agree they both hurt me and are responsible for my loneliness. I felt rejected and ignored that time as he dint feel he was wrong anywhere. That was the first time in my life I communicated with him abt something so imp and so deep. But he denied, dint even try to understand.
I wish I was stronger to digest that past, but I feel because I din't get much attention from them I am in such a needy n clingy situation now. I want to ask you that is it important to settle this unsaid anger and disappointment with him so I can look forward and forget the past? Is it possible to get a closure of that past?December 29, 2016 at 7:14 pm #123965
As to the last part of your post: is it important to settle this unsaid anger and disappointment with him- you mean your father?
From your shares, you were alone as a child; your parents were not there for you. So if they disown you- what will you be losing?
I see no hope in making your father understand- or care to understand you, not as the child that you were, and not the woman you are now.
I believe you owe your father nothing; I believe you owe your mother nothing.
Is there a way for you to make the separation happen and move away, far away from your parents, his parents, and people who know all the individuals involved? A new fresh start someplace else… maybe even another country?