I can not live normal anymore I can not accept it

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This topic has 15 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 12, 2016 at 1:52 pm #112259
Qrasy
Participant
hello,
At the beginning, I am so sorry for my terrible English.

By reading this post, you are reading to the most devastated , depressed person who got this with only two months relationship!

A few months ago, I met a girl by a coincedence, we were taking a course that does not relate to our educational background!

She is 6 years older than me, I found that we even studied in the same university ( which is in another country from where we live and met).

It was my first reationship ( I am 27 bthw) It started as a friendship, but it turn completey to a very very very deep love from my side.

Because we live in Islamic country, our meetings were too short and limited, but it was my most beautiful moments I have ever lived. I used kiss her hands , bring her roses every time we met, bring her chocolates and anything she likes.

Because I am fresh graduate with a master degree from a decent university, she thought that I will get a very good job easily.

But it was the opposite, It has been 8 montha since I graduated and I couldnt find job yet.

We planned many things, our life, our plans, places to visit, activities to do and many many things. We used to talk by phone over 8 hours a day. I love her as hell.

After she got down because I could not find a job, she started to turn into another person. She started to not respect me and talk with me unreluctnetly.

Then I traveled to attend my graduation, and during the graduation she told me that everything should stop and we will not be like before because my future is not clear and I could not secure her life.

To be honest, she asked me before she broke with me to start a business and I was totally agree but I told her that we need to think carefully about it, she was in a rush and she wanted everyhing to be so fast.

I tried many many times to get her back, I told her just give me time, I will get a job and everything will be alright dont worry, I can even donate some of my organs if we need money.

She was stubborn and she refused that.

We turned to friends for less than one time and once we fighted for nothing and she told me I will not talk to you anymore!!

Now, after almost two months, my life is like hell. I still feel the same feeling when she broke with me.

I cant focus in getting a job, I cant focus with my friends when I meet them. I almost read all the topics online about recovery, healing, no contact rule almost everything.

We are in a muslim country with tight culture. I will not get a girl like her, even If got, she will not be like her. I am 27 and this is my first relation because I couldnt found a girl like her. All my day is like hell, I literally could not think about anything else for more than 5 minutes, literally. I got back to smoking after 4 years quitting. My entire day is her. I could not heal and the time is not healing me. Even if I healed, our traditions in marriage will not allow me to find a girl I love and like.

I am so scared, I could not enjoy anything even for 3 minutes or so. I read most topics here and I am not getting better at all even 1%.

I could not realize that, I couldnot accept it. I am calculating a possibilites that she will come back but I know she will not. And If I tried to contact her she will step back more and more. I am dying everyday 100 times.

Please help me, I literally lost my life and my self. I could not encourage myself. I could not find something to focus at or to work forward. I am ao depressed and my heart is hardly broken.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Qrasy.
August 12, 2016 at 2:50 pm #112262

Anonymous
Guest

Dear qrasy:

You come from a culture where women think that men are stronger simply because they are males, as if the bodily structure gives men mental strength. Not at all. As you can see yourself, you are deeply hurt and wounded. Your pain is intense.

She doesn’t understand it. She thinks you are all powerful because you are a man. She thought you could get a job, start a business anytime, right away and make it a success, easily. Why? Because you are a man.

You are 27. She is 33 then. In a hurry to get married. she wanted you to hurry. She doesn’t understand the world is not under your control.

Qrasy, she was wrong; she is wrong. She doesn’t understand the basic fact that you are human, breakable just like she is.

Don’t you deserve a woman who understand that you are not all powerful, that you need a woman who is patient with you? Gentle, loving to you? Would be nice if you were involved with a woman who thought of you as an equal, equal in the heart department, loving and easily hurt. And then it would be nice if she cared to not hurt your heart.

anita

August 13, 2016 at 1:21 am #112275

Nina Sakura
Participant

Dear Qrasy,

I am sorry it didnt work out with her and you are hurting. How you feel after heart-break is exactly what you are feeling right now. However, though you dont see it at the moment, things will change for the better. You met her at a phase when you were in the middle of unemployment and job search – that in itself is a damn frustrating place to be in and actually worsens depressive tendencies. She was like a breath of fresh air, hope in life…the first love thrill too…after all, what more can one say about someone who we were involved with for 2 months, had limited contact with in person and mostly talked on the phone. Its easy to say big words about love, plan the future, etc but the real challenge lies in actually doing them…Bigger actions, lesser words. She is 33, thats quite an old age for a woman in a Muslim society if she wants to get married. Obviously she would be in a big hurry. There must be pressure from her family too…I do understand that part. It would make sense for her to go for a guy who was settled financially. I am sure she must have been fond of you but clearly she didnt see a future in this. That became obvious to her over time – thank God you people broke up this early, imagine how painful it would have been if she had continued to go on despite not really wanting to.

You are afraid of the future right now and see no respite from this pain. It is out there though. These are trying times indeed but more the reason you have to be more positive – you will find a worthy partner later. I understand that the notion of arranged marriages may make this unlikely but this experience may actually help you in understanding what a worthy girl for you really is. You will be able to choose better. Secondly, if you cant find a full time job right now, perhaps an internship might help or atleast something to keep you occupied during the day. See its a comfortable place to feel bad like this and wallow away in self-pity, feel doomed about the future but you need to push yourself right now to come out of this. You deserve better and you will get it – you will emerge wiser and stronger from this experience. Think about the people whom you love the most other than this woman. They have been with you longer – sometimes we need to be strong for them when we dont have any left for ourselves…

There are two things i want you to do somehow – one is to read this book called “Man’s search for Meaning” By Victor Frankl. The other is to watch this movie called Anjaana Anjaani – its an Indian movie, i dunno if you will find the subtitles for it but its worth a shot.

Please stay strong.
This too shall pass.

Nina

August 13, 2016 at 1:30 am #112276

Nina Sakura
Participant

Here’s a song from the movie which I love and listen to when I feel kinda broken, hopeless…There is something about the lyrics..do read the lyrics. The girl has had her heart-broken by the guy she was supposed to marry and the guy loses everything when the stock market crashes..They both have lost faith in life and want to end it..but life has other plans for them it seems 🙂

August 15, 2016 at 9:35 am #112406

Jeanne Forsythe
Participant

When I was in my 20s and in love with a man I dated five years, I knew I’d never get over it.
I’m not going to tease you. It takes a while. At some point, you’ll realize you weren’t meant to be together. And if you were, your paths will cross again.
I am now married to a man who supports my dreams. I wasn’t looking for someone to take care of me financially. You deserve better than that!
Not only did I get over that first love, I am so happy we didn’t end up together! Now I know what it feels like when someone loves you back.
You are very young and it breaks my heart to hear of your pain. I think of my sons and pray they never feel that pain. But they probably will. It happens to everyone. You will survive!
Focus on what you can do to make your life right and only then pursue love. We all need to earn money … even if it’s not a lot. And we all need to take care of ourselves first.
Journal your thoughts. Make a plan. Get a hobby you love. Go out and enjoy nature. Learn an instrument. The more peaceful you become, the more you will attract the right person. NEVER EVER EVER tell yourself there is only one person. There isn’t. There are millions and millions.
HUGS!

August 16, 2016 at 1:21 pm #112508

Sarah
Participant

If she left you because you had troubles looking for a job, she wasn’t worth it.
I hate to be so direct, but you shouldn’t try to keep close a person who behaves like this. I know it’s hard.
When I’ve been dumped by my first love I couldn’t even believe it. It was a rough time for me and I kept thinking that maybe he was doing it for me, in a way. I have done EVERYTHING to convince him to fix our problems and try again, but after he treated me awfully I simply got that that wasn’t the person I fell in love with anymore.
You will always remember her and the way you loved each other, but you also need to understand that it’s over. It’s hard as hell, I know, but move on. Don’t focus on the fact that you won’t find someone like her, you can still be happy. Focus on yourself, get your life back and sort it out. Think of your projects and what you want to achieve as a person. Every relationship, even a one with her if it’s possible, will come after that.
Been there, done that.

August 25, 2016 at 6:39 am #113238

Qrasy
Participant

Thank you for all of you,

Undfortuantely, I still feel the burn on my chest all the time, the only time I don’t feel this burn is while I am sleeping.

My life is getting hard everyday and I am scared that I could not be back normal anymore.

I meet friends, read books, but always think about her. My only wish is to live just 5 minutes in peace, without thinking about her.

I would like to focus in the book I read, or when I prepare the food for my friends, or even when I drink my morning coffee.

It is getting hard everyday.

I still need you guys.

August 25, 2016 at 10:59 am #113260

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Qrasy:

You meet friends, read books, prepare food, drink your morning coffee and do all the other things you do but you still think of her and feel that burn on your chest, except when you sleep.

I am thinking, maybe you are not noticing that there are moments in your day that you not feeling that burn on your chest but you don’t notice. I am thinking this because emotions and sensations change over time, that is their nature.

If you pay attention (the practice of paying attention is called Mindfulness, and maybe you can read about it), you will be able to learn what parts of the day or what activities help in relieving your pain and pursue those activities more. Mindfulness is very important in the process of healing.

When you have a few minutes break from that pain, notice: I just had a break! What was I doing during that break? Maybe I should do more of that…

anita

August 26, 2016 at 10:04 am #113331

Anonymous
Inactive

Qrasy,

I agree with your assessment that you are depressed. I don’t know what resources are available to you, if you could go to therapy or talk to a doctor or family member or professor whatever about what you’re going through. Even if someone is not a trained therapist, I think it can be useful to get the perspective of someone else on what you’re going through – in person, not just on the internet. (Although we do our best, right?)

Apart from getting help with your depression, I would encourage you to focus on just keeping going. Do the things you would do, with this pain in your heart. Even if the pain is very heavy, and everything seems pointless, do the things that need to be done. Eat, drink coffee, meet friends, read books, look for work, consider business ideas. And don’t fight the pain you feel. Be like, “Yes, hello pain, I know you’re still there. I’ll take you with me as I go shopping, but I can’t let you stop me. I’m still alive and I’m going to keep going.”

Focus on getting your life together – a job, friends, a place to live, things you can do that you enjoy. Leave your romantic prospects by the by for now. It’s a puzzle you can’t solve by thinking. So say “who knows?” and keep going.

Good luck, friend.

August 27, 2016 at 5:41 pm #113459

LLB
Participant

My breakup was a year and three months ago and I still think about him every day.

So I know how you feel. I’m sorry you are in a culture where it’s so hard to meet someone else.

What country do you live in?

August 28, 2016 at 1:55 am #113485
VJ
Participant
Dear Qrasy,

“My only wish is to live just 5 minutes in peace, without thinking about her.
I would like to focus in the book I read, or when I prepare the food for my friends, or even when I drink my morning coffee.
It is getting hard everyday.”

You are at the right place. You are definitely going to be “heard” and be able to make peace with your situation.

1) Do Ho’oponopono

I’M SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME THANK YOU I LOVE YOU
Please do not miss going through the below link.

http://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/practice-hooponopono-four-simple-steps/
Don’t worry about who you’re asking. Simply say it! Say it over and over. Mean it.
You may ask it to whom you believe as God, or to Nature, or to the Universe, or to Life, or to your own self, or simply to nobody.

Just say it either mentally, loudly or softly or however it is comfortable with you.

If you do not feel love (like some people do), then you can also skip the last part of I LOVE YOU and rehearse the rest of the line.

2) Another similar variation

Format: I _______ FORGIVE YOU _____________, YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME
Example: I FORGIVE YOU , YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME

Keep saying this the same way. Either mentally, loudly or softly or however it works best for you.
You said you can’t forget her or remove her from your head. So don’t try to remove. Instead, while saying the above, if the girl’s image comes to the screen of your mind, let it come, allow it to come. Don’t push it. Don’t resist it. What you resist will persist.

While saying “YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME”, you can also imagine this person getting RELEASED from your head or wherever you said like in your chest. Don’t worry if you are weak in visualization like some people are. In that case, simply keep chanting.

These energetic exercises do not necessarily always mean that you or they have done anything wrong, but it is to break the negative link or to cut the negative energy cords. The end result would be harmonious and in alignment with you and for your greater good.
Soon you will be back on track with your life.

Remember to say it as many times as possible. You can even say it involuntarily (meaning: just like alphabets ABCD… without thinking much about them). If you are doing something else and you are disturbed by her memories, then immediately start chanting and do it continuously till you are OK. Who is going to bother what’s going on in your head, so don’t worry about other people knowing it.

You said you want to feel at peace even just for 5 minutes. Please do either or both of these at least for 1 full week and post back how you feel about your situation. You may want to rate the intensity of the issue before beginning the process (on a scale of 1 to 10) and then compare it after 1 week. I’m sure you are going to feel much more peaceful about it. You may very well continue after that until the situation or thoughts about the girl no more disturbs you. Thoughts may come but they lose their intensity and may no longer bother you anymore.

Best Luck.
August 28, 2016 at 6:33 am #113498

avk
Participant

Dude,

I know excatly what it feels like, I was much younger than you but I went through the same experience. To keep it short. you will need to wait untill your emotions settle down, if you cant focus on anything – fuck it – dont focus on anything, if you need some comfort from your loved ones get it, life feels like shit sometimes, and its ok – shit produces mangos in the end –

Anyway wait for your emotions to settle down and do whatever makes you feel better meanwhile – once they settled you wil see things clearly and you will know what to do – even if that means not knowing what to do.

My post is not going to help , but as an X muslim myself, I know the fucking society we live in gives you limited choices but since my last break up I got many oppurtunites , dont worry, and let all the emotional garbage settle then you will know excatly what to do.

Dont push or resist the emotions let them fucking be.

Yours

August 28, 2016 at 10:10 am #113507

Anonymous
Guest

*avk: Please lose the F word in future posts. Profanity is against website guidelines.
anita

August 28, 2016 at 10:28 am #113511

avk
Participant

Hi Anita,

This is how I speak , I don’t step on someone else’s toes , it’s just the way I speak.

Every is accustomed to a different tune.

This is mine sorry.

August 28, 2016 at 10:30 am #113513

avk
Participant

I can sensor it for people who are sensitive , but this is how I f@king express myself.
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