i dont feel the love

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This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 9 months ago by turquoise115.

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July 26, 2015 at 9:07 pm #80547

b
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I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years we have been together since i was 15, he is my first and only proper relationship. I have been having quite a hard time the last year and a half, I’m struggling to find my purpose in life. I had recently quit a job that I felt I had been ‘stuck’ in for three years as I thought it was making me depressed. The people I worked with where great i just couldn’t stand doing the actual job anymore. I didn’t want to be stuck in the rat race I have a different vision for my life, I want to live a simpler life , a happy one. I’m 2 months into un employment and I don’t feel any happier I thought quitting the awful job in search for my purpose would make me a bit happier. Although I think it might be my relationship that was making me unhappy all along. The last couple of years I have had these underlying feelings that he may not be the one for me. I love him dearly but I’m not ‘in love’ him anymore. I cant live like this anymore I feel empty, lost and numb and sometimes I just don’t know what to feel. Things were great at the beginning of the relationship as most are.. we have been through so much and I would still like to be friends with him, I have tried several times in the last year to leave but he always threatens suicide. I know he still loves me so much and I hate myself because I don’t want to hurt him at all. He says he doesn’t want to be with anyone else… I know its wrong to keep stringing him along in this relationship but I don’t want him to kill himself over me. I just want a break to see if this relationship is what I really want. I’ve been in a relationship since I was 15 so I never really go to discover myself and what I like to do. Im going on a holiday soon alone for 3 months to Europe so I’m hoping I will find some clarity or answers as to what I want to do with my life and this relationship. I just need some advice before I get to deep into depression and self pity, I really love him and his family and all of the people I have met through him, but i don’t have ANY friends of my own literally none. I am afraid if I leave I will loose everything and have to start over. Someone please give me some advice 🙁

July 27, 2015 at 2:18 am #80551

Annie
Participant

Hello b192,

You said were 15 when you began dating. Of course, we change so much through our teen years and even as young adults. We change throughout our entire lives, but our “young adult” years are where most of the change occurs because of college, education, family, level of thinking, environment, etc..etc. I do not believe there is “the one,” but we certainly have a choice in who we want as our partner. You said you feel empty, lost, and numb and lack purpose. This may have to do more than your relationship (your relationship is just a part of it). It seems as if you need to re-discover yourself.

To threaten suicide is abusive behavior. It’s controlling and manipulative to keep someone from leaving. You mentioned wanting a break because you have been together for so long, so, that may be a short term solution to figure out what you really want. It also seems as if you have lost yourself in the relationship because you don’t have any friends of your own. Staying in a relationship because you’re afraid to leave is worse than leaving. It’s also unfair to your boyfriend because he can go on and meet someone else who is a better match for him. Some relationships end abruptly and others drift apart over time. What do you think?

Annie

July 27, 2015 at 4:50 am #80555

b
Participant

Hi Annie

Thanks for your advice 🙂 it means a lot, especially as I don’t have anyone I can talk to about my problem. All I want is for both of us to be happy. It is just really hard because I do think he will commit suicide or at least hurt himself and that is not something I want at all I don’t want him to hurt because I still do care about him. We have had fights before and I see him intentionally hurt him self because I say I’m going to leave e.g punching things, smashing his head on the wall or through glass frames. So I stay because it seems easier than leaving. It is just really hard because now I don’t know if I really do want to leave or not. Sometimes I do but then when I think about leaving and how hard it is going to be to start a new life I don’t want to leave. I don’t know if my feelings will go back to how they where in the beginning, he always says he will change but I cant wait around for him to ‘change’ any longer. I also don’t want him to change himself, I believe if your meant to be together you shouldn’t have to change who you are. I don’t know why this is so hard.. I really cant take it anymore.

Your right I need to re-discover myself, I am just really unsure of how to do that. That is part of the reason why I decided to go on this trip I am really hoping it is going to help me decide what I want from my life and who I am. If not I don’t know what I’m going to do to find who I am. I do feel like I’ve lost myself in this relationship. It so hard somedays I just want to sit and feel nothing.

July 27, 2015 at 6:54 am #80558

Saiisha
Participant

Dear b192, I love the advice Annie provided – it seems right-on! In addition, you have a question about how to go about re-discovering yourself. I think you’re going on this trip to Europe with the right frame of mind (to re-discover yourself), and not simply to escape. And also doing some homework now so you’re prepared. These are all pointers to show that you’re ready and on the right track!

Here’s a few prompts to think about finding your purpose:
– What makes me joyful? What makes my soul come alive? What makes me intensely happy?
– What in the world makes me cry out of sorrow?
– What is the change I wish to see in the world? How do I embody the change I wish to see?

Also, I was trying to paste a link to one of my articles that might help, but TB forums doesn’t allow most links. If you’re interested, do email me at saiisha[at]rocketmail.com. You can also find me through my website – you can find the link under my profile if you click on my picture.

I’d love to help you along on finding your path to Peace, Presence and Purpose!
Namaste, Saiisha

July 27, 2015 at 7:37 am #80561

Ria
Participant

Hey,
I was going through the posts, and yours particularly caught my attention.
don’t get me wrong, but i can actually feel what your boyfriend is going through or will go through when you will break the news. I faced a similar situation three months ago when my boyfriend broke up with me saying that he was confused and wanted to find the purpose of his life. What followed was two months of begging,pleading,crying and bargaining from my side because i could hardly think of leaving him after 4 and half years of relationship. Today, i am moving on, i too threatened him saying that ‘this breakup would sabotage my career,my studies,my health’, he was scared and he lingered on for a while but clearly he was not doing it from his heart. I realised that i didn’t hv the right to do this, he has the right to move out of this relationship when he doesn’t feel like staying. If your boyfriend really loves you, he will let you go. Ofcourse there will be a period of turmoil and chaos , but he would gradually realise that its selfish to tether someone against their will. He loves you a lot, therefore its natural for him to react that way.
my ex boyfriend had broken the news in a very harsh and inconsiderate manner. I would suggest you that you tell him in a more sober and understanding way. Take time to explain him the details and reasons for this decision. And leave the rest on him and on time.
I have not been able to forgive my ex because he never showed any emotions during our breakup, nor did he explain to me properly. Had he been a bit sensitive , i would not have been this shattered. You don’t do this mistake.:)

July 27, 2015 at 8:48 am #80567

Anonymous
Guest

Dear b192:

You were unhappy with your job, the nature of your work there and you quit. After you quit you found out you did not feel better. You then gave thought (or more thought) to the possibility that your relaionship is making you unhappy. You are hoping that a trip to Europe will help make you happy. Is this an accurate enough description of what is happening so far?

I hope the trip to Europe will provide the distraction you need to become calm, really calm enough so that you can figure things out afterwards. I hope you do not expect to figure out things during the trip. I am afraid you will be disappointed again if this is your expectation, just as you got disappointed that after quitting the job you’d be happy, or happier.

My feel is that the things you need to figure out, you can figure out when calm, not presently when you are distressed and overwhelmed. The best the trip to Europe can provide, I believe, is that state of calm, through distance from your daily troubles as they are now.

The things you need to figure out, I believe, you will figure out when you are back from Europe, through interactions with your boyfriend and through looking for employment and your other activities.

Regarding your suicide threatening, head smashing on-the-wall boyfriend: in reality, if he doesn’t smash his head too hard, in reality he is not hurting himself, he is only threatening to hurt himself. The real affect of his behavior is that you hate yourself (you wrote: “I hate myself because I don’t want to hurt him at all). So what he is doing is hurting you. Re-state this: your boyfriend is hurting you. Encouraging you to hate yourself is equal to hurting you. Does a person who loves another repeatedly hurt the one they supposedly love? Repeatedly hurt the “loved” one? As in a pattern of suicidal talk and head smashing and fist punching things?

You wrote that your boyfriend says he will change and you can’t be waiting for him to change forever. I agree with your logic. ANd I will add to your point about change that you too are afraid of change (you wrote: “I think about leaving and how hard it is going to be to start a new life I don’t want to leave.”) So it is not only that you are afraid he will kill himself but you are afraid to live without him, to make the changes you need to make. Need to be aware of your own fear, fear for your own safety once you give up something that has been there for so long, six years.

If he does kill himself your responsibility for him doing that will be ZERO. You will be as responsible for him killing himself as you would be for someone you never met who killed himself or herself. And notice this, if you will, his behavior has nothing much to do with actually killing oneself. Two different animals- sometimes related- but two different animals. My mother, for example, first threatened to kill herself, according to my memory, when I was five years old. I so believed her I developed a variety of anxiety disorders that took years out of my life, decades. Fast forward, I am 52 talking to her on the phone and she said: “I don’t care if I live or die.” That was the last time I talked with her. I am now 54. She is 74. She is still alive. Her threatening suicide again and again and again for 49 years of my life did not, at all, translate to a single effort to kill herself. A totally different animal, the threats and the one, final action- or the one sincere effort to make that one final move. Please see it for what it is, if not now, I hope you do after you achieve a state of calm.

anita

July 27, 2015 at 1:24 pm #80588
Annie
Participant
Hello again b192,

If someone hurts themselves then it isn’t your fault. He may be afraid of being alone, genuinely care about you, or just be dealing with depression. None of those are your fault. I love what others have said here. How you go about the break up makes a huge difference. Sit down and be assertive and let him know how you feel. You mentioned some things such as not feeling in love, wanting to discover new things, feelings of unhappiness..etc. People always think the duper is a terrible person, but that’s not always true as it seems you care about him deeply. Don’t leave any sense of doubt that you will not follow through with the break up. If you really think he will commit suicide, then can you talk to a member of his family who you are close to? Let them know that you are genuinely worried about them. I’m not sure what your relationship with them is like and if you can trust them. If that is out of the question, then get in touch with emergency personnel such as EMS or police. First, figure out what you want. This figuring out has to do more than the break up. Think about whether the relationship is still serving your needs, is it making you happy, do you see yourself together in the future, is there respect and kindness, and is there rapport? He says he will change, but it seems as if you have already given him a chance to change (6 years is a long time). To some degree all relationships need compromise, however you should never compromise your happiness or respect for another person.

You are still young and so am I. I’ve been on both ends of the table as the dumper or dumpee, so I know how difficult both of them can be. I believe there are other people who may be better suited for you and for him. Just because we leave a relationship does not mean we have failed the other person or that we HAVE to make it work. Because you haven’t been in many other relationships, you should know that the first break up is always difficult. When someone breaks up with you it’s even worse. He may beg or plead for you to take him back. However, human beings are very resilient and we can deal with most things. Time will make everything less painful. Hopefully you can rediscover yourself and find things that make you feel happy. Everyone comes into our life to teach us a lesson. We aren’t meant to be with every single partner we have. It takes a while and learning before we can get into a relationship that truly makes us happy in giving and receiving. Don’t be afraid, but act out of friendly love for the other person. Be kind, but assertive and leave right after. If someone really loves you then they will want whatever will make you happy. If leaving is what you need to rediscover yourself and be happy, then that is what must be done. Not everyone will always understand, but that’s life. Maybe after your trip when everything has settled down and when all of the feelings are gone you guys can become friends. Good luck.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Annie.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Annie.
July 28, 2015 at 6:31 pm #80685

turquoise115
Participant

Never trade your life so that you can look like a good person! Explore, live and grow. Someday you may come back and find that the person you hurt at the time was forced to do the same and is better off for it. If he resents you he was always was a bad person and incapable of a great relationship. If he thanks you, he may be worth a second shot. 😉
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