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Living through the eyes of others

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  • August 23, 2016 at 9:30 pm #113124
    Zita
    Participant

    Recently, I have started noticing a pattern in my behaviour and emotional proclivities. I have a need/ desire to be recognized in different capacities (intellectually, physically ect) by others surrounding my immediate environment. I understand that this drive is manifested in humans in millions of shapes, most prominently in societies which significantly adore social status (western societies for e.g.). However, for those of us for whom this drive is exceptionally powerful, everything we do – including the things we say, the pictures we upload, the clothes we wear, the views we hold – are dedicated to the ‘eyes of others,’ and our psychological well-being waxes and wanes according to their reviews. I constantly find myself in positions where I engage and indulge in activities which allow me to gather attention. Whether physical (buying new clothes every week) or emotional (drinking to gather attention). These behaviors are really troublesome and does not align with my internal belief system and values, hence I experience a lot of anxiety, guilt and cognitive dissonance ( a form of conflict resulting when your behaviour is incompatible with your moral belief system).

    Personally, I am constantly battling between behaving a certain way (nature) vs wanting to behave the ” right way/moral way”. This has gotten to a point where I am depending on others to tell me what is right and wrong. I live under this constant fear of judgment from friends, families, relatives ect. Even though some of this perceived judgment is real, however a majority of it is my self perception or my own judgment of myself through the eyes of others.

    Another thing that arises from all these convoluted feelings, is my inability to be alone and at peace with myself. I need to be constantly surrounded by people. I seek comfort and affection in clothes, people, food. I just don’t know how to be happy alone or be with myself and not have an urge to get noticed (at most times if not all). My self esteem also fluctuates when I view myself from others perspective. How do you find comfort in yourself ? How do you deal with your desire to be recognized and appreciated ? What are some ways that I can resort to healthier coping mechanism and give myself the attention rather than seeking them externally ?

    August 23, 2016 at 10:42 pm #113125
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear Zita,

    I used to be like that before. I still am to some extent and its normal for most people to seek some levels of external validation. The only way out of excess dependence on social cues was to find ease in my own company and skin. This happened when I finally began to understand my nature better and what i wanted from my life. I am an introvert and when i began to do what i enjoyed personally more, i was happier and comfortable with myself. I started using the phone less, going out alone more for long walks without any gadgets, keeping in touch with people i was super close to only and reading more than ever. I still get insecure and sad sometimes but we’re human, ups and downs are inevitable in life. Thats my thinking process but it isnt necessarily yours.

    You are you – thats the part you need to figure out. What do you want for yourself?

    Look at yourself in the mirror one day completely in a raw state – no people to console or advice you, no make-up, no clothes and ask yourself: “Can you accept who you are with the good, bad and ugly?”

    Regards,
    Nina

    August 24, 2016 at 8:43 am #113132
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zita:

    I found your thread fascinating and delightful, so intelligent and honest. I was curious and went back to past thread- read a lot through your thread, going backward all the way to your first thread, March 30, 2014.

    In all your writings that I have read, you wrote nothing about your childhood except on 3/30/14, and that was in parenthesis only: “… ( I have had a tough life growing up, so yes I did have my issues).”

    Nothing else. You also wrote someplace that your parents are of retirement age (while you are now about 27) and depend on your financial help; that is you are financially supporting your parents. I don’t know if you still live with them.

    And now to this thread and my understanding of some of it in the context of your past writings:

    You asked: ” How do you deal with your desire to be recognized and appreciated ? What are some ways that I can resort to healthier coping mechanism and give myself the attention rather than seeking them externally?”

    The key word for me is ATTENTION. Part of you is seeking attention because as is, what needs attended to is in parenthesis, that is hidden from your awareness, inadequately being in your awareness, that is. Until you attend to it, and for as long as you resist it, it will persist.

    If I am correct, what is it in parenthesis, that is: “… ( I have had a tough life growing up, so yes I did have my issues)”- that needs attended to and is it connected to you presently financially supporting your parents, maybe living with them?

    anita

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