Home→Forums→Tough Times→Parents divorcing at the same time of a bad break up. No one to talk to, so alon
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Anonymous.
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June 20, 2016 at 6:27 pm #107794
AnonymousInactiveHello hello, here I am again. Full moon always moves me somehow. @Brav3 absolutely welcome to join as well 🙂
Conflicts with parents always trigger me the pains from the heartbeak. Yes I suppose I am coming along together well and faster than I thought- but once in a while I fall apart. Like today. Something triggered it and then somehow (though I’ve blocked him and deleted him from everywhere) I’ve come across old fb messages between us – probably an unfortunate FB bug, but I was of course digging it. Idk why we make ourselves suffer sometimes anyway. So i read lots of old messages of our last months together. All my suffering was there: of having broken up with him, of regretting, of still loving him, and him using my weakness as an advantage to manipulate me specially in the very end. But there was also the good part of us somewhere between these messages. Our good parts -our love, though as sick and wrong as it was- was there somehow. We still loved each other. Dumb me read everything back again and I fell apart, cried, tears and more tears.
I’ve been rejected so far in every PhD program abroad I’ve applied. There are still 3 chances, I’m trying to find more energy not to give up. But hurts somehow how the fact that I wanted to move abroad and get a PhD was one of the main reasons of the breakup (apart from the fact he didn’t treat me as I deserved and everything else that has been talked about here over and over). So that kind of feels like a failure of all sorts. Sometimes I swear I wish could go back in time and fix the un-fixable.
I really thought my PhD dream was gonna come true, but anyway. I feel stuck and suffocated living with my dad.
As to the person I’ve been going out with – I can’t feel anything about him. Not ready and open to give my heart out. I think I still need time to come together, though I’ve done quite well. There’s more growing to do and more thinking and more planning.
love
CJune 20, 2016 at 7:27 pm #107803AnonymousGuestDear Cath:
Appreciate your update. I like it that you come back to your thread and share your current state of mind and life. Hope there will be a change soon, an acceptance to a PhD program, moving away, far away from any of your parents and getting busy elsewhere, having another relationship, a healthy one. To think what an update in six months will be like… I wonder.
anita
June 20, 2016 at 7:28 pm #107805AnonymousInactiveI wonder that too, Anita.
I like coming back here. I can see my progress…and honestly, it’s the only place i’m heard – and by you, apart from therapists, of course. My friends can’t stand listening to any of that, so. Whenever I feel down, I feel like coming here…
June 20, 2016 at 7:32 pm #107806AnonymousGuestDear Cath:
I can definitely stand listening to you and am interested in listening to you. Anything you want to share here is fine with me, anytime.
anita
June 21, 2016 at 7:12 pm #107895AnonymousInactiveThanks anita! I really appreciate it. Means a lot to me 🙂 really, it is comforting hearing from you.
June 28, 2016 at 11:03 am #108425AnonymousInactiveI’ve been missing him too much 🙁 though I know he doesn’t deserve that. Trying to endure, but ended up messaging him. Of course I got no reply, and that hurt even more… 🙁
June 28, 2016 at 7:40 pm #108445AnonymousGuestDear Cath:
It’s probably you still living with your father, still in the same place and no news regarding your PhD applications. Nothing and no one new so… we gravitate toward the old. It happens, no harm done.
anita
July 24, 2016 at 5:47 pm #110437AnonymousInactiveI’m still not completely up. Sometimes I wish I could travel back in time. Would have done so many things differently. Still miss the ex. All my plans have not worked out. Stuck, stuck, stuck.
July 24, 2016 at 7:10 pm #110443AnonymousGuestDear cath:
You started this thread in January. I re-read all your January posts and indeed you’ve been stuck since January. What I just read is that your ex boyfriend used to put you down as did your mother. You now live with your father and your brother but none is supportive of you. Your need for approval from your mother has been going on all your life then, and you are now 26 or 27. Your plan to take on a PhD program from January didn’t come to fruition six months after you announced the plan here.
I’d say, cath, time to abandon the PhD plan, move out of the home, far, far… far away from your mother, and start a new life. It doesn’t matter at this point what you do for a living, as long as you drag yourself out of that home, out of that town and far… far away.
Please drag yourself out of bed and look at options, forget the PhD for now. Something else, employment elsewhere, another city, far away, another country, maybe.
Please post again soon with a plan!
anita
August 26, 2016 at 7:24 pm #113375AnonymousInactiveHi Anita. Here I am again a month later. Felt like writing.
I’ve been accepted into a PhD abroad, but now looking for a scholarship. Also looking for a job elsewhere. Need to get out of here soon. Trying to get things moving.Anyway- Ex-bf wise, I don’t feel anything for him anymore. However, during this time i’ve been attending loads of therapy and reading a lot.
And plenty of insights lately. I was severely abused during that relationship anita. And also, there’s something key in the whole puzzle that I never wanted to assume it to myself. But the day ex had a rage attack and broke everything around him (back in, idk, november), I tried to stop him and he hit me (sort of accidentally-but as in, he was being extremely violent so i don’t know) – i was hit in my mouth and there was blood. I never wanted to accept this fact to myself. Always ignored it – as if it were nothing.
But the traumas are pretty hard core, anita. I kind of don’t let men get close to me anymore- I used to be this romantic girl and now I’m cold. Really cold. So a progress is that I don’t like him anymore at all and ackownledged these things – but I feel rage and hatred towards him.Anxiety still has not left me. And he was the trigger to my panic attacks. How can he sleep guilt-less? He has cause me stuff I will have to deal with to the rest of my life.
But okay- I’ve been carefully rebuilding myself. And by myself. Proud I got out of this before things got any worse. I was gonna marry and live with this person.
This is it for now.
love and peace.
C
August 26, 2016 at 8:30 pm #113385AnonymousGuestDear Cath:
So glad you wrote this update. Been wondering about you and hoping to read from you soon. My goodness, I didn’t know your ex was that abusive! For crying out loud! What a shame that he left this mark on your life.
I am glad you got more insight, did reading and therapy and you were accepted to a PhD program abroad. I hope you get a scholarship and a job. This will be a New Beginning, a New Life, away from your family and the geographical proximity to the ex. Leave them all behind and move forward.
Write again, soon, will you? Tell me more about what is on your mind and heart and how your scholarship and job search are progressing.
anita
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