January 14, 2016 at 12:50 pm #92539AnonymousInactive
I feel I am completely in despair now.
I have just had a very bad breakup – the man I’ve loved the most in my life, we were going to live together but life brought us apart. I got a job in another city and distance became a major issue in what I thought was a perfect relationship. I only have great memories with him but now everything is broken.
And, to help with that suffering, my mother announced that she is divorcing from my dad. We always got along so well as a family. Im 26, I know I’m not a child anymore, but it’s just as bad. I got the job back at my hometown so i’m back living with my parents – at this terrible time. And I can’t even go back to my boyfriends house anymore now.
I don’t know where to go or what to do 🙁 I need hugs and I have no one to hug now 🙁January 14, 2016 at 2:21 pm #92546SaiishaParticipant
Oh gosh cath, seems like life throws bad things in threes sometimes, doesn’t it? So sorry to hear about your suffering! I know there’s not a whole lot anyone can say that would make your pain go away, but I do believe that these difficult times teach us things about ourselves that we never knew about. So hang in there!!January 14, 2016 at 2:31 pm #92547SamdlbParticipant
Cath, here’s a virtual hug for you!
It sounds like a horrible ordeal that you are going through, and I can only send my best wishes.
Coming from someone who’s parents split up and going through the arguing and all the darker thoughts about my family breaking up, it is important to try and see things from their point of view. Ultimately, if they are divorcing they sincerely feel as though they will be happier apart. There then brings the promise of much happier times for both of them, and bringing new people to your family who will give your parents each the love and happiness they deserve.
As for your ex-boyfriend, I am sorry that things did not work out. As with anything it will take time to get over it. Although hard as it may be right now, it may be the right time for you to begin to spend more time on yourself, and get to know yourself more. You have the opportunity to spend some time alone and perhaps explore yourself in a way that you haven’t been able to in a relationship. Loneliness is something that everyone struggles with at some point in time, and it is important that when they do they learn to feel content being with themselves. I know it sounds really corny, but stick with it!
Best wishes.January 14, 2016 at 6:38 pm #92553
Please let me know, cath, if I understand what happened correctly:
You had a loving relationship with a man when you were living in your hometown. You moved away from your hometown, to a city a great distance from your hometown for a new job there, in the city. Your parents and your boyfriend continued to live in your hometown while you lived in the city. Because of the great distance, the relationship with your boyfriend ended. You continued to live in the city, doing your job.
Soon after, your mother told you she is getting a divorce. When you heard that, you left your job at the city and moved back to your hometown, back to your parents’ house (who are not divorced yet) so to be emotionally supportive of your mother while she is getting a divorce.
Did I get it as it happened… or did it happen differently?
anitaJanuary 15, 2016 at 5:59 pm #92647AnonymousInactive
Hi Anita, and everyone else,
I am very grateful for the replies, for real.
Anita, in regards to your question, I was living in another town with my boyfriend, and ended up getting a job in my hometown, so I had to move back to my parents house. I had lost my job while living with him and had a hard time struggling to find another in the same city, as it is smaller and has less opportunities. Hometown is actually a big city.
Things started going bad 6 months after I was in the new job… boyfriend was putting a lot of pressure to move back. I wanted to but the pressure blew things off… I have so many regrets right now. I should have had more patience, I should have thought better, etc…January 15, 2016 at 6:55 pm #92649
Why did you not stay with your boyfriend even though you lost your job? Was he not able to support you while you looked for a job there? Did he not want to?
anitaJanuary 15, 2016 at 7:32 pm #92650
I don’t know if you want or should answer my questions. I am a curious person as far as what motivates people and how things come about. But it is okay if you post anything you want, no need to answer me. Share anything at all, if you’d like…
anitaJanuary 15, 2016 at 11:12 pm #92652TriangleSunParticipant
Neither person in a healthy relationship pressures the other to do something. Instead they work out a solution that accommodates and takes into consideration the situation of both people in the relationship. It sounds like you had no option but to move if you wanted to pursue your career and your boyfriend thought of nothing better to do but to turn a blind eye on what was important to you and pressure you to move back to be with him. I don’t see anything to regret here.January 16, 2016 at 5:26 am #92658AnonymousInactive
I’ve been having rage attacks with my mother and I’ve become jealous of when ex goes out and etc. This is not me. This is not healthy me. I’m out of control.
I did not stay with him because at the time he could not support me indeed. We were in a very short budget. All my savings were running out and his salary at the time would not be able to maintain us both.
TriangleSun, you are actually right. The relationship was definitely not a 100% healthy and I have to keep reminding myself of that.January 16, 2016 at 9:40 am #92665
I am sorry you are having such a tough time!
The fact that you were not in the position to financially live with your boyfriend makes it clear to me that indeed you had no other choice but to move elsewhere so to have a job and be able to financially support yourself.
Please do share about your rage attacks with your mother who intends still on getting a divorce. It is her personal business and I hope she is not burdening you with it. It is hers to deal with and you have enough on your plate.
Please share, there may be things to examine and evaluate and once done, clear up your mind and heart so life becomes easier for you. Do you think it is a good idea for you to share examples or specifics for examination, insight and deeper understanding for the purpose of promoting your well being?
anitaJanuary 17, 2016 at 11:37 am #92831AnonymousInactive
yes, anita, my mother was burdening me with that I have tried many times to make it clear for her that it is her own business. I really want to know how not to feel devastated daily, because this is how I feel. I feel I have no control over my life. Indeed- I do not have control over people and will never have – but I always let things happening instead of being more proactive. And I have a hard time with my self esteem. So no boyfriend, and no family per se, I feel alone and bad about myself.January 17, 2016 at 1:19 pm #92833AnonymousInactive
Also to make it worse – I’m doing phd applications and the deadlines are all approaching and I have zero focus to finish the stuff. Where do I find this strength??? At least if I get approved I move to another city and start a new life 🙁January 17, 2016 at 2:19 pm #92839
You have no social support, as you indicated, not a boyfriend and not a parent who is there for you. Your mother is adding to your distress, not taking any of it away. It would be better for you to move out and leave your mother to attend to her business without burdening you.
How do you get the strength, you asked. By connecting with another, having some sort of social support. And until you have people in your life to support you in person, here on tiny buddha, I at the least, will be here. Every time I read a post by you, I will answer.
You are welcome here to talk to me, to others, to express yourself, your needs, feelings, sadness, anything and everything, and as I wrote, I will read. “listen” and respond. Doing this, sharing here is a proactive move on your part: you choose to do so, you initiate what and how much to share and you open yourself to feedback, and evaluating what is helpful to you, and what is not.
I find a lot of support on this forum. It works for me, so why couldn’t it work for you…?
The strength you need is within you but as the social beings that we are, we need someone to help bring it out, feel it and realize it.
anitaJanuary 18, 2016 at 1:09 pm #92900AnonymousInactive
Thank you very much for your words. They are really kind and made me feel better.
Days have been hard to get by. I miss the support I would have from the ex- but he is being a terrible person with me and putting me down all the time. It is confusing to accept that actually he is not good for me anyway. I once thought we’d actually have a life together.
I’m very unstable… I can’t get out of my house right now. My mother has left us to my grandmother’s house, but my father is here devastated. So it’s a lot from both sides. I had to cut all that was coming from my mother because only her presence would make my anxious.
I just need some light, I don’t know.January 18, 2016 at 1:23 pm #92901
One day it will be so much better for you, so much better. You will look back at this distress and it will be in the past, long gone. To get to that future, let us learn from the present so that we can move to a better future…
Your mother and your father are of no support to you. You need support. They are focused on their distress and are not paying attention to you. This is probably not new.
And your boyfriend who put you down- well, this was not the support you needed!
You know what is NOT support: people focusing only on their distress and not seeing yours; people passing on their distress on to you by dumping it on you and going as far as putting you down, this is abusive.
Support is when someone SEES you, see your distress and says: I see you and YOU matter. I will hold your hand until you are calm and when you are calm and feeling safe, we will figure out what to do.
Can you get away from your father’s presence? Take a walk… stay away from the two of them while still living there (the longer term goal is to move away, maybe in a few weeks….)
And now and then, you will choose supportive people to be in your life, un-choosing those who dump and pass on their distress onto you.
May you soon find peace… and until then, please post anytime, as much and as often as you want.