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Taking care of anger when others disrespect

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  • #105239
    Giulia
    Participant

    I’m reading Thich Nhat Hahn’s book Anger, and it is bringing up a lot of sadness for me. And as life does, I’m being given another opportunity to work on my biggest obstacle – sticking up for myself. I fear hurting others, but then end up doing so inadvertently because anger builds up negatively inside me, however much I try to push it down.

    Thich Nhat Hahn says that our anger if a suffering baby, and to cook the anger. To act when calm and full of compassion.

    One issue that shows up for me is my MIL. Since I got married and before when dating, she has made it clear she dislikes me and I try to help her like me by defending myself. She talks badly of me to even MY family members. She says I am too sensitive, that I make her son irresponsible because I’m not grateful for him, that he’s really nice, that I should be lucky for him, that I’m idiolistic and am unhappy if I don’t have utopia.

    When I was younger I had very poor self esteem. I’ve worked a lot in myself. She doesn’t appreciate any of my qualities. She says I’m ungrateful but has never recognised anything positive about me.

    I can see how I’ve been ungrateful. I can see where I’ve been idiolistic. I don’t need her evaluation.

    I’ve posted before about DH. He’s arranged two international moves against my wishes. Made us very vulnerable, struggled to bind it empathise with our children.. I’m not perfect but I certainly would never behave like him. The fact she says he did all that because of me – despite me begging him to stop, is so unfair!

    I have repeatedly tried to encourage my kids to have a relationship with her. I’ve never told her to be a better grandma but I have told her they aren’t used to being punished, bribed and threatened and as that is her go to, they struggle being around her.

    I am trying to feel compassion for her – I can see her hatred is probably her own hatred for herself, something she hasn’t been allowed to express. It has nothing to do with me.

    I feel like saying to her why does she email me telling me she can’t change but then tell me to change!! If she really believes her son is asking so hurt fully because of me ten actually I have to leave him. I can’t chance either – I actually live the part of me that wants to chance my life for the better, I agree that the purpose of life is to leave the world better than I found it.

    I want to uninvite her unequivocally from ever making evaluations and sharing them with me again.

    #105240
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Giulia:

    It is a mistake to try and feel compassion for a person who is actively hurting you. It is a distortion of nature to do so and it leads to sickness or it magnifies sickness. Think of this: if a deer felt compassion for the lion approaching it, and so waits there so to let the lion know, that it (the deer) understands the lion, why it is approaching it, know and is empathetic to the lion quest to satisfy its hunger, then the deer will be eaten. Instead, what nature prescribed is that the deer, upon seeing the lion approach, feels fear, not empathy, and runs away. Or if it can’t run away, it will feel anger so to prepare to somehow fight the danger and survive.

    We are animals. Our emotions prepare us to operate for our survival and thriving. When we depart from the understanding that we are primarily emotional, before logical, we get sick.

    Your mother in law is such a predator. Her verbal output is hurting you. What is the purpose of feeling empathy, compassion for her? Maybe after she is no longer hurting you, you may want to weaken your anger because then it would have no function, the danger will be over. But for as long as she is hurting you, fear and/ or anger are appropriate: you need to run away or fight. Not as simply as the deer when approached by the lion, but still, same principle.

    If the book you are reading suggests you engage in empathy for a person who is hurting you, then the message in that book is wrong, distorted and harmful in itself, further complicating trouble, not resolving it.

    anita

    #105266
    Gary R. Smith
    Participant

    Hi Giulia:

    {{I am trying to feel compassion for her – I can see her hatred is probably her own hatred for herself, something she hasn’t been allowed to express. It has nothing to do with me.}}

    Feeling compassion authentically is never a mistake. Trying to have compassion when it is not felt does not serve a useful purpose. When you rise above the behavior of others without feeling superior you are drawing from your inner wellspring. Keep drawing from it and you will not thirst.

    Biologically, humans are mammals. However, we are distinct (not superior) in that we do not function primarily from instinct. We have capacities of self-awareness, self-responsibility, reasoning, logic, morals and ethics which other mammals do not. When you choose real compassion for one who is abusive towards you, you are in a stronger position to set appropriate boundaries and act wisely rather than from bestial instincts and emotions.

    In ‘The Anatomy of Fear’ on Psychology Today, John A Call Ph.D., J.D., A. wrote, “Fear is an emotion we all experience at one time or another, and its effects are important to understand when talking about disasters…. The blood flows away from the heart and out towards the extremities, preparing the arms and legs for action. These effects served us well millennia ago, in situations where we were faced with beastly animals that thought they had found dinner.

    “In modern times, however, bodily responses to fear can be detrimental, especially since the most important one is a negative one: the brain basically shuts down as the body prepares for action. The cerebral cortex, the brain’s center for reasoning and judgment, is the area that becomes impaired when the amygdala senses fear. The ability to think and reason decreases as time goes on, so thinking about the next best move in a crisis can be a hard thing to do…. These dissociative symptoms can make it hard to stay grounded and logical in a dangerous situation. Essentially, the body’s response to fear or stress can be stressful in itself.”

    Dr. Call’s article is reprinted in full, with suggestions for self-empowered ways to respond to fear, on
    http://www.wholehuman.emanatepresence.com/realizations-blog/how-to-recognize-the-great-deceiver

    You have other options than to run away or fight, and only you can find the one which feels right. I suggest you first strengthen your inner core. Know yourself. Listen to the innate wisdom you were born with for guidance. Then act in ways that are true to you. If that results in separations, remain steadfast to being true to yourself and trust in life to see you through. This approach will best serve you to grow stronger and into the person you can become.

    Write again when you feel and to ask for more specific suggestions.

    Best to you,

    Gary

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