fbpx
Menu

Unable to fall in love?

HomeForumsRelationshipsUnable to fall in love?

New Reply
Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #72030
    Catherine
    Participant

    Hello everyone!

    I would like to get some perspective on the situation that I’m going through now, any comments would be greatly appreciated!

    My wonderful boyfriend and I split up on Sunday. It was a shock to me when he announced that he had never fallen in love with me and probably wouldn’t because previously he has fallen in love strongly and quickly. He thought a clear cut would be better. Until that day everything had been seemingly perfect with us, we were both happy in the relationship, we always had a good time together and spent a lot of time together. But he had realized that he wasn’t in love the previous night, it was like a complete realization to him, and although it came so quickly and was a shock I know he made the right decision and only wanted to protect me from further pain.

    I THOUGHT that I loved him, that was my immediate reaction I gave him when he confessed. I felt heartbroken and was crying and in a lot of pain. But after two days of doing just that and feeling like my life was over, I realized in the middle of the night that I didn’t love him either! I felt like my eyes were opened! I think that because the break up came so quickly I didn’t even consider not loving him, after all he really is so perfect and he did mean so much to me.

    Now throughout the relationship I can now see that I had had a nagging feeling like something was missing sometimes before going to bed, but I had completely denied these feelings. The reason for that is that this guy was PERFECT in almost every way. He was and is exactly what I have been looking for in a man. Kind, considerate, un-selfish, giving, affectionate, handsome, sporty, with a good job, many friends and a lovely apartment. From the start he was my dream come true. And I think that his perfection was clouding my ability to admit to myself that there was something missing, which was the feeling of love, emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Looking back on it now, I feel like I was trying so hard to be his equal, to be perfect for him, that I never really exposed the full me. Our relationship was seemingly perfect, we never argued, have similar values and a sense of humor etc, but the relationship very much stayed on the superficial level. We never talked about “us”, our actions just did the talking. He is not the guy to talk about his emotions, whereas I am, and I felt like I wanted to talk about these things but for fear of putting him in an uncomfortable situation I never brought it up. I never felt quite good enough for him on some level, maybe because I put him on such a pedestal.

    We have had discussions about us only after the break up. He has admitted that the reason he never fell in love is probably because he was still comparing me to his ex-girlfriend who very much hurt him in the end, because she had fallen out of love and he hadn’t. From my side, on top of wanting to be perfect and not showing my fragility and true self, I also have a previous traumatic experience with my ex-boyfriend (complete opposite of this wonderful man I met after him) who used and manipulated and cheated on me. What pains me in all of this (although I accept the fact that it’s over now), is that despite my own insecurities, we still see each other as good for each other. Like we would really want to be together but there’s just not the kind of feeling that we’re looking for, which is really frustrating because for me this guy is still everything that I have ever wanted, despite not being completely in love.

    After all this I’ve come to the realization that I have never been in love. I have been hurt previously, but I can now see that the hurt didn’t come from losing someone I loved, but from being cheated on, being treated badly, I was hurt on a very personal level that shook my self-worth. I have always had problems with my self-confidence, there’s always been a part of me that thinks that I am not good enough. And I always thought that my previous toxic relationship exemplified that. At the moment I met my latest boyfriend, I was in a great state, I thought I had gained a lot of self-confidence after healing from the previous relationship. I felt completely happy on my own and wasn’t looking for a relationship. And I think that’s why I attracted this wonderful perfect man to me.

    And so now I wonder, what went wrong? I had everything I had ever asked for and it didn’t work out in the end because we were unable to have strong feelings for each other. I wanted to make it work so bad with him, and I am still dumbfounded it didn’t work, when we were so happy and seemed to suit each other so perfectly. Did the feelings never arise because I still have some self-confidence issues that I need to work on? Do you have any suggestions on how I could go about doing just that? I feel directionless because I thought I had already managed to overcome these feelings… I want to fall in love and be loved in return and I feel like there is something holding me back! Any suggestions on what that might be?

    Thank you so much in advance 🙂

    #72034
    Yue
    Participant

    Oh wow, thanks for sharing Catherine as I can see a lot of myself in what you wrote. I’ve also had a recent relationship break up where we seem to be perfect for each other in terms of appearence, intellect, hobbies and interests but for some reason it just didn’t work. I too tried everything I could to make it work and after reflecting upon it for a bit, I think this is the crux of the issue. Sounds crazy right but hear me out.

    When we try to make things work, we usually do this by presenting our best side, which in some way say that we are not lovable if we are not perfect. The other thing is that if I tried to do everything perfect, it means that I am not comfortable in being vulnerable with the other person which lead her to being guarded around me as well. So even though most of our encounters were pleasent and civilized, it’s more like how friends behaviour around each other instead of lovers.

    The other mistake I made in that relationship was that I tried to avoid way too many confrontations. There were a couple of things that my ex did that bothered me but instead of saying something about it, I just let it slide or worst, tried to change my perception by rationalising it in my mind. Again, this is akin to saying to myself that that if I express an opinion that disagrees with her’s, she will not love me. However, by avoiding potential frictions in a relationship, there will be no fire and no matter how pleasent it is, it will eventually fade over time.

    So the next time I am in a relationship, I am going to avoid over thinking and just be. If it is going to last the distance, I have to present my true self and let it develop in an organic way.

    #72111
    Stephanie
    Participant

    Catherine –

    I read this and am amazed at how similar it is to what I’m going through right now. I was previously married, and am now divorced from a man who cheated on me. It took a while to decide to date again, but I finally took the plunge! About 3-4 months into a new relationship, he approached me and said he didn’t think he could fall in love with me. He expects that he’s supposed to have this “free falling” into love experience, and because he hasn’t had it yet – he’s convinced he can’t ever love me. Up until that day, everything was perfect. We didn’t fight, we laughed, had a great time together. We were very very good friends – but, like you, our relationship was on a very superficial level. We never discussed our past hurts, we never talked about us. We spent a lot of time together, hanging out and being friends, rather than have deep discussions. It wasn’t until we were “breaking up” that we started to open up. We have discussed how we wish we could just wave a magic wand and feel more for each other – because it feels like there’s something holding us each back. He was everything that I am looking for, and so very different from the other relationships I have had – sweet, kind, loyal, honest, has his life put together.

    My divorce was incredibly painful. My ex-husband sleeping with, and leaving me for, another woman only compounded the feelings that I have had that I’m not good enough. My recent man – went through a very similar experience to me. He was previously married and she left him for another man. The amount of past hurt that our relationship had to face was huge from the start.

    As a result, I’ve decided to go to counseling and work on myself. How can I expect someone to fall in love with me, when I don’t really love myself? I am very convinced, that because I am protective of myself now, I can’t just fall right into love. Loving someone, will take effort and work. I don’t think that 3-4 months was enough time to call it, but I am not going to fight him on it. I know he had to do what was best for him. Because we were both so hurt and so burned, we are protecting ourselves and each other. There are massive walls standing in our way and huge hills to climb.

    I, too, wanted to make things work so badly. We clicked so well – that I am completely shocked by how quickly the end came too. Nothing went “wrong” – we just weren’t in love and didn’t know if we ever could be. So, made a clean cut before we got more invested and it hurt more. I’m taking away a few lessons, and am moving forward and choosing to work on me – because that’s the only thing within my control right now. I’d love to know why the feelings didn’t arise. I’d love to know if there’s something wrong with me, or if the hurt that I experienced in my marriage will forever prevent me from finding love again. I’d love to analyze it and hash it out – but, I think it’s best for me to focus on me, so that the next time a relationship comes knocking at my door; I can approach it with self-confidence and self-love.

    #72172
    Maggie Black
    Participant


    From the start he was my dream come true. And I think that his perfection was clouding my ability to admit to myself that there was something missing, which was the feeling of love, emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Looking back on it now, I feel like I was trying so hard to be his equal, to be perfect for him, that I never really exposed the full me

    WOW! Well said, Catherine!
    I think you just answered your own question.

    Without love, emotional intimacy and vulnerability true love cannot exist. We can only love to the depths we allow ourselves to be seen.
    I have read a lot on how men cannot even fall in love without the vulnerability of a woman in play.

    The vulnerability is what makes us really feel the deep love and stay in love.

    So you two were so right for each other in many ways but that was missing.
    You are on the right track because you instinctively knew that something was missing.

    To see if this indeed was the missing ingredient you could ask to see him and open up and be very vulnerable with your feelings.
    Tell him how you REALLY feel.

    If you don’t want to do this, then just work on opening up in the future.
    I wish you well.

    #72173
    Catherine
    Participant

    Thank you both so much for your replies! It feels incredibly good to know that I’m not the only one going through a situation like this. You both had so many good points that I could completely relate to. I think it plays a huge role on the outcome when we are just making it work so hard and in a way pretending to be something else, like a “better” version of ourselves. And that obviously comes from the fear of not being enough and not loving ourselves the way we should. Just like you guys said.

    I have been through a roller coaster of emotion this week. The day I wrote this it came from a very rational place and wanting to have something tangible to improve myself on in order to not do the same mistake twice. And everyday this week I’ve had so many ups and downs that I’ve questioned my rational, accepting side many times. I think the main observation from this week is that I am still not over this relationship (and I shouldn’t even be, it’s only been a week!) and have been hoping that one day we will be together, if only I would be able to love myself so that he could do the same as a consequence. But yesterday I had a real light bulb moment and realized that by saying to myself that I need to love myself more in order for there to be love between us, I’m actually blaming myself for the end of the relationship, and even though it’s good to want to love myself more, I’m also saying that I have got to change something in order to be loved. And it’s so contradictory! And it just occurred to me that maybe, like I said in my original post, I was already whole and loved myself enough to start a new relationship and love, but maybe it’s not because of me and because of a lack of self-love that it didn’t work out, maybe it’s just not the right person or situation? I feel like I’ve been blaming myself because the relationship didn’t work out. And that’s not loving myself.

    I am a highly analytical person and would do anything to figure out what went wrong in this relationship in order to make it work. But I think I need to accept that sometimes you just can’t fix yourself in order to get something you want. It takes two to tango and it could be that I AM capable of loving and of being loved in return. It’s the over analyzing and making things complicated that is not beneficial. I’ve decided to be more “organic” in what I do, trust my feelings and not try to make it work so hard. I’m going to focus on myself, just like you guys, but not in order to “improve” myself but to accept that it’s okay to feel a bit broken and confused, not being able to rationalize and define your emotions. I’m in a state where nothing makes sense, but the difference to before is that I no longer feel the need to pinpoint what it is that I’m feeling/felt. It’s okay to be confused sometimes without the need to look for a “cure”.

    #72174
    Catherine
    Participant

    Maggie, thank you for your reply! You caught be while I was writing my previous message 🙂

    We actually had a heart-to-heart conversation a couple of days ago. We discussed EVERYTHING. And it was funny because we went through all the things that we should’ve talked about during the relationship in order to make it work, but just a little too late I guess. Especially after this talk I had the feeling like it still wasn’t over between us, because I feel like we had reached a whole new level of intimacy. But I think it’s also because he said some things that really struck me, saying how he also wanted to make it work, me being his exact type, regrets etc.

    But right now I need to let the situation be what it is. He’s not the type to really open up, and he didn’t seem to want to see things further. He admitted that there was something holding him back as well, comparing me to his ex-girlfriend etc, but for now we can’t reverse back the clock and change something. it needs time. And even though we will stay close friends and it’s true that things might be different if we would’ve both been more vulnerable, I also have to move on from the relationship. I can’t keep hoping to make it better by being more vulnerable when he doesn’t show me his vulnerability either (I think this was also a problem). And because he’s not very in contact with his emotions, he wants to make a rational decision and make a clear cut, I am not in the position to try to change his mind. Who knows, maybe someday we will both be able to show our vulnerability, but for now it will just have to be as friends. But at least I now know how important it is to open and be okay in being fragile and imperfect.

    #72175
    Catherine
    Participant

    “We can only love to the depths we allow ourselves to be seen” wow. Beautiful, Maggie. Thank you for that : )

    #72203
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Catherine,

    And it just occurred to me that maybe, like I said in my original post, I was already whole and loved myself enough to start a new relationship and love, but maybe it’s not because of me and because of a lack of self-love that it didn’t work out, maybe it’s just not the right person or situation? I feel like I’ve been blaming myself because the relationship didn’t work out. And that’s not loving myself.

    Yup I did the whole blamming myself thing too and went on a journey to improve myself hoping to get back together with the ex for a year. As a result of that journey, I felt a lot more confident and comfortable in my own skin and had great authentic interractions with the people I meet a long the way. When I got back, the ex and I did give it another shot but it did work out because whenever I am with her, I feel like my old self and I didn’t like that feeling. I find that the thing about human relationships is that when we first get to know someone, we have a lot of steps and misteps along the way but once the routine is defined, it becomes very difficult to change it. The other thing I found when I returned is that though my internal landscape has changed, she is still caught in the same pattern. In the end, it’s just easier to end it rather than keep going.

    I’ve been on a few dates since then and meet some interesting people and one of the things I’ve noticed now is that I pay a lot more attention to how I feel about the other person whilst in the past it is the other way around. If you are looking for an area for improvement Catherine, I would recommend bring autheniticity in your interraction with other people. Instead of trying to play the perfect game or present the best side, just let it be. I find that not only others respond better but that I enjoy our interractions a lot more as they are heartfelt and meaningful rather than just an exchange of information.

    #72231
    Lyuda
    Participant

    )

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Lyuda.
Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.