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  • #69473
    An Ste
    Participant

    I’m cynical and “experienced” enough to know the internet is rarely a place to throw open your heart and let complete strangers take a look at all the madness that’s going on inside it … But I also know that with anonymity comes the unique opportunity to solicit opinion and seek a different perspective without worrying about it all coming back to bite you in the real world. With that said, I’ve been twisted in all manner of directions lately and it’s not something I think I can “solve” – if it can even be solved – on my own.

    I don’t have any real reason for why I’ve been a bit unlucky with relationships in my life. Yes, I’m reserved and very guarded (a little like my dad) and I’ve made what has turned out to be some very poor choices in love (who hasn’t, right?). I went through a bit of a torrid time with bullying in my youth, but I know a lot of people have had it worse than me, so that shouldn’t really be an excuse. I also had a weight problem that meant I spent a very large percentage of my adult life out of shape and very unfit. I know all these things have combined to produce in me a number of character flaws that make it very difficult for me to trust, in a romantic context.

    I’ve been single for seven years (in January), since my last ladyfriend cheated on me unfortunately. It’s happened before, but those are all in the distant past so shouldn’t be such an issue. In that time I’ve watched good friends get together, get engaged, get married and buy houses. I saw strangers get together, and fall apart and repeat that cycle. As the years passed by (too fast, as they tend to do) I felt like I was missing out but, for whatever reason, I couldn’t find that special lady.

    I know you’re reading this without context – what kind of person am I? What are my drives? And I know that makes it hard to understand this and differentiate it from any other “Woe is me, where is love?” So you can only take me at face value when I describe myself as “The go-to guy”; the World’s Greatest Wingman, etc. I don’t trust easily but when I do, I will do anything to help you. I think every woman knows that kind of guy, the one they describe like this: “Oh, he’s lovely. So trustworthy. So reliable, etc.”

    That never unduly bothered me, because like I say over the last seven years I’ve built my fortress very high upon the rocks and hidden behind the walls. I can’t say anyone’s tried to “get-in”, but equally, I haven’t really allowed myself to imagine anyone would, or could.

    So what have we got? Someone who’s been a bit unlucky with love, has had a few hard bruises and has become a bit tougher and reticent on account. What does any of this mean?

    So fast forward to about a year ago, when to accomplish a life-long dream of joining the military, I shed 35% of my bodyweight, got fit and got in. Halfway through my training I get to know a girl who over the course of this last year has ended up being one of those “One-in-a-million” types. We share a lot of common interests, she is absolutely wonderful and I could wax lyrical for paragraphs about all the positives she embodies. I won’t; let’s just say that she’s confirmed I’ve been telling myself a seven year-long lie. I said I didn’t need anyone, wouldn’t let anyone in.

    Maybe it’s because hope never dies no matter how much you starve it, and maybe it’s because she just wouldn’t take no for an answer. Maybe both. Either way, she’s inside the fortress.

    I can’t get across in words how hard it’s been to let her in. I can help people, but I can’t let people help me. I am so perpetually ready to be disappointed, or cast aside, that I built all my reactions to romance around the idea of not letting it happen.

    So, there’s the context you need … Except there is of course one more piece of the puzzle. She has a partner.

    Life in the military is such that you can spend a long period of time away from your loved ones. I don’t want to delve too deeply into her life here because it’s not her problem, it’s mine. Sufficed to say that they’ve been together a long time, and there are signs that he’s begun to take her for granted, and assumed she’ll always be there for him. It’s also her first serious relationship, so she has never known anything or anyone else.

    Anyway, we’ve spent increasing amounts of time together and we’ve grown closer. I’ve gone from encouraging her to improve her own fitness and competing against her in athletics, to arranging trips to see interesting places and helping her with her hobbies. Essentially, I’ve almost taken on the surrogacy of her partner by doing the things he can’t – or won’t.

    I want to make it clear that it remains a friendship, and nothing more. She often uses me as a sounding board about prospective problems or issues with her relationship, and I would never – and I mean ever – do anything to risk this friendship because firstly, I very much like her and secondly, I would never inflict on her partner what’s been inflicted on me twice.

    So that takes us to the present. If you’ve made it this far, I thank you. At this point, I’m not even sure what I’m asking advice for.

    Truthfully, I know what I want to do. I want to cut her off; I want to stop speaking to her and I want her to go away so that I don’t need to deal with this. I can’t think of a more perfect torture for me, personally, than having met someone who somehow gets past my defences, ingratiates herself into my heart whilst being unobtainable.

    I can’t cut her off though, can I? I think this whole rant suggests I can’t. So what am I asking advice on? I don’t know. Genuinely, am I just a cynical nearly-thirty-year-old who enjoys torturing himself on some bizarre level?

    She’s not going to be mine, but that spark of hope that she could somehow one day is absolutely killing me. I want to get rid of her, but I can’t. I absolutely cannot, will not ever make my feelings known because I will not do to her partner what has been done to me. I’d rather suffer than inflict suffering on someone else like that.

    I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. In a juvenile way, I just want it to go away.

    And so ends my anonymous, sorry tale. If you made it to the end of this, I truly thank you because I barely did so myself.

    #69476
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Calavene,

    I might be wrong but it sounds like you are asking the “should I stay or should I go” question. In the ideal world, she will breaks up with her boyfriend and fall in love with you because that way, you won’t end up as the bad guy. Failing that, you want to cut her off so you will stop thinking about it because hope is indeed the most exquisite torture. But if you do this, you will be inflicting pain on someone you love and because you don’t want to tell her how you feel, she will never understand why you are friends one day and get the cold shoulder the next.

    So your options seems to be between hurting someone you don’t know (the boyfriend, and this will only happen if she leaves him for you) or hurting someone you love (which is a certainty if you cut her off). If the relationship between the two of you is as close as you described and that you going to see her regularly due to army training, it’s better to let her know how you feel and let her decide. Afterall, you can only be responsible for your part and it’s for her to decide who to have a relationship with. If she returns your feelings, you don’t have to get together immediately to give her time to break it off with her boyfriend. If she doesn’t, well at least you will both have closure.

    Good luck man.

    #69499
    An Ste
    Participant

    Thanks for taking the time to reply.

    I’m really not sure what I hope will happen. You’re quite right though; there’s no certainty that even if I told her, she would do anything about it. I hope I didn’t come across as arrogant in that regard. The idea of being responsible for breaking them up however, sits very poorly with me. How can I put someone else through what’s happened to me more than once? My happiness (again, this is all very hypothetical) shouldn’t come at the price of his.

    I came to realise that, maybe, it’s just that I am both made happier and made very uncomfortable by the fact she has gotten so close to me, and that I’ve let her. I have a myriad hobbies and little interests that can fill up my days easily. I don’t know when it happened, but they no longer work. They don’t provide a distraction.

    I know she would be hurt if I cut her off, but I feel as if she would recover quickly. At this point it also feels like I’m heading for disappointment no matter my choice.

    #69500
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi calavene,

    It is possible that she does feel something for you, but says nothing because you don’t. It’s also possible that her boyfriend is “Too bad to stay, too good to leave”. A lot of things are possible.

    But let me tell you, in this world it is The Lady’s Choice who she will be with! You are not responsible for breaking up a relationship. You don’t have that much power! She does. She could break up with him when he doesn’t propose on Christmas or for missing Valentine’s Day. Or because she wants to. You are not a caveman who could simply carry her away. She is not an object or another man’s possession. She is a sovereign free agent. Her own being. Her boyfriend is just that. A boyfriend. Not a husband. Not a fiancé.

    I say, put your guilt aside, tell her how you feel. If all is well, she will reciprocate and let her boyfriend be responsible for his own feelings. Or, she will gently let you down easy. But what a relief! To get that off your chest, and not live with “What If?” I think her saying “No” (or “Yes”) to you is vastly better than setting her aside.

    Just my Opine,

    Inky

    #69513
    An Ste
    Participant

    It’s good advice, but I find myself flooded with an almost paralysing fear of making the admission. It’s madness to suffer in silence, isn’t it? Yet I almost feel like that’s preferable to upsetting the status quo.

    I’ve spent seven years building walls high enough that no-one was supposed to be able to get in … But I don’t know if I can get out.

    I suppose that sounds pathetic, but there it is. I think I am genuinely scared of what might happen, good or (probably) bad.

    I feel like a Lighthouse sometimes. There to warn or help others but pretty much left to my own devices until I fall into the sea or something.

    Have I just gone mad?

    #69553
    Inky
    Participant

    My dear calavene,

    Remember that everything changes. Not that you were ever an ugly duckling or are even now a swan, but ~ you are a different person than you were seven, ten, twenty years ago. Everyone is. And people, as well as constantly changing, are also pretty much the same everywhere. Awesome people with flaws as well as jerks with a rare glimmer of a heart of gold. Even the perfect person for you will unwittingly break your heart ~ even a little.

    Military training has probably helped you to put the mission first, to keep moving, soldier! That includes the rest of your life, too. I hear you, I am an introvert and suspect have some social anxiety disorder. Trust me, I know what it’s like to interact with people, make confessions, etc. But keep your ultimate mission in mind: to have a family/relationship. Let’s just admit that’s what you really want.

    Confessing or even asking through a mutual friend, would be great! But if that doesn’t pan out, try to let people glimpse inside the fortress walls. They won’t get in, but let the most likely have a peek. Then, if they prove themselves worthy, lower the drawbridge for an hour or two.

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
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