Hi there

(yes the topic title is also a Wilco song, enjoy it if you’re in the mood !)

I’m a 31 years old french guy living in Canada (Quebec) since 2013.

I have been through a few difficult relationship experiences lately, and what once was like a difficult time became a sort of dark, endless period of anxiety, self hate and tiredness.

I had a long relationship with a girl when i was 18. It lasted for nearly 7 years (an enormous time when you’re young), and eventually ended in the most painful way. She realised she didn’t have feelings anymore and i discovered she was flirting online…an hard time to say the least.

It took me more than a year to just accept the fact that i may be able to feel love again, and a few other years later it finally happenned. I met someone, we quickly got intimous and i fell madly in love with her (and maybe with the idea of being in love again too.) Problem is she didn’t wanted anything to serious, and i scared her. Long story short we ended up not seeing each other again, to my great despair, then talking again, arguing on phone, becaming quite close again, then stating that we shouldn’t see each other again because we obviously had different views, etc. It lasted for months, and my hope that something would eventually work out was finally confronted to reality.

A few months later i met another girl, and we started to see each other regularly. I tried to “play it cool” and to take time. When things became more serious after a few weeks, she vanished. She said she saw that i wanted something serious and wasn’t ready for that at the moment for various reasons.

And finally, just a few weeks ago a girl that became a close friend of mine discovered that i had feelings for her. We used to see each other quite often over the past months and to share our stories, and it became quite clear that she was more than just a friend for me. A few friends we have in common also thought we could get along well, because we have many common points.
I never had the guts to tell her, probably because of my relationship history, but she confronted me about it and i couldn’t lie to her. She said it always was about friendship only for her.
She was surprised at first, ant then angry. Communication has became very complicated because it mainly occure online or by text message now, but i can tell that she feels betrayed in some ways, and that i lied to her all that time even if i said that my caring feelings have always been real.
I may have lost my hope of something special between us and a very important friendship at the same time. Needless to say that i feel totally lame and hopeless these days.

It all happened as if i was trying way to hard to love and be loved again, and it sure hurts.
Loneliness, which once was a dull but normal part of my life, has became almost unbearable.
I’ve been reading about buddhism and tryings to meditate for a few years (not these days i’m affraid), and i know how stupid the whole “i may be complete with her” feeling is. And how you have to love yourself and maybe your own loneliness if you want to love someone else. But it seems that i just can’t cope with it anymore, and i keep on wondering what is wrong with me. Why getting close to those i deeply love can make them move away. Rejection hurts. Being unable to build something beautiful with someone you deeply love hurt. Losing people hurts.

Sorry for the long message but things should be put in context i suppose.
Thanks for your eventual advices, i could really use anything to feel less desperate these days.