Dear emotionalyze:

Thank you for digging out your old account. Now I remember, absolutely. I am glad you are back here and hope you post here again and again for as long as you need to. I, for one, will reply to you every single time that I am online and seeing a post by you.

I will recap from my memory triggered by reading some of the last July thread. I will write my understanding that I now remember, and please tell me if I have it right or where I did not get it right and correct me.

In the home of your childhood, your brother had violent psychotic episodes that scared you and your parents. Your parents focused on your brother while neglecting you almost completely. They encouraged you to go outside the home so that you will not be present during your brother’s episodes.

When you met your ex boyfriend you were an unskilled child, in practice, not prepared and not familiar with anything really, not guided, not taught, just left alone to fend for yourself.

You blame yourself a whole lot, seeing yourself as guilty while seeing your parents as faultless. You live with them and are very emotionally dependent on them. You are waiting for them to give you what they never did. You are still a child, in practice, waiting.

Your anxiety developed as a result of you being severely (!) neglected by your parents, being alone in a home with a violent brother. There is no way a child can survive such violence and neglect without developing anxiety.

As a result of you being severely neglected and living in a very unsafe, non comforting home, you never learned to trust your emotions. You were never taught what your emotions are about, that they are valid and make sense.

Am I correct so far? Please correct me.

anita