Dear dogbat:

You are very welcome. In your quest to be assertive in your three year old circumstances, you are alone. And so, it will be a “one woman show” of courage and determination.

About realistic expectations: it seems clear to me, and let me know if you agree, that no matter what you say or do, for as long as you are not a Christian, your mother in law will not approve of you. No way, from your description of her and the family, no way she could have approved of you in the past or in the future, you not being a Christian, and the kind of Christian she thinks you need to be (the kind that she is). So, short of you sending similar videos back to her and to others, and expressing her kind of Christian praise, she will continue to disapprove of you.

If you agree, then trying in any way, shape or form to earn her approval is a lost cause (unless again, you do the above which will be at a huge cost to your well being). It is important for you to fully accept it. Any hopes to earn her disapproval will stand in your way of asserting yourself effectively and be mentally well.

Having no such hopes, may allow you the courage that you need because as you assert yourself with her, there is no risk of losing her future approval as such is not possible.

What you do have going for you in his situation is that your mother in law is Supposed (and I say, supposed) to be loving and kind according to the basic teachings of Christianity, as taught by the stories about Jesus being kind to the unsaved, such as prostitutes. So, she is… supposed to be kind to you. If she forgets that, I will remind her of it. (When she says bigoted things maybe it is time to remind her of the story about Jesus reaching out to prostitutes with kindness, you can look it up).

Regarding her religious references and sharing, you can absolutely demand that she does not make any such to you or to your child but whenever you leave your child with her without your supervision, you can’t check on what she tells him. And she will probably tell him things.

Another thing going for you is that you can reward her for respecting your assertions and let her suffer the consequences of not respecting your assertions by limiting her access to your child, for one.

Assert yourself gently but firmly with her, and with the others, do what you can do. Exit that family online chat group if you don’t want to see those videos and references, start a new, alternative chat group for you and those who agree to not post religious references.

Assert yourself calmly but firmly. Please do post again. I will be glad to read further about your future assertions and keep giving you my input for as long as you’d like it.

anita