I wanted to respond to previous posts I have wrote but after having a little issue digging them up.

So I have self diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia Disorder. Can sort of trace behaviours back to childhood with preoccupation with the mirror and anxiety.

The issue at the moment for me is that last year I was actually fine. After many years of being over-weight and having social phobia and not working- I finally began working and having a social interactions with people. In my other posts I described how I have had a phobia of men for some time. I have always felt uncomfortable. And I do have some traumas in my past relating to men. So for many years I have avoided young men – or men that are not immediate family.

But back to the body image issue. Since I started working- a guy my age – a fellow worker – with his own mental health issues- became friendly with me – and I took that as to thinking he likes me – because for once I felt accepted and he was generally nice to me. But now I realise that – well I think that he just is very friendly like that to everyone.

But last year for months on end I enjoyed being around him and wanting, craving his attention and would volounteer my time on the weekends to help out at work just for that reason- even though we would hardly talk – because he would be serving customers and i would be out the back doing stuff and usually never initiated contact.

So I did that for a long period of time. I got upset everytime he was not really concerned of my pressence and when I would leave alot of the time. I should mention he has schizophrenia.

But during that time I really went into self discovery of loosing alot of weight and daring myself to actually wear less clothing like singlet types tops that I had never worn in my life. I started to really like how I looked and felt really great for the first time in a very long time.

And everytime I would go to work I would make sure that the days before were of high self care so that I would feel emotionally free to persue any attraction from the guy at work.

But it turned out that he was interested in his past and some girl he says was the most angel face he had ever seen and even asked me to think about the most handsome man ever and how I would never be able to get over that. (This is a past of mixed reality and delusions of him being detained etc). And he would nearly always bring up this past around me.

The thing about me is that I have been in an abusive relationship 9 years ago where I was raped and emotionally abused about my body and everything in between. Also raped by a bf when I was 14. But I have got over all of that. But have a distorted view I think of men.

The thing is that this guy at work- not that this is anything about him- but he did have a fb page dedicated to women who had a certain look. Being so obsessed with all that. All these women he liked the look of with the similar faces – and being all in love romance stuff because of the way they looked. At the time he was also following me – I think because he had heard I liked him and it was an ego thing or just a friend. I have been invited over his place twice and been out to tea with him. He can get me with his kindness but I dont think he sees me as anything more. But that is okay.

The thing is that since I realised all those women he calls ‘hot’ on his page and his obsession with that- it made all my efforts in feeling good about my own body image go all down the drain. I always had insecurities with it all- but I was really starting to carve my way out of them. I never got anyone say anything nice about my changes in the way I looked – not even mum- except for quite a few saying I had lost so much weight.

It all kind of has put me back into my shell. I had times high in body dysmorphia with compulsions to bleach my hair and try to look like those women- that the guy liked. It was silly. And I have less hair now.

But my issue now is that from him I realised that I wasnt what I thought I was and also from others at work. When I thought I looked attractive I realise that it was only me who thought that. Not that is bad- but I wish that I could be like that again at least because now body dysmorphia has spiralled right out of control- I have severe depression and compulsions to check in the mirror all the time.

I cry and cry when I see my relfection and see my femininity is not there like I would like- and also lately my face has undergone physical changes since weight loss and started to sag and that has really left me so self conscious.

I get depressed because I realise that the guy at work – I sometimes feel so pressured to want to feel attractive to him and it hurts now because when I look in the mirror I get so insecure and cry and cry – I have been bedridden when I dont work and that is half the week in bed.

I just want to feel good about myself – and how I look. I am trying alot of self care and doing things to get my mind off stuff- I bake cookies for the unfortunate at work and I have started painting.

I just have lost myself in a sea of wanting to try and feel secure in my body image but I feel so insecure and upset. I just hate going into work and being around a guy I get emotions for and be mindful of them- but realising that I am nothing special in looks and stuff and it hurts.

How do I get self love and like my body image again ?