Hi everyone,

I am new to the forums but not new to Tiny Buddha! I love the website, it gives me inspiration every day. 🙂

I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest but don’t really know where to say it, so feel this might be the right place.

Recently I’ve been having a very long think about my life, where I’m at, how I feel. Some aspects of life I feel content with, such as I’ve moved into a new home with my partner who is loving and supportive of me and I with him. I feel I’m getting back into the swing of my creativity after a long period of being uninspired.

However there are a few aspects which I’m feeling very unhappy with and I’m feeling frustrated because I know it all stems from a deep place of fear, anxiety and self-preservation. I want to rid myself out the mental chains which are holding me back that I have put on myself from moving forward and embracing and loving myself, completely for who I am.

At the end of last year I had an unexpected health scare, where I had to have an ovary removed because a tumour was attached to it. Physically it took a lot out of me but am recovering well, just taking it in my stride. I do feel odd at times and I still can’t do vigorous activity… I feel like part of me is missing still and that my womanhood has been taken away from abit. Luckily I’m still able to have children (I’m in my 20s) but the scare of it really mentally hurt me. Along with feeling less femininity because of it, I’ve also become heightened to any sort of health problem now and notice the most minor thing which makes me panic. I feel like I’ve got stuff wrong with me all the time, which is no way to live and am working on that to let go.

I’ve been feeling less confident and have lost my self love too. I look at myself in th mirror and think sometimes I look quite nice but I’m always picking away at myself, criticising and poking at bits I feel are bad. I’ve put on weight and am unhappy with how much flabby bits there are, always self conscious. My own boyfriend has noticed and has said I need to stop this all the time. I’m afraid to be naked in front of him in case he’s disgusted at the sight… Particularly at my stomach (with new battle wound) and my chin. As I’m writing this I realise how silly it is, but I’m in need of help trying to get out of this mental rut that I’m in. It also doesn’t help that along with recovering I’ve been unemployed, looking for jobs continually and have been pipped at the post in positions, so money is sparse and I’m having to rely on my partner for financial help.

I know everything will be ok eventually, in my head I say it all the time. It’s just right now in this moment, I feel incredibly emotional, lost and scared. I know my chakras need to be open, I need to breathe out worry, get back on the mindfulness journey I was on. Just recently though I haven’t felt strong enough to change or to help myself even though I know my mental patterns.

Sorry for the long post… It’s felt good to write that though. 🙂 if there’s any books that anyone could recommend, blog links etc that would much appreciated. General advice, anything really… I’m currently reading you can heal your life by Louise Hay, which is great!

Thank you x