May 11, 2016 at 1:30 am #104222MoonflowerParticipant
I am new to the forums but not new to Tiny Buddha! I love the website, it gives me inspiration every day. 🙂
I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest but don’t really know where to say it, so feel this might be the right place.
Recently I’ve been having a very long think about my life, where I’m at, how I feel. Some aspects of life I feel content with, such as I’ve moved into a new home with my partner who is loving and supportive of me and I with him. I feel I’m getting back into the swing of my creativity after a long period of being uninspired.
However there are a few aspects which I’m feeling very unhappy with and I’m feeling frustrated because I know it all stems from a deep place of fear, anxiety and self-preservation. I want to rid myself out the mental chains which are holding me back that I have put on myself from moving forward and embracing and loving myself, completely for who I am.
At the end of last year I had an unexpected health scare, where I had to have an ovary removed because a tumour was attached to it. Physically it took a lot out of me but am recovering well, just taking it in my stride. I do feel odd at times and I still can’t do vigorous activity… I feel like part of me is missing still and that my womanhood has been taken away from abit. Luckily I’m still able to have children (I’m in my 20s) but the scare of it really mentally hurt me. Along with feeling less femininity because of it, I’ve also become heightened to any sort of health problem now and notice the most minor thing which makes me panic. I feel like I’ve got stuff wrong with me all the time, which is no way to live and am working on that to let go.
I’ve been feeling less confident and have lost my self love too. I look at myself in th mirror and think sometimes I look quite nice but I’m always picking away at myself, criticising and poking at bits I feel are bad. I’ve put on weight and am unhappy with how much flabby bits there are, always self conscious. My own boyfriend has noticed and has said I need to stop this all the time. I’m afraid to be naked in front of him in case he’s disgusted at the sight… Particularly at my stomach (with new battle wound) and my chin. As I’m writing this I realise how silly it is, but I’m in need of help trying to get out of this mental rut that I’m in. It also doesn’t help that along with recovering I’ve been unemployed, looking for jobs continually and have been pipped at the post in positions, so money is sparse and I’m having to rely on my partner for financial help.
I know everything will be ok eventually, in my head I say it all the time. It’s just right now in this moment, I feel incredibly emotional, lost and scared. I know my chakras need to be open, I need to breathe out worry, get back on the mindfulness journey I was on. Just recently though I haven’t felt strong enough to change or to help myself even though I know my mental patterns.
Sorry for the long post… It’s felt good to write that though. 🙂 if there’s any books that anyone could recommend, blog links etc that would much appreciated. General advice, anything really… I’m currently reading you can heal your life by Louise Hay, which is great!
Thank you xMay 11, 2016 at 6:11 am #104230dagneParticipant
in a way I can relate to your situation because a person very close to me is terminally ill and I have been taking care of her for a while and probably will have to do that again in the near future at least for a little bit and I have to see the struggle against the inevitable and even question my relationship to this person and that has taken a lot out of me. I have deviated from my career plans, also gained some weight as I channeled my emotions towards food and now I have realized what has been happening.
So I am accepting that this has happened and I cannot change that, but I can realize it, accept it (although a part of me kind of wants to deny it and play it cool like everything would be normal and ok because it is quite humiliating in a way to accept that some bad stuff has hit you and that you haven’t handled it that well and that you are quite vulnerable) and make a decision to change the situation I am in.
So I am picking the pieces of my career plan (learning languages and other subjects I need, meeting people), cleaning my already plant based diet (choosing more beans, greens, vegetables, fruits and whole grains), starting working out a bit everyday plus doing some yoga and meditating.
I don’t know whether you find it helpful, but I would recommend this:
Power of Now by E. Tolle (you could also try watching this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQJnf9iassU)
Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery by Chugyam Trungpa (I like this quote from this book “Success sows the seeds of future failure, and failure may bring a later success. It‘s always a dynamic process. Success and failure are saying the same thing.”)
Books by Pema Chodron
And these about whole high carbohydrates plant foods lifestyle:
The Starch Solution by dr. John Mcdougall
Eat to Live by dr. J. Fuhrmann
The China Study and others
Maybe you could try the Rich Roll podcast, eg. episode 152 https://www.richroll.com/podcast/josh-lajaunie-2/
I hope we both get back on track soon. Take care, XMay 11, 2016 at 6:37 am #104234
There is something scary (to say the least) about the very fact that you and I will die. The one typing the original post of this thread and the one replying right here, both will die and be no more. Out bodies, now breathing, living, will be silent one day, can be any day. Any one of us can get sick. While your awareness of sickness has been heightened by your ovary situation, sickness was always a possibility and not necessarily greater now than before.
All we can do is maximize our statistical chances to live healthier and longer by better nutrition, exercise, mindfulness (avoid accidents). If you relax into this reality that was always there, your anxiety will improve. Maybe meditate over this reality. Accept it.
What do you think?
anitaMay 11, 2016 at 7:38 am #104241dagneParticipant
I think you expressed the essence of acceptance beautifully, and it is essential, but it is nice to be able to focus your energy on something that you can do and from my experience mood in general follows actions.
DagneMay 11, 2016 at 7:46 am #104243
* dear dange: i appreciate you reading my reply only this thread belongs to the original poster. I believe it shouldn’t be place for discussion between the forum members who reply, but instead, a place for the original poster to communicate with the individuals replying to him/ her. Not a place for those who reply to communicate with each other. The latter can lead to a negative, discouraging environment. Therefore, if you would like, I would be more than glad to communicate with you if you start your own thread!
anitaMay 17, 2016 at 8:59 am #104772MoonflowerParticipant
Thank you both for replying. It’s helped and it’s very appreciated your suggestions for books too Dange. Anita, that’s a very humbling thought indeed and it’s something I’ve been contemplating recently, how I accept life, how I feel life moves quickly and that one day I will cease to exist in this human realm. It scares me but also amazes me at the same time. I feel I have too much to live for and my life, if anything is only just starting. I need to let go and know all will be well and through yoga, meditation and self study of books I’m reading I’m coming more to that understanding.
I’d say at the moment my confidence in my ability and how I feel as a woman, but one small step at a time to self improvement isn’t it? 😀May 17, 2016 at 9:21 am #104777
You are welcome.
A line from a favorite poem I like reads: “Every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.”
Some people think it is possible to eliminate fear from one’s experience, live fearlessly forever more. A fantasy, says I.
One step at a time, I agree. Post anytime.